Season in Review

After the massive flame out performed by the 2011 Oakland Raiders, its time once again to examine the season to figure out what went wrong.

WINS! - The most surprising part of this is beating Houston when they still had Schaub. Truth be told though they were fueled by the death of Al Davis and were going to lose until Schaub threw an awful pick in the end zone to end the game.

EXCUSABLE LOSES: New England, Green Bay, Kansas City. Kansas City gets included because it was the first game of the Kyle Boller era, the start of the Carson Palmer on 4 days practice era and the McFadden gets hurt 3 plays into the game and disappears for the season. Perfect combination for an apocalypse.

INEXCUSABLE LOSES:

Buffalo 38-35. The emergence of Denarious Moore and a huge day for Jason Campbell couldn't prevent the awful Bresnahan defense from letting the Bills rally for the late win with a pathetic prevent defense effort. Seeing how bad the Bills turned out this one looks even worse.

Denver 38-24. Raiders were leading 24-14 before Willis McGahee and Tebow ran for 899 yds. in the second half to score 24 unanswered points.

Miami 34-14. For the second year in a row the Dolphins shred a Raiders defense that appeared not care one bit.

Detroit 28-27. After doing a good job on Calvin Johnson most of the day, Bresnahan decides to run a prevent defense that allowed Rolando McClain and free agent street signee Matt Giordano to cover Johnson on a sickenly easy and predictable game winning drive.

San Diego 38-26. With a chance to win the division the defense and special teams get shredded by the Chargers who were coming off a 28 point slaughtering by the Lions, wasting a great day by the offense.

The trend is clear. In 4 of these losses the team scored 24 or more points and had the lead. Say what you will about the Palmer interception-palooza but he didn't let the Broncos score 38 points. The same Broncos that lost 7-3 to the Chiefs on Sunday. This should come as no surprise to anyone. Bresnahan was terrible the first time he was in Oakland and he's terrible now.

ANY HOPE? There is some hope going forward in 2012, notably the injuries. When the Raiders fell apart is was coincidentally the same time Darren McFadden. Jacoby Ford, Denarious Moore and Taiwan Jones went out injured. Combine that with a new quarterback trying to learn on the fly and the offense was surprisingly competent. Another promising aspect is that the team is very young and has room to improve without adding personnel. At least on offense.

SPEAKING OF - At first the trade for Carson Palmer seemed ludicrous. But in a league that has Tavaris Jackson, John Skelton, Kevin Kolb, Tim Tebow, Kyle Orton, Matt Moore, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Colt McCoy, Tyler Palko, Charlie Batch, Mark Sanchez, Chad Henne throwing the ball, Carson Palmer seems damn near above average. Not worth a 1 and a 2 but way better than anyone on that list or Kyle Boller.

OFFSEASON GAME PLAN:

1. Fire Bresnahan, get a real defensive coordinator. Poor play on D was the single most glaring aspect of the team. Mostly in the secondary, especially safety.

2. Re-sign Michael Bush. McFadden is too fragile to be counted on for a full season.

3. With no draft picks it might be worth while to see what McFadden and Richard Seymour can get on the trade market.

4. No Samson Satele. Horrible run blocker. Team did much better with Wiz at center and someone else at guard.

5. Reward the fans. The fans sold out all 8 home games this year and were rewarded with 3 division losses and a heartbreaker to the Lions. Not a good way to sell those tickets.

And On The Seventh Day . . . . . . .

Thank God the Raiders announced today that they decided to give a former Browns castoff 29 million in guaranteed money.

Until Kamerion Wimbley inked his deal I thought somebody forgot to tell Al the lockout was over.

As far as I can tell that's the only significant move the Silver and Black have made so far. I realize that the team had a non-losing season for the first time in a decade but it seems to me that an 8-8 team that lost its best player (Nnamdi Asomough) and is working on losing its only good vertical threat (Zach Miller) can't afford to stand still.

