Today we're reviewing a classic set of revenge movies:
Punisher (1989)
The Punisher (2004)
Punisher: War Zone (2008)
Bad Azz Mutha: Black Punisher (1998)
Punisher (R 1989) - It's hard to believe this classic Dolph Lundgren pic was a straight to VHS effort. Apparently New World Pictures went bankrupt before it was released here. Anyway, copies of the movie are hard to find and by hard to find I mean I refuse to watch a VHS and it isn't on Netflix. From what I remember when I saw it in 1989 though, it was friggin awesome. Seems like tons of violence, bad dialogue and Lou Gossett Jr. doing stuff. Since it was 1986, I'm betting there was a terrible soundtrack, frequent shots of stripper/hooker related nudity and mild to moderately racist things said about all the Japanese gangster and LGJr. All the stuff a 9 year old boy needs in a film. Good times. FINAL SCORE: B-
The Punisher (R 2004) - Holy god what a mess. Thomas Jane seems like a guy who needs a Prozac and a good nap instead of a guy hellbent on revenge. He literally has dinner with the neighbors in the middle of his rampage. Not good. And everyone seems to know exactly who he is. Isn't he supposed to have a costume and alter ego for a reason? Jane seems like a real firecracker compared to Travolta though. I know Battlefield Earth is the big joke but is it really worse than this? Travolta's "villain" seems manic, alternately ordering people killed the switching to completely disinterested with the fate of the whole plot. Guess what Johnny boy, me too. I would also like to complain that the Punisher family killing scenario is a simple one that should be set up in the first 15 minutes of the movie. This one goes all the way out to foreign islands with family reunions and a long drawn, draaaaaawn out shooting scene just to kill a kid and his mom. Jane wasn't even the Punisher until minute 40 of this wreck. Kill the family, shed the tears, start the rampage. And for God's sake do it with a little life and snap to it.
FINAL SCORE: D-
Punisher:War Zone (R 2008) - Not a bad movie. Ray Stevenson is by far the best Punisher yet and the movie doesn't spend a lot of time before they get to the punishing. There are a couple of those "dinner with neighbors" moments but not many. I do wonder what happened to Dominic West though. He's a great actor and even though he is an English actor he played an Irish guy from Baltimore perfectly in The Wire. I cannot fathom what accent or speech pattern he is going for but it failed miserably. I sounds like Jimmy McNulty had an aneurysm while being raped by a Newsie. Otherwise the Jigsaw effects were obvious but effective enough. I must admit I'm still not sure I can remember the plot. Who cares.
FINAL SCORE: B+
Bad Azz Mutha: Black Punisher (NR 1998) - I have no idea what was going on. Fred Williamson is playing the gritty Lt. Malone from the Black Cobra series but there seems to be a strange divergence of plot. Some of it is Malone chasing bad guys and some of it has to do with freedom fighters and the UN. Worse, for a supposed blaxploitation film, there's very little blaxpolitatin going on. Williamson might be the only black guy in the movie and he seems like a real team player. Hell, he even teams up with the UN at the end of the movie. I thought there would be a lot more of stiff white commissioners telling him to turn in his gun and shield. Maybe a few jive talkin ladies with afro's. If I wanted a lecture on freedom fighters and the UN I would watch Oliver Stone make love to Castro's corpse. What? Fidel is still alive? Who cares, time to go rent Shaft.
FINAL SCORE: Incomplete. I'm not sure this is an actual movie.
I recently watched Let Me In, the American remake of the Swedish vampire film, Let The Right One In. I watched it with some hesitation as the original Swedish movie was outstanding and American remakes of foreign films have a sketchy track record at best.
As far as film quality goes, I was pleasantly surprised. Let Me In is quite a good movie, which isn't that surprising since it's almost exactly the same as the original. The only differences i could remember was that the American version had more graphic killings and made Abby(Eli) much more monstrous. I would also complain that some of the originals subtlety was removed such as a scene (minor spoilers) was changed from a suicide in the original to an accidental death in the American version.
