NFL Preview: Chicago Bears

QB: A+ Have you ever heard of getting to sleep with a hooker, keeping the money and having her tip you? Well that's essentially what happened when Chicago abused Denver in the Jay Cutler trade. Exciting and demeaning, all at the same time. The Bears better hope Cutty stays healthy though. The IRS doesn't even know who backups Hanie & Basanez are.

RB: B+ Fantasy diamond Matt Forte returns backed up by Kevin Smith and the Other Adrian Peterson. FANTASY FOCUS! If you're in a PPR league, you could justify taking Forte before both Turner and the Real Adrien Peterson. Forte had 63 receptions last year, Turner had 6.

WR: C- Is it just me or does Devin Hester remind you of a glorified Leeland McElroy? Yeah, that's right. I went there. FUN FACT! The other three of the top four Bears receivers went to San Jose State, Vanderbilt and Oklahoma. And no, the Oklahoma guy isn't Bradley. He's the other guy that wasn't as good.

TE: B Desmond Clark and Greg Olson are curiously decent. One blocks one catches. Olson seems a little brittle though. Maybe he should enlist in Corporal Winslow's reserve unit.

OL: C This unit is average across the board. Garza is probably a little above average. The real linchpin is Orlando Pace. If he plays all 16 then they're in good shape but he's so injury prone that he could literally crumble into a puddle of Mineral Ice and tears at any moment.

DL: B+ Really good line. They can bring pressure from both ends, Brown and Ogunleye as well as at one DL, Tommie Harris. LITTLE KNOWN FACT! League bylaws state that every Bears team has to have one mean looking white guy of Eastern European ancestry on the DL or the team forfeits its bye week. This year that man is Dusty Dvoracek. Good on ya Comrade.

LB: C+ I'm not impressed. Urlacher has always been overrated and he's starting to get old. he makes enough big plays to keep being respected by the clowns in the Media but not this cat, no sir. Lance Briggs is better and Pisa Tinoisamoa has a longer name, so there!

--- ASIDE! Holy Crap! Jorge Posada just hit one back into Old Yankee Stadium off Billy Traber. That one woke of the ghosts of legends who aren't even dead yet. ---

DB: C Hmmmmmm. Do I feel safe with IR Charles Tillman and Torch Vasher manning the corners? No I do not. Do I feel safe with Kenny Payne or Steltz(?) manning the safties? No, I do not.

P/K: B+ Robbie Gould sounds like a low level mobster or a high level futures trader. The grade goes up!

COACHING: B I would criticize Lovie for not having an inventive playbook but he coaches in a nasty cold city and has always had crappy QB's. This year will be a measuring stick. In a related note, the success of Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy has just about removed the stigma that the Art Shell Era saddled all black coaches with. Tell the Twin Reverends Jesse and Al to call off the vigil.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 12-4, First in the North. This assumes Jay Cutler makes chicken salad out of his WR's and Forte duplicates last year.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 7-9, Third in the North. This team is boring. They probably can't tank completely but they may not be great either if Cutty doesn't play great. If he gets hurt though, all bets are off.

THINGS THAT MUST HAPPEN Sebastian Janikowski must play at least three years in Chicago. A fat, bald, Polish guy with addiction issues? It's a must.