When a team climbs the crap ladder all the way up to mediocre they can either take the next step up to competitive or fall back down just as easy. The way things stand now they are going into the season with DHB, Jacoby Ford, the Ghost of Chaz Scheilens and Johnnie Lee Higgins in the passing game and Stanford Routt, Mike Mitchell, Chris Johnson and Tyvon Branch in the defensive backfield.

To put it simply, they have an offense built for ground-and-pound and a defense that turns every opposing offense into the run-and-shoot. There was no way they could get Nnamdi back but they needed to strike quick to fill the spot. Nate Clements, one of the Cromarties, Carlos Rodgers could have all helped. Now the best DB on the market is maybe Asante Samuel who unfortunately is zone coverage artist and would be useless in Al's beloved press coverage.

The offense is even worse. The best WR option out there is Braylon Edwards for god's sake. We've seen DHB drop enough passes that hit him right in the face. Those two on the field together could be dangerous.

I hope some good players get cut in cap situations that Al can sneak in and snatch up. Otherwise, the teams been stuck in time for a whole year while everyone else got better.

The Examined Life

As a man moves into his 30's, he starts to reflect on aging and what it means. I'm no different and as I did some deep reflecting on my life and myself as a person, I came to the realization that the Raiders haven't had a franchise quarterback since I was born.

Surely this had to be a mistake, I said to myself, so I looked it up.

1980 - Jim Plunkett
1981 - Marc Wilson
1982 - Jim Plunkett
1983 - Jim Plunkett
1984 - Marc Wilson
1985 - Marc Wilson
1986 - Jim Plunkett
1987 - Marc Wilson
1988 - Jay Schroeder
1989 - Vince Evans, Steve Beuerlein, Jay Schroeder (none played enough to qualify for the passing title)
1990-1992 - Jay Schroeder
1993-1996 - Jeff Hostetler
1997 - Jeff George
1998 - Donald Hollas
1999-2003 - Rich Gannon
2004-2005 - Kerry Collins
2006 - Andrew Walter
2007 - Daunte Culpepper
2008 - JaMarcus Russell
2009 - JaMarcus Russell
2010 - Jason Campbell

Dear god that is awful. How on earth did they get to the AFC title game in 1991 riding the cannon of Jay Schroeder and the mind of Art Shell? Inconceivable. I would argue that there isn't one franchise guy on the list. Plunkett is good but there's a reason he was dumped by the Pats. If those Raider teams weren't loaded, he would've been terrible there too.

The Rich Gannon era is the only possible time the Raiders might have had a franchise QB. The stats back it up and the went to the Super Bowl once. But really, if a guy doesn't play until he's 36 and is successful mostly because Jon Gruden was a genius, can you really call him a franchise QB? I think as good as Gannon was, that was because we had a franchise coach, not a stud QB.

As sad as this list is, knowing that you can't win in the NFL without a QB, I choose to look at the Silver lining. No longer will I ask myself why we've sucked for the better part of two decades, I'll just look at this list and marvel that we even managed to win 4 games a year. With this level of ineptitude at the most important position, the team should have been disbanded or moved to Cleveland long ago. Seriously, Don Hollas? Jeff George? I didn't even have the heart to put in Todd Marinovich. Even the putrid Bengals got Boomer Esiason and Carson Palmer pre-knee explosion. As legendary a list of grade A suck this list is, the fact that they managed a few playoff appearances and a title game seems like an undeserved bounty.

Assuming there's football this year, it'll be refreshing to watch Jason Campbell take the field to hold the ball to long and know that this performance is historically near the top of the barrel. That and a 12 pack should take the edge right off.

History Illuminated

I certainly hope that Colts coach Jim Caldwell is a student of history.

Not ancient history either, just recent history. As in the Oakland Raiders of the early 2000's. If he looks closely, he'll see a close image of his own team.

Not a good thing.

Those Raiders had been built into a title contender by John Gruden, mostly because Rich Gannon was playing at MVP level. Just like Tony Dungy built up a championship team with Peyton Manning.

The year following Gruden's departure, first year head coach Bill Callahan leads the Raiders to the Super Bowl and loses. Just like first year coach Caldwell led the Colts to a Super Bowl and lost in his first year.

