The Karen of Sports

We've all seen the videos of Karens' on the internet. The details vary from person to person but the basic structure is usually someone who enjoys a fairly spoiled life absolutely melting down because someone else dared to try and exist in the same world as them without showing the proper amount of respect or deference. Some of the videos are racist, sometimes sexist, frequently classist and always a display of unhinged narcissistic lunacy.

And while most of the videos online are of middle aged white women melting down like Nancy Pelosi if she doesn't have her breakfast gin, sadly we all know from life experience that the Karen behavior transcends race or nationality.

It occurred to me while watching the World Cup that soccer is essentially the Karen of sports and that's why its so insufferable.

Sure soccer just as a sport is boring and pointless but its honestly no worse than baseball most of the time, cricket or hockey before the rule change. So why does soccer strike me as kind of unseemly?

It's because the players are all exactly like your neighborhood Karen. Soccer players are some of the most skilled, in shape athletes in the world yet when anyone else dares to try and compete with them they fall down, start screaming and throwing a temper tantrum until the referee comes over and shows them the proper amount of attention. The whole game has to stop for as long as it takes to calm these man-boys down. 

And much like society with the over-privileged women shrieking in the park, soccer enables and encourages this behavior. The tantrums, the screaming, the pouting; its all fake. They know its fake, the other team knows its fake, the referees know its fake, the announcers know its fake but what happens? Do these insufferable crybabies get reprimanded? Nope! The other team gets a foul, the baby gets their bottle and the game goes on, at least until another impotent narcissist gets offended, then we get to stop to watch another one-boy play about imaginary suffering. Watch any Ronaldo game where he doesn't get his way all the time for an example.

And the refs are just as bad in their own way. They clearly get intimidated by the more famous players and teams, so they take it out on the less imposing opposition. Imaginary fouls, quick or slow cards depending on who it is and of course, their maniacal manipulation of the clock. You would think even in the bizarre world of soccer and extra time; which is only necessary because the sport caters to mentally weak crybabies; that when the time ended, the game ended. But no. Even that arbitrary end of the game can be further extended or shortened, by the discretion of the referee. Based on what criteria? Basically if the referee feels like you're trying hard enough to score you can get extra time. But only if he deems you worthy. Its absurd. I saw numerous games in the knockout stage where some poor team is trying to stave off nine minutes of stoppage time for 20 minutes because the ref apparently wasn't impressed with their effort in clearing the zone.

Its a joke. Society has rightfully decided that the best course of action in dealing with these unhinged, middle aged infants is to publicly shame them. We should do the same with soccer. Try and reinstall a little dignity back into society. If Karens and Renaldos are going to be blessed with skills and opportunities the rest of the people could only dream about, they could at least act like they earned and deserve them.

Jabulani No More

The 2010 World Cup finally came to an end with a penalty filled cluster f that sent Spain into a simultaneous national orgasm. A million people roaming the streets drunk should perk that economy right up. Anyway, hard to say what the lasting impact of it'll be but it seems to have pulled in good numbers here in the US so we might as well see what what right and wrong.

The Good:
It turns out that soccer, when played by the worlds best, can actually be entertaining. It certainly was nice to go to work at and have some actual sports to watch. The timing was awesome too. Let's face it, one of the few things on earth that can rival soccer in potential lameness is summer baseball. You think a 0-0 draw between Paraguay and Lebanon is boring, then check out any random game involving the Royals or Indians between May and August. There's no football, the basketball playoffs were pretty bad, hockey is well into the playoffs and there aren't any college sports. The World Cup fits in nicely to the void, giving people more reason to grill, get loaded and gamble. Good times. The fever pitch nationalism, mixed with a healthy, healthy dose of racism is also nice. Seeing the US come back to beat Algeria and tie the Brits and Slovaks was double as satisfying because you know those countries were devastated. There's nothing better than beating somebody at something they are obsessed with and you couldn't care less about.

The Bad:
Those stupid horns. I understand it's part of the culture in Africa. Great, so is raping, stoning and racism, can we implement those too? I try and buy decent electronic equipment so that I don't have to listen to the exact sound those horns make. Maybe it's great in person but it's awful on TV, where 99 percent of the people are enjoying it. I suppose it's better that the sound was so awful, otherwise we might have focused on the truly awful officiating. It was beyond bad, it was almost intentionally bad. No rhyme, reason or explanation. Much like the stupid ball. Leading up to the event I heard about how the problems with the ball were over-exaggerated by the players, which they do all the time, apparently. Well, after watching all the games, either that ball is an atrocity of physics or the best players in the world all suck. That thing was flying all over the place besides towards the net. If it weren't for the Germans and Argentinians, the whole event would have been awful. Spain won the whole thing by scoring 8 goals. 8! That's obscene. Pick a ball, then play with it forever for crying out loud. Last problem with the World Cup is soccer apologists who like to claim that all of these problems don't exist or are the simply misunderstood charms of the beautiful game. Right. So you think bad officiating, horrible broadcast noise and an uncontrollable ball add charm to the game? Maybe your just an idiot. Thinking there should be some accountability or replay for officials doesn't make me ignorant it makes me a connoisseur of common sense. Thinking a soccer ball shouldn't be introduced for the first time at the beginning of a tourney is a bad idea especially if it reacts like flubber when you kick it. Finally, not liking the stupid vuvuzelas doesn't make me a racist. Quite frankly Soccer Guy, your determination to defend such an acoustic atrocity says more about you than my dislike for it says about me.