That's small potatoes in the big picture though. If Let The Right One In was a 9.5 then Let Me In is an 8.5. The real issue is why was the movie made at all? Aside from it being in English, it's essentially the same movie. Is that change really enough of a reason to remake an entire movie? I realize that Americans have far less reason to see subtitles movies as Hollywood churns out enough films to keep moviegoers satisfied. From what I understand subtitling and dubbed movies are far more common in Europe where they have a greater diversity of languages and less movies being made.
Maybe we should adapt the same idea of dubbing here. Rather than waste the great performances of the Swedish actors, why not just hire Chloe Moretz, Richard Jenkins, Elias Koteas, etc. to do a really good voice over for the Swedish version and release that in theaters? The movie only made $12 million in its theater run, it seems reasonable that a dubbed version of that could've made just as much without all the cost of actually making the movie, which was around $20 million.
Hollywood is set to deluge the public with a flood of sequels and remakes this year because they know that those films will make money. If they got a little more creative with movies and dubbed an outstanding foreign film for the public rather than blow $20 million on a completely unneeded remake they would have more financial flexibility to make more creative movies instead of just making surefire moneymaking sequels of dubious quality. This would be devastating to the Michael Bays of the world but might be better for the rest of us.
8. The Hudsucker Proxy - C+ - This movie revolves entirely around two odd plot conventions, the God from the Machine and the Magic Negro. Conveniently enough, they actually combine both of these conventions into one character (the clock master, blech) saving the audience the time of having to forget two separate people. Now don't get me wrong, the movie is funny. Tim Robbins, pre-Sarandon stick up his ass, is quite funny as the imbecile and Paul Newman does devious board member better than anyone. Many of the bit players are recognizable Coen brothers favorites and do good work. Three scenes just ruin it though. First, about 45 minutes in, the female lead essentially stops the movie and recaps the entire plot up to that point for the crowd. She might as well have been writing the script. Second, the God in the Negro character appears and explains to the audience how he controls the clock and everything the clock controls. The scene serves no purpose other than to green light problem scene 3 where Tim Robbins falls off the roof and is the suspended in mid-air just a few feet from the ground because the Negro God in the Magic Clocktower put a mop handle in the gears. I swear the Magic Negro is always a caddie or a janitor. Maybe the NAACP can look into that. Anyway, Robbins was saved only so that scene 3 could continue with the appearance of an angel who explains the entire plot of the movie up until that point, then reveals a letter that renders the entire film up until that point completely pointless. 10 more minutes of a sappy ending and voila! Done.
9. Barton Fink - B- - I found myself oddly entertained by this movie which is surprising considering it didn't have a discernible point. Struggling screen writer clashes heads with studio execs, producers and satanish mass murders? Interesting? Yes. Entertaining? Yes. Meaningful? Nope. It's possible that the whole movie was a critique of the movie making process (an accurate one no doubt) but even if that's the case it's still unfulfilled. I don't care about the struggles of screen writers, I don't care how the sausage is made I just want the sandwich, understand? That John Goodman is a damn fine actor though.
10. Miller's Crossing - A - This movie is awesome. It always amazes when someone makes a Road to Perdition (solid movie) or Gangs of New York (P.O.S.) and all the movie reviewers talk about it being the pinnacle if Irish gangster movies As an Irish guy I can confidently say "We already have one!!" Not only is it a good Irish mob movie, it manages to include Jewish underworld figures as well, although the anti-Defamation league can't be happy about all the use of the slur sheeny. While there are a number of good performances, the best belongs to Gabriel Byrne. Anybody who has been poisoned off Byrne by the god awful "In Treatment" or "Madigan Men" should be forced to watch this movie Clockwork Orange style.
11. Raising Arizona - D+ - Clearly I missed the boat on this one. People talk about this movie like it's some kind of timeless comedic classic but I ask anyone who watches it for the first time today, where's the laughs? The big problem is that it was made in the culturally defrauded 80's, 1987 to be exact. Hard to believe it was made when Reagan still had some good time left in his second term. I'm sure in an era where Moonstruck, Ironweed and Throw Momma From the Train were all gathering Oscar nods (seriously, Anne Ramsey nominated for Throw Momma), Raising Arizona might have seemed edgy and hysterical. Much like the Cold War though, that time is gone and were all better off for it. The ungodly accents also rear their ugly heads, luckily to be counterbalanced by a better than you think Nic Cage, with his original hair.