In Callahan's second year, NFL MVP Gannon breaks his neck and ends his career. The aging team plummets to the bottom of the league and would remain there for a decade. Almost like the Colts. This years Colts team was really old and awful and only won the games it did because of Manning. Had Manning gotten hurt like Gannon did, there is no doubt that the Colts were a 2-14 team.

Most troubling for Caldwell is that after the Raiders plunged into craptitude, Al Davis realized that Callahan wasn't a good head coach and that he only got to the SB because Gruden left so much behind. Davis promptly fired him. I don't know what the Colts owner sees, or doesn't see, in Caldwell but Manning is nearing the end of his time as the dominant NFL QB, even if he didn't get hurt. Given the Colts rapidly closing window of contention, if Irsay gets it in his head that Caldwell is just riding on Dungy's fumes, then his tenure could follow the same two year arc that Callahan's did.

Short Lived Euphoria

Hurricane Al sure knows how to dampen a good time.

Mere days after the Raiders completed a demolition of the AFC West and completed their first non-losing season since 2002, Kim Jong Davis decides to can the only coach who has found a way to success since Jon Gruden roamed the sidelines.

Why would Al do such a thing? Tough to say. There is some rumour out there that Al has it in his head that he can somehow lure prettiest-girl-at-the-party Jim Harbaugh to Oakland. This seems to be delusional since Miami is poised to offer the moon for Jim while Big Al usually offers about $27/hr. plus partial benefits to his coaches. OC Hue Jackson seems like the logical choice to replace Cable but he's not under contract, is interviewing with the 49ers and isn't a sure thing anyway. God only knows what Al saw in an untested OC that made him dump Cable.

What exactly is plan C if both Harbaugh and Jackson head for greener pastures? Can't bring Cable back, that's for sure. Steve Sarkisian? Josh McDaniels? Perry Fewell? That's a frightening proposition. If that nightmare actually becomes reality, I say bring on the lockout.

Uh, Anytime Guys

It's been positively giddy in Raiderland these days. Jason Campbell actually looks like a professional quarterback, the defense has been feisty with Rolando McClain and Kamerion Wimbly added to the mix. Hell, we've even heard that DHB is finally blooming into something resembling a pro WR.

The only problem is, when it comes to DHB, we haven't seen it. Quite frankly, aside from seeing him drop a pass in the first preseason game, I haven't seen him at all. This is concerning. I've read on some websites that he's suffering from "fatigue" and that's why he hasn't been playing. If this were the 80's I'd be convinced he was doing massive amounts of coke. Since it's not, I can only assume that he still sucks or is hurt. Either way, I'm calling shenanigans on this one.

Come to think of it, you could say the same thing for Darren McFadden and Chaz Scheilens as well. D-Mac was supposed to finally be ready to stop being a injury prone fumble machine and get sick with Bush in the backfield. Chaz was supposed to be back from that foot injury and ready to be the No. 1 guy. As near as I can tell, these guys have the same amount of snaps I do.

I think they could live without D-Mac. Bush and Cartwright should be good enough and only having one back might actually make Cable give the bulk to Bush. I think Chaz is tougher to replace though. Lou Murphy is fine but Johnny Lee Higgens, Kevin Miller, Jacoby Ford, et al. are scary indeed.

Hell, DHB might start if he ever gets his rest.

Run A 4.2, Win the 8th Pick!

The 2010 NFL Draft is only two days away and for real football fans that's like telling a crack head his next fix is only two days away.

Unless you're a Raiders fan, then you get to skip the wonderful rush of your chosen drug, instead you just get to be sick, get the DT's and go straight into rehab. Darrius Heyward-Bey is one man dose of NFL Anabuse. Whatever cabal of South American miscreants that runs American soccer should just run a loop of game film of DHB and Ted Ginn Jr. getting hit in the face by perfect passes to attract cross over fans. Sure, soccer sucks and is boring enough to fill the final chamber in Dr. Jack's Death Machine but at least it isn't painful and shaming.