The Result:
Overall it was an enjoyable time and I look forward to Brazil 2014. The one hour time difference should be nice and I hope the US continues to improve. Does this tourney make me more interested in soccer in general? Nope. I couldn't care less about the MLS or EPL and I doubt anyone else does either who didn't already. People may be turned off of the EPL given the dismal performance of its "stars". The fundamental problems with soccer still remain, the first being that bad soccer is a torturous thing to watch. Worse than the worst baseball game. Too often soccer games seem to encourage ties, stalling, faking injuries and a general lack of competition. Just watch how Ghana reacts after they go up 2-1 over the US. The display was an absolute embarrassment for everyone involved with all the stretchers, flopping and general p***yishness of the players. Men who care about competing don't act that way. Ever. Until the sport can clean up that nonsense, it can't be taken seriously. My interest in the game will remain solely linked to what the national team is doing. I'll tune in when they play a no doubt super pissed Brazil team in August and might even try and catch some CONCACAF stuff but I think that'll be about enough for me. And that's fine. I know the world obsesses over it but I already spend too much time with superior sports like football, hockey, lacrosse and curling. Soccer can be that pleasant visit every so often that fill the gaps between things I really care about and that's enough of a purpose for me.

Copa del Mundo 2010

The draw for the 2010 World Cup was today and I am now officially into it.

Don't get me wrong, soccer is still a communist sport only fit for the third world and over sensitive, granola munching little league coaches.

However, the World Cup is different because it has one element that your basic Galaxy or Real Madrid game doesn't, rampant nationalistic fervor. This one element should encourage every American to get involved in June. The combination of fanatically proud European fans plus a healthy dash of anti-American sentiment globally makes the outcomes of these games potentially devastating for the local population. As Americans, we should do all we can to back our boys as loud as possible, again, not because we like soccer but because we should all relish the opportunity to see an American go into hostile territory and beat the Euros at their own beloved game.

And what an opportunity we have right off the bat.

The Brits.

The Brits are by far a more accomplished futbol squad but if I know my history we have at least one World Cup win over the Queen's Finest and are 2-0 in wars against them. For reasons that even I can't fully comprehend, the idea of handing out star spangled beatdown to the Beckhams, that jackass Rooney and all those condescending Union Jackers that constantly attribute American disapproval of soccer to a lack of intelligence or refinement would be a sweet thing indeed. It would be even sweeter this time around as England has a better squad than they have in years.

So I encourage all Americans to get involved this summer. You have the rare opportunity to have a legitimate excuse to wake up at 4 in the morning on a Tuesday to get drunk, watch sports and have barbecue for breakfast. It's also the chance to do some legitimate, global trash talking. Aside from North Korea, you should be able to talk sh*t to any of the competing teams fans via the Internet. For the chance to have all this you have to almost nothing to lose, most Americans don't care about soccer anyway, so the losses will mean nothing but the victories will be savory.

In a related note, should the Americans get bounced early, you should feel morally obligated to root against the French and the Mexicans. The Mexicans are self explanatory, they are our biggest rival and their fans behave monstrously when we come to town. Going against them should be second nature. The French though earned scorn this year. They are a crappy team that pulled a bush league move on over achieving Irish team that got them in and kept the Irish out. FIFA apparently treats the French like NCAA officials treat Duke, except it's even more blatant.

Go Yanks!

A Big Win, So I'm Told

As I turned on my TV this afternoon, with dreams of a SportsCenter rerun in mind, imagine my surprise when there appeared to be a sports like live event on my screen.
Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be something called the Confederation Cup. Soccer.
Surprise and disappointment.
A good 90% of the time I couldn't care less about soccer. It seems to me to be a sport with rules designed to slow it down and turn it into an exhibition of passing skills and throw ins. Combine that with more fake violence and bad acting than a typical telenovela and that equals some less than compelling viewing. Why can't countries with cool sports like Australian football, rugby or Gaelic football try and cram those sports down our throats the way the world tries to foist soccer upon us?
Ah but this is the 10% of the time it's appropriate for an American to care about soccer.
When it's time to shame another country, especially in Europe.
Soccer and socialist healthcare are the two things that Europeans consistently enjoy berating us about. Now, the healthcare thing is a joke and they only defend it to get under our skin but the soccer, oh boy is that different.
They live and die by the sport and if the lose to Americans it's a national scandal.
So go ahead and enjoy whatever this Cup is and enjoy the World Cup next year. It's easy, if we lose, we were supposed to and if we win any matches, listen for the anguished outrage.
It's the one thing that can make soccer interesting.