12. Blood Simple - A - This is a great movie that somehow survived being made in the 80's. I had never heard of it until Netflix recommended it to me but it's easily one of the darkest and least appreciated pics in the set. One of the great things about it is how quite the movie is One of my frequent complaints is that the characters spend too much time yammering away to properly set the mood. Not so here, the silence sets the mood and the movie paces along quite nicely. I was never bored and never checked my watch. Good signs.
13. No Country for Old Men - A+ - After repeat viewings, this movie deserved to win the Oscar for best picture. It's just really good. Surprisingly, it is actually better than the book it was based on. Cormac McCarthy's book is almost exactly the same but it reads a little dry while the movie is compelling the whole way through. All you people complaining about not seeing Brolin's death or the whereabouts of the money, get over and use your mind a little.
14. Burn After Reading - B - I just don't understand the hate this movie gets (Ragu). Since when did a trainer blackmailing a CIA agent for a new rack while dating a Treasury officer whose building a manic looking sex chair while screwing the CIA agent's wife on the side get to low brow for America? I didn't realize the movie going public was turning up their collective nose for anything less than The Crying Game or The Pianist. You elitests sicken me. You go watch Eat Pray Love and pretend it's meaningful and I'll go laugh my ass off at George Clooney's highly affordable relaxation device.
***BONUS REVIEW*** A Serious Man - D- - This movie is many things; a examination of Jewish culture and religious tradition, a retelling of the Book of Job, a metaphysical journey into life and karma. One thing it most certainly is not though is funny. I've seen it described as a dark comedy but there is no comedy, it's all black. I realize that the marketing campaign isn't the fault of the filmmakers but this things is comically misrepresented. I felt like choking myself to death with a yarmulke when it was over. I understand making a movie as way of furthering an idea or concept put forth in other media but at the end of the film I should think that I would somehow have greater insight into the meaning of Job instead of feeling a bit like Job himself and hoping that the mighty wind would knock down the theater instead of poor Larry Gopnik house.
I was recently trolling around Ebay and came across a very nice 14 DVD collection of Coen Brothers movies being sold by a fellow movie enthusiast (bootlegger) from Hong Kong. They seemed to be of high quality so I immediately grabbed the set and decided to review all 14 as I watch them. I'll repost when I add new reviews.
Consider yourselves warned for spoilers
1. The Ladykillers (2004) - C+ - This movie actually wasn't as bad as I remembered it and it was light years ahead of the 1955 version. Marlon Wayans actually checks in with a decent performance as one of Tom Hanks' merry band of casino robbers. Good soundtrack, if you like church music, and amusing moments, if not actual laugh out loud moments. The ending is extremely odd though. The whole movie is a slow paced "old fashioned slow burn" kind of comedy, then it seems the directors realized the movie was dragging and decided to wrap everything up in about 15 minutes. Maybe in the third remake we can hash out those character endings a little more, yes?
WHY DO WE NEED . . . . . ?
1) Irritable Bowel Syndrome. How does Pancake having this disease advance any plot line? Does it matter that he met Mountain Girl at an IBS retreat? Nope. Does the condition ever really cause a problem? Nope. All we get is a lengthy conversation about being incontinent. Awesome. 2) Tom Hanks' affectations. Seriously, Hanks' Professor G.H. Dorr seems like the horrible lovechild of Ashley Wilkes, Truman Capote and Foghorn Leghorn. It was like watching John Edwards rob a casino while suffering from Asperger's Syndrome while having a stroke. Bad to the point of distracting. Not a bad afternoon watch though, all things considered.
2. Intolerable Cruelty (2003) - D - Well, only two movies and and we've hit a significant speed bump. I can only assume, because I'm too lazy to check, that this movie was made during the height of Sex and the City hysteria. It really seems like a 2 hour episode only with decent acting. At the end of the day though, well made crap is still crap. I could have lived with the sappy sentimentalism but the movie simply had no cohesive narrative. There was the jaded lawyer transforms plot, goldigger wife learns the value of love plot and the slapstick hitman/private eye/sex crazed train enthusiast plot all mashed together with an odd soap opera trick plot and absurd assistant plot. Too much friend.
DID WE REALLY NEED? - Any of it? All those long winded speeches?