So what can we expect from Al's War Room? Who knows. After Okung all the tackles have questionable attitudes or work ethic. Bruce Campbell is a workout star who wasn't even an honorable mention all ACC nominee so he could fit right in. Jean Paul Pierre Pierce de Bastiste Alamain from South Florida is also a physical freak who is only hampered by his complete inability to play football, so keep an eye on him as well.

Who would I choose? Here we go:

Trent Williams T - The only other OL worth the 8 pick after Okung.

Jimmy Clausen QB - I hate Notre Dame in a way that only an Irish Catholic can yet the thought of watching that fat, lazy piece of crap Jam Jam take another snap is unbearable. Hand me my rosaries so I can pray Todd McShay straight to hell.

C.J. Spiller RB - Guess what? The only reason we forget how bad McFadden has been is because DHB and Baby Huey Russell have been so bad. Michael Bush plus an actual playmaker might actually be exciting, no?

Dez Bryant WR - DHB makes James Jett look like Steve Largent covered in stickum. Lou Murphy and Chaz Schielens are fine but don't exactly awe anybody with the afterburners. Kyle Boller needs somebody to go deep to right? Right? Anybody? (head hit keyboard)

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this draft as much as a hot twenty year old looks forward to drinks with Ben Rothlisberger. I only hope that when it's over Al and the boys can at least call me a cab.

For This, I Blame Cusak

One thing is now abundantly clear. Al Davis has seen Hot Tub Time Machine and thought it was some kind of campy documentary. Why else would he be trying to trade for a quarterback who turns 33 soon and will want approximately one billion dollars to sign an extension with a team that it conservatively, a decade away from contending?

A billion dollars and a second round pick!

A billion dollars, a second round pick and the best corner in the game not named Revis!

!!

So, either Al thinks he can used said recreational time machine or he thinks he can get 9 more years of Favreian play out of McNabb and hope the team can contend in that span. I'm not sure which idea is more ridiculous.

This rumor, if it comes true, does have a silver lining.

A big fat silver lining called JaMarcus Russell. if McNabb is in that means the Jam experiment is mercifully over. I love how those reports of a trim 270 (!) Russell quickly turned into a lazy 290. I guess I can be happy to watch McNabb ride out the golden years for a perennial 7-9 (hopefully) team so long as big no. 2 is gone for good.

It'd be better just to get rid of them both and keep the draft picks and money though.

ALCOA Presents!

You Make The Call!

In box number one you have a substance of moderate value and limited application! In box number two you have 297 pounds of pure, lazy crap! Oakland Raiders, You Make The CALL!

This is essentially what it has come down to in Raiderland. The choice Lord Al seems to be weighing between keeping either coach Tom Cable or rumored NFL quarterback JaMarcus Russell. This is like Sophie's choice except that one of the kids is adopted, lazy and disliked by the vast majority of the people with any rooting interest.

Now I'm not here to serve out the Tom Cable kool-aid, he's average at best. However, for all of his limitations, the players do seem to play hard for him, even when the season was essentially over. Roll some tape of the Joe Bugel, Mike White, Bill Callahan, Art Shell II, Norv Turner, Lane Kiffen eras and see if you can say the same.

Now to JaMarcus. He is just plain awful. Ryan Leaf was a better player, just had a worse personality. Russell is arguably worse now than when he came in the league. Still fat, no pocket awareness, no touch, no timing, no leadership. When asked how he felt about Bruce Gradkowski getting a chance to start, I think his exact quote was "Pretty great!" I doubt Dan Marino would let Scott Mitchell take over so easily.

Gradkowski really was the nail in the JaMarcus coffin. Gradkowski has all the skills of a career backup yet the team was transformed when he played. the offense looked competent and confident. Even Charlie Frye rolled up big passing yards when he got his chance. When both went down with injuries, the team deflated visibly, turnovers ensued and patheticness resumed.

