Worst Movies Ever

This will be a running list of the worst movies I've ever seen. In no particular order.
***UPDATE*** In the spirit of positive over negative, in addition to identifying some of the worst movies ever, I will also try and offer up a better alternative.

13.  Gosford Park (2001) - There is a certain strain of British movie that is very leisurely paced yet somehow still manages to be a compelling watch that can even pull you in to a mystery or get you invested in certain characters almost against your will. Think of some of the older Poirot movies and shows or what I assume Dowton Abbey is like. This narcalepsy inducing bore is none of those things. They managed to get that particular brand of classism that is so familar to British entertainment, the stuffy condescension of most of the characters, what I assume is supposed to be razor sharp dialogue and a great depiction of the utterly pointless, superficial activities of upper class England. Sadly, it has almost nothing else. There's a murder at some point but I didn't care about anything that was happening and all I felt was a creeping sense of envy. The other characters in the movie didn't seem particularly bothered either. Some people went hunting, some servants banged some other servants, servants banged some top floor idiots, they played cards and we heard long conversations between staff about what kind of people their bosses were. Terrible as it turns out. The only thing remotely interesting was that someone decided that the best thing to have Ryan Phillippe do was pretend to be Scottish. Outstanding. If the point was to instill a sense of dread about the utter pointlessness of the human experiement, then well done. Gold stars all around. The fact that they tried to sell this as a comedic murder mystery is hilarious. The only thing less interesting than the whodunnit was finding out the answer. Horrific. TRY INSTEAD: Poirot (1989-2013), The Pearl of Death (1944), Layer Cake (2004).

12. Voyagers (2021) - Jesus this sucks. Not even the free pass of a pandemic excuses this lame Lord of the Flies rip-off. The first problem is that the world apparently has the technology to locate a new Earth and organize a colinizing mission in 2063. Sure, its 2021 now and only Amazon can get a package into space with any efficiency but in forty more years we can embark on an 86 year space mission. Sure. I couldn't get a door latch for my minivan in less than a month from China but Colin Ferrel can get a bunch of space millenials into deep space lickety split. The pace of this movie is completely wrecked. The main prick of the movie goes from member of the crew, to suspicious, to rebellious in the first seven minutes of the movie for apparently self evident reasons. Apparently 18 years of space schooling didn't quite take. I think Colin Ferrel can safely pack up that teacher of the year mug. Then we get 80 minutes of angsty, brooding rape faces. The future of humanity is supposedly at stake and I was openly rooting for all of them to get sucked into a black hole. TRY INSTEAD: High-Life.

11. Martyrs (2008) - This movie had all the makings of a nice little B grade revenge/slasher/psycho horror flick and then everything went straight to hell. It seemed like about 50 minutes into the movie they realized they ran out of script and needed something to fill the last 40 minutes. Then some French jackass came up with the idea to brutally beat a young girl for 30 minutes, skin her alive for 5, then use the last five minutes to try and justify that with a ton of psuedo-religous nut-jobbery. I don't consider myself a lightweight when it comes to violent movies but this is just offensive how little the movie cares about women, runaways, mental health issues, religion, the audience and basic human decency. You just can't do these things without any justification for it. This movie has negative justification. It lacks the lighthearted comedy you find in Hostel movies. I think the senselessness of this movie compares to a movie like Captivity but that's just a guess because I'll never watch that abomination. TRY INSTEAD: Why don't you turn off the Netflix for a while and just hug your kids for once.

10. Alyce Kills (2011) - When a movie revolves itself around a smattering of lesbian sex scenes followed by a drug fueled descent into madness, the bar for success is set so low it's practically on the ground. How can you screw up such a simple formula? How about long drawn out monologues about Enron? That's a good start. How about going 65 minutes, in a 95 minute movie, without a killing? Yep. I'm convinced the director forgot the movie was supposed to be a horror until the last day of shooting where he just killed whatever actor happened to be on set. More problems: the fact that the moral compass of the movie is a strung out dealer who trades sex for heroin; the movie ends so abruptly that the editor must've had a stroke mid-edit and nobody bothered to finish it; and the biggest sin of all, most of it was just boring. TRY INSTEAD: Excision (2012), The Loved Ones (2009); Breathless (2012).

9. Midnight in Paris (2011) - This franco-masturbatory pile of self indulgent excrement must have been underwritten by the French Chamber of Commerce. I realize that Woody Allen has turned his neurotic stalking from NYC to Europe but this is ridiculous. It's one thing to be nostalgic for the past but to be nostalgic for