WHAT WE NEED MORE OF - Billy Bob Thornton, Wheezy Joe, Cedric the Entertainer.
3. Bad Santa (2003) - A - This movie is awesome. A few years ago the wife and I were collaborating around the holidays and came to the mutual agreement that this was the Christmas movie that would be viewed on a yearly basis in our house. Move over Christmas Story and The Santa Clause. Billy Bob Thornton steals the show, drinking, beating up kids, defiling dressing rooms. Add major roles by the now dead John Ritter and Bernie Mac and it's a near perfect Christmas movie so long as your not looking for It's a Wonderful Life style uplifting messages about life and humanity. Although love does conquer all, in a deviant sort of way.
DO WE REALLY NEED? - All that anal sex. I don't care how consensual it is, it's still rape. Or at the very least assault.
WHAT WE NEED MORE OF - Christmas pickles.
NOTABLE QUOTABLES - "Are you fuckin with me?!"
4. The Man Who Wasn't There (2001) - B+ - I really enjoy this slow paced pseudo-noir. Ironically enough, the first time I saw through Netflix, I saw the black and white version released in the US. Because this box set is from China though, the version I saw today was the color version that was thrown in a box set that sold in France and Korea. See the black and white. The movie was clearly designed to be transferred to B&W, so all the sets, cloths, etc. really lack any color or pop. If you get the box set, just look for a cheap American copy on eBay to replace it, then give the Korean version to a film fan relative. The movie itself is a quirky tale of murder and adultery starring the always solid BB Thornton. The movie does suffer from plot vomit. There are about 5 movies going on here, luckily, they are all interesting. One question that kept coming up in my mind was why The Barber would have done what he did considering his wife was being a total bitch. After she got set up for the chair, I would've washed my hands of the whole affair. The movie would have only been 45 minutes but it would have made more sense.
DID WE REALLY NEED? - Alien abduction theory. All that brother in law.
WE NEED MORE OF - James Gandolfini, calling gays "pansy", wops.
5. O Brother Where Art Thou? (2000) - B - I think a persons decision about whether or not they like this movie hinges on your taste in music. If you like, or can tolerate, bluegrass, folksy music then you've got a fighting chance. If you hate that kind of music then don't even bother, it permeates just about every scene. Aside from that caveat, it's also a really good movie and a fairly faithful adaptation of Homer's the Odyssey. I gotta say though, the performance that could be abandoned altogether is the wife. Very, very schrewy.
GOD'S FAVORITE ACTOR - George Clooney. In addition to all the things he's got going for him, the man has absolutely tremendous hair. He rivals Tom Brady in the "most ridiculous amount of natural gifts" department.
NOTABLE QUOTABLES - "Damn, we're in a tight spot!" "The color guard is colored!" "Thank God your mammy died in childbirth. If she'd seen you, she'd died of shame."
EXCUSE ME? - How exactly did all four of the fellas get their hands untied from behind their backs before they drowned? Was being in the Klan really enough to lose you an election in Mississippi in that time?
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP! - Baby Face Nelson was three years room temperature before miraculously being raised from the ground by the Almighty Hand of Providence to kill cows and scream manically in this movie.
6. The Big Lebowski (1998) - A - Including this time, I've probably seen this movie 25 times now. It never gets old. I did notice some things that brought it down from an A+ First of all, Julianne Moore and her gimp associate Knox Harrington. They are eccentric and annoying for no discernible reason. In fact, I'm not sure why they exist at all. And I have more questions than the movie answers. What are the details between Tara Reid and her porn producer Jackie Treehorn? Why did she owe him money? Did the old Jeff Lebowski get the idea to marry her from porn? Doesn't seem right. Why does the Dude's front door swing out, instead of in? Why isn't there an In n Out burger in Colorado Springs? Did the nihilists not let Bunny in on their kidnapping plot? They were in a porn together, seems like they could've gotten together on that one. What happened to the money? Did the old man get it? Why couldn't we see the toe extraction scene?
MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION: Where can I can buy a Pendleton sweater, cowichan style, like the Dude wears? That thing looks seriously comfortable. Makes me wanna take a nap.
WHAT I NEED MORE OF: White russians, Vietnam, Logjammin, Jesus Quintero, Malibu sheriffs, CCR, actual bowling, spur of the moment prostitution, Brandt.