There can be no choice in the matter. Cut Jam-Jam. He will never be any good. Draft an OL with the eighth pick (Claussen and Bradford are scary thoughts), draft a Tony Pike in the second or third round and roll into next year with J.P. Losman and Gradkowski fighting it out for the job. If the team sucks again, fire Cable and try to land Jake Locker in the draft. Doesn't really matter what the plan is so long as JaM isn't a part of it.

Gas-Can Jam Plays the Hits

There has never been a spark or a flame that was to faint, to weak or to insignificant for JaMarcus Russell to ignore.

After 11 solid weeks of head pounding, awe inducing and spirit destroying "performances" by our man Jam, which burned to the ground any remaining good will he had with the Raider faithful, Coach Tom the Merciful (with the blessing of Lord Al) finally pulled the plug on everybody's favorite arsonist and brought Bruce Gradkowski, of all people, into the chaos.

For three solid weeks, the chaos became a simple storm. Adversity seemed able to be overcome and the football once again resembled something professional. Down went the Bengals, down went the Steelers. Even the loss to the Cowboys, while lopsided, didn't seem like quite the Theater of the Damned that the losses under JaMarcus had been. A loss was now simply a loss instead of a public shaming.

Week 4 of the Era of Bruce started with promise as well. The Raiders managed to take a brief lead, 10-7, before falling behind. It was a rare occurrence where Oakland was actually playing much better than the score would indicate, giving hope to all Raider faithful that fortune would soon be with them yet again. Then the unspeakable happened. Bruce hurt not just one but two knees and was done for the game and maybe the season.

And there was the first spark of doubt and unease. It actually wasn't just a spark. Everybody in that stadium, watching on TV around the world knew exactly what was coming. We all new our man JaMarcus was back from exile, gas can in one hand, strike anywhere matches in the other, just waiting to lay waste to all the good that had been done in the past three weeks.

He never fails to deliver.

In what certainly was the final nail in his coffin in Oakland, Russell showed that he had learned nothing since being sent to the bench, throwing idiotic interceptions, holding the ball too long, fumbling near his own end-zone and basically showing none of the intangibles necessary to be a professional quarterback. The saddest part of the whole experience was how the entire team self destructed just by his presence. When Gradkowski is in the game, the team plays like it has a chance of winning. With Russell in there, they don't. Now we know for certain that those feelings are completely correct.

Hopefully next season will be an uncapped year. If so, Jam, Javon Walker and an number of other bad contracts should just be jettisoned from the team. After a record six straight seasons with 11+ losses, what's to lose?

I'm So Excited - Haiku Style

Napa cops say okay
Hit a sissy in the face
Tom Cable is free

full story

3 For The Road

How Many Times!
How many times can I possibly say the same things? Overmanaging loses baseball games! You Joe Girardi, I'm looking straight at you. After Aceves's failure of a postseason so far, what exactly inspired you to pull a smoking Robertson to pitch to Jeff Mathis? There can be no excuse. You pulled one no name pitcher, who was doing well, to put in another no name pitcher, who has sucked for the entire postseason. TO PITCH TO THE BACKUP CATCHER!! Why was Robertson gassed? After eleven pitches? Too tired to pitch to Jeff Mathis? Gimmie a break. Just so we can quantify the degree of the over management lets examine the numbers.
Pettitte - 19 outs on 95 pitches.
Joba - 1 out, 10 pitches
Marte - 1 out, one pitch
Coke - 1 out, 3 pitches
Hughes - 5 outs, 19 pitches
Riviera - 3 outs, 17 pitches
Robertson - 2 outs, 11 PITCHES, NO HITS, NO WALKS!!!!
Aceves - 0 outs, 7 pitches, 1 game lost.

If you want to bring in Rivera for Hughes fine, if you swapping out hot crap for cold, just leave it alone for god's sake.

Thank God For the Brits
This is an excellent speech by Christopher Lord Monckton, the 3rd Viscount of Monckton of Brenchley on global warming and the Copenhagen agreement. A little long but worth it if you've been looking for somebody to articulate what everybody knows, that global warming is a myth. (no, I do not know what that title means exactly.)



full story on the speech plus the slide show he refers to.

You Say Goodbye and I Say Get Lost
Yeah, I know Denver beat San Diego and has moved to 6-0. My response? So what. If you think I'm gonna pull a mea culpa and admit that the Broncos are any good then you've got another thing coming. The Raiders almost beat San Diego so how much does this win mean exactly? All your other wins are tainted. You can 16-0 my friends but if you keep padding the stats in Cleveland, Oakland and KC, you still suck.

Roundup!

Stampede
The University of Colorado finally beat a ranked team Saturday night, staving off a Kansas rally 34-30. It was going to be interesting to see how the team would respond to the coach benching his own son, then talking trash about him. Turns out poppa knows best as Tyler Hansen looked pretty good running the show. Win or no win, I think Coach Hawkins replacing his sons nameplate with one that say "Anchor" is completely uncalled for.

Destiny - Not Just A Name For Strippers
You know the Yankees are living a charmed life when they can actually beat the Angels. When the Angels seem to be actively trying to lose though, you know the gods have decided to intervene and end the Yankees nearly decade long title drought. My only real fear is that all this good luck will somehow end in the Yankees being beaten by the quadruple-A Dodgers in the world series. I remember all too well getting beat by the Marlins a few years ago and the shame of getting defeated by Los Angeles's original carpetbaggers would be too much to bear. Although Tommy Lasorda may just explode in a hail of delightful F-bombs during the postgame celebration which might be worth it.

By Me A Drink First
If the NFL were an HBO show then the Patriots are just about done tattooing a swastika on the ass of the Tennessee Titans. Aside from Randy Moss single handedly saving my fantasy day, this game does provoke many a question. How bad is Vince Young? He just took his first snap trailing 59-0 at the start of the fourth quarter. He must a complete wack job to not be starting for the atrocity of a team. Wow, real time update, VY just throws a pick. Nice. Now we know. This game might also provide the earliest example of an FU score in recorded history. Tom Brady throwing his fifth TD of the second quarter had FU written all over it. Gisele must have tied Tom's access to her body to his performance on the field because he played like a man possessed today. You would hardly know there was three feet of snow on the ground.

And On The Seventh Day Our Lord God Said - "No Dogfighting!"
If there was ever any doubt about how God felt about Mike Vick, now we know. Oakland 13 Philadelphia 9. This sort of righteous punishment seems a bit harsh to me. After all, not everybody on the team was dogfighting. The indignity of losing to Oakland seems like a punishment best saved for pedophiles and members of the Green Party. Having said that, as a long suffering member of Raider nation, I will now celebrate the unlikely victories of the Buffs, Stimulus Package (fantasy team), Yanks and Raiders, in the nude, up and down the streets of Colorado Springs. See you on the road and don't judge, it's winter.

The Week That Was and Will Be

Balloon Boy
Having endured the turmoil of experiencing a 50 mile, homemade space ship flight that was sold as a life or death matter for the alleged six year old pilot, we now know that it was probably a hoax or maybe just really bad parenting. I've go news for you nutjobs, Being on Wife Swap - strike 1, family storm chasing - strike 2, fake emotional roller coaster - strike 3. This now qualifies for child abuse. That entire family deserves to be tied up, drug out back and beaten with a large sack of oranges, let that be your last TV appearance, jackasses.

Boozy and Floozy
Just drink this artistic jewel in.



The best part of this picture, aside from the haggard looking, clearly broken and depraved Snow White, is what it's for. Any guesses?
...
Yep, it's an add to sell beer. In Australia of course. Apparently it was an attempt to sell some raspberry ale as "anything but sweet." Works for me but do you really need to advertise booze in Australia? That's like advertising light bulbs.

The ad campaign has been suspended because "there may be some copyright issues." Yeah, maybe.
Full Story

Future News
In an attempt to generate some action, Vegas changes the line for Sunday's Oakland/Philly game to Raiders +30. The public skepticism was proved correct as the Eagles easily cover, 58-2.