WHAT I NEED LESS OF: Bad accents, creepy landlords, ear ripping scenes.
7. Fargo (1996) - B- - You know, I've been to Montana in my days. They have people there. Lots of them, full of folksy charm. Covered in snow, wide open spaces, a bit of the old west come to life if you will. Perhaps a few of them could've been killed in this movie. Then I wouldn't have to drop this movie almost 2 whole grades due to THOSE RIDICULOUS ACCENTS!!! I swear the Coen Brothers are trying to drive me nuts with these friggin accents. They serve no purpose other than to bother me. The Dakota's are the worst, not quite Strange Brew, Not quite That 70's Show. I was hoping Steve Buscemi would just kill everybody and be done with it. So damn frustrating. Almost ruined a good movie.On the plus, they did distract the viewer from the absolute incompetent plot hatched by the dim-witted husband. Now, my wife has never nominated me for Husband of the Year but I would never pay strangers to kidnap her for the ransom. Why? First of all, I'm pretty sure I agreed not to do that in the vows, secondly, they strangers I would hire would probably crash her skull in with an axe. Law of probability.
WHAT I NEED MORE OF:Woodchippers, angry Native Americans.
WHAT I NEED LESS OF: Talking, naked Steve Buscemi, judgmental Brainard prostitutes.
This completes the first half of the 14 Disc Movie Review. I'll put the other 7 in a new post to spare the reader some scrolling.
It's always sad when a decent piece of art is ruined by incompetent businessmen. Sadly, this has been happening recently regarding the Scorcese pic Shutter Island. (spoiler warning)
I had forgotten about this movie until it showed up in my Netflix queue. Strangely enough, I hadn't heard much about the film since its release, other than that it was pretty good. Scorcese and Dicaprio, so I assumed that was true. And it was, for the most part. The best thing about it was that I knew the plot framework but not the actual details or plot twists. It was unspoiled.
Then came the DVD ad campaign that was inescapable.
The twist ending! Twist ending! Twist ending! You won't believe it! Who's patient 67?! Mind blowing! Did we mention the twist ending?!
I guess they want me to know that the ending is truly mind blowing. I blame M. Night for this. The Sixth Sense was so good and caught everybody by surprise that now all the retarded PR/Marketing people are trying to force that magic down your throat again.
Unfortunately, armed with the knowledge that was in the trailer a person could figure out that "big plot twist" about 15 minutes into the 2 hour movie. I did anyway.
The problem with being told how the end is a compete 180 from the rest of the movie is that while you watch the first 60% of the movie, you know it's bullshit because the trailer told you so. In this case, DiCaprio is a cop trying to solve a case. But we know that can't actually be the case because a big twist is coming so what can it be? There are only about 4 characters in the whole movie, DiCaprio is getting 75% of the screen time so obviously it revolves around him, what could be so mind blowing about a cop investigating a mental hospital. . . . . . Oh yeah, he's actually a patient. The only real suspense was why he was in there in the first place. Which was heady stuff but hardly mind blowing.
This isn't to say the movie isn't any good, it's a solid B movie. I would put it slightly above similar movies like Identity and Frailty** (but behind Sixth Sense) but only because Scorcese makes such a beautiful movie and DiCaprio, Ruffalo and Kingsley all give such good performances. Story wise it's a wash.
It's one thing if some blogger or one of you buddies ruins the twist for you but why is the movie studio trying so hard to be the first in line to ruin it for you? Wouldn't a commercial that said "The new Scorcese pic with DiCaprio, you know you want it." work just as well? Of course it would. The problem is that PR/Ad people assume that everyone not in the biz is a complete moron. They themselves are a devious combination of stupid and liar so they think they can hammer you with the blunt hammer of the obvious and you'll be too stupid to notice that they've given away the climax.
I almost made it to the end without being tainted by this lunacy but all the ads during the Celtics/Lakers games were too much to avoid. By the time I put the disc in the player, I knew it was too late. It's a shame too, the movie was pretty good and would've been better if I wasn't constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
** Frailty and Identity are both really good movies and do a far better job of hiding their big twist, which differ substantially from the one in Shutter Island. See these before Shutter Island and you'll be happy you did.
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