More Future News
Game one of the ALCS, which started Friday night, finally comes to an anticlimactic end Sunday afternoon as the Yankees pulled out the win. 25-24. Having depleted all available players to actually play the game, Angels owner Arte Moreno challenged the meanest looking Yankee fan to winner take all game of Roshambo to end it. After 3 or 4 spirited rounds, Moreno fell to the earth defeated while the herculean, bear of a Yankee fan was carried of by a loaded David Wells.

A stunned Vladamir Guerrero was heard to remark, to no one in particular, with a tone of both admiration and disappointment "That guy has brass balls man. Brass. Freakin. Balls."

A curiously restrained Alex Rodriguez was reported to have muttered "that was Goldie Hawn." Kurt Russell could not be reached for comment.

Game two of the ALCS is scheduled to be played Tuesday through Thursday, first pitch scheduled for 6:15 EST.

Read This Post!

Now that we're a full quarter of the way through the NFL season, it's time to take stock of my beloved Raiders.

The only real question left to ask is if Michael Vick will be our starting QB next year or will it be Brady Quinn? A closer inspection is required.

VICK:
Well, to get Vick the Raids would have to make another trade which gives them the opportunity to vastly overpay for something again, (Seymour, R., Brown, L.) so that's a plus. I see a 5 year, 60 million dollar deal, heavily frontloaded and guaranteed. Vick also has the rifle arm and no accuracy, so check and check.

There are some potential roadblocks though. After Al Davis traded the Raiders 2011 first round pick to the Patriots for a long snapper and ball tee, I'm not sure they have enough picks to entice the Eagles into a trade. Unless Andy Reid is eyeballing that 2015 second round conditional. Secondly, Vick is a loser. Al Davis like to take past winners who are washed up and try to recapture glory. Aside from being a dog fighting champion and successful spreader of herpes, I don't think Mexico . . . . er. . . Vick has many trophies on the shelf.

QUINN:
Quinn has the upside of being a total castoff that nobody wants. he got benched in Cleveland for Gods sake. Time for a Plunkett revival! He would certainly come cheap, important for the NFL's least valuable team. Quinn doesn't have any arm to speak of which is bad for the 1960's era playbook the Cable Guy runs but he does have one thing that makes him a near lock to end up in silver and black.

Notre Dame. The Golden Dome. Al Davis loves anybody who played for Notre Dame, even if they suck. Especially if they have a Heisman. Or were mentioned for a Heisman. It's like talent evaluating with Beano Cook.

OUTLOOK: Who Will QB the Raiders in 2010?
Vick - 3:1
Quinn - 5:2
Ron Powlus - 10:1
Jason Campbell - 21:1
Jeff George - 2:7
JaMarcus Russell - off the board

ODDS AND ENDS:
Good effort JaMarcus, now lose 20 pounds and start working in at right tackle.

Can we put to rest the idea that Darren McFadden is an elite talent? He's an injury prone fumble machine who can't work inside the hashes. He's a poor mans Reggie Bush. A POOR MANS REGGIE BUSH!!! He'll be porking Alexis Arquette within the next few weeks, lock it down.

Brett Favre looks like Harry Dean Stanton in Red Dawn.

Aaron Rodgers looks like a man who fully supports a Logans Run type rule for NFL quarterbacks.

Now we know who wears the pants in Tom Brady's house. Nobody.

You only need one thing to make Southern Comfort delicious. A glass.

Or a really long straw.

Adrian Peterson reminds me of a running back who has some big games then disappears.

Why do some bottles of Jack Daniels havea green labels? Is there some form of awesome that I'm unaware of?

C.C. Sabathia could be JaMarcus Russell's half brother.

When I see fourth fourth rounder Louis Murphy outplaying Darius Heyward-Bey badly, it makes me go to the dark place for sad time. Maybe trading those first round picks is a good move after all.

Javon Walker? Anybody?

NFL Preview: Oakland Raiders

Time to stop screwing around with world affairs, I can smell the gridiron and have 32 of these things to write before Labor Day, best to get going.

QB: C- This grade is only this high based on the small potential shown by JaMarcus Russell at the end of last year. If he continues to progress it could be good but if he gets lazy again it could be an F, drifting into Leaf territory. Jeff Garcia continues to show questionable judgment latching on to another crappy team instead of retiring to Hef's mansion with his playmate wife. If he's playing their losing, simple as that. Andrew Walter, Charlie Frye and Bruce Gradkowski are all vying for the third spot. Maybe they should sign a backup kicker instead.

RB: A+ Justin Fargas and Michael Bush are studs*. Fargas and McFadden are made of silly string though so look for Bush to get more carries and yards than you would think. Potential goaline vulture for fantasy purposes. BOLD PREDICTION* - McFadden will be a bust. He was overrated in the draft and is overrated and injury prone now. Neal & O'Neal are both fine blocking FB's.

WR: D Oh boy, does this group suck ass. The Corpse of Javon Walker and Darius Heyward-Bey(DHB) are both hurt already which isn't good when Walker was already a ghost due to his pistol whipping in Vegas last year and DHB has "trouble catching the ball". Yikes. Backups Chaz Schielens & Johnny Lee Higgens are ok I guess but I've never heard anybody game plan for somebody named Chaz. The Raiders did draft the latest Florida bust in Louis Murphy so that should be fun. Basically, no fantasy value, everyone has bust potential. If you enjoyed the James Jett, Mervyn Fernandez era then tune in!

TE: B+ Zach Miller would be an All Pro if anybody could throw him the ball but needs to improve pass blocking to be a Gonzalez-esque player. John Paul Foschi is notable only in the fact that you can combine him with Johnny Lee Higgins in a weird six name parlay.

OL: D Good zone blocking road graders, absolute shit pass protection. Barnes and Henderson both went from being cut or inactivated to starting tackles, Gallery is solid in his new life as a guard but Green, Carlisle, Wade & Satele are all other teams trash.

DL: F Can't stop the run, can't rush the passer. Other than their solid. Warren is still a monumental draft bust, Kelly has been a bust since the big contract (shocker) Burgess wants out in the worst way, Sands can only play half time due to the fact that he weighs moe than an Sherman Tank. Richardson and Ellis are both solid but don't make any big plays.

LB: B+ Kirk Morrison & Thomas Howard are both tackling machines. Morrison isn't very fast but has good position and makes big INT's. Howard is a big time playmaker prone to big time lapses in coverage. You've never heard of anybody trying for the third spot. This group is highly susceptible to big plays by the TE or RB out of the backfield.

DB: Asomugha A+ Everyone Else: F Asomugha is so good nobody even throws at them and why should they? Everybody else is a matador. Nobody can tackle, Huff is a bust, and all the others are low draft picks who play only because they're fast. FUN FACT - Second round draft pick Mitchell was rated the 87th best safety by Mel Kiper yet Al Davis took him in round two after seeing an impressive YouTube video of him lighting up Division 2 players. Not invited to the combine. I was invited to the combine.

K: Incomplete You can never tell with SeaBass. If he can manage not to date rape himself he can be decent with no pressure. If the voices get to him and he drowns in sea of kielbasa then in can be Barrett Robbins-esque.

P: A+ Shane lechler is one of the best in the league. I should know, I've seen him average 28 punts a game since 2002. He might get fatigued though.

Coach: Al Davis - F Tom Cable D It's really not fair to grade Cable since he'll probably be fired by the time somebody reads this but he doesn't strike me a master schemer anyway. I suppose if the old line coach could get some of the players to actually try that might be worth something but we have to hold judgment on that. As always the team has no discipline, if Al Davis has his way, they still won't.

BEST CASE SCENAIO: In a shitty division? 7-9, 2nd in the WEST
WORST CASE SCENARIO: 0-16, Last in the WEST, JaMarcus Russell turns into C.C. Sabathia, Tom Cable resigns to become a waterboy for the Golden State Warriors and Al Davis pays a drifter to shank Marcus Allen. You know it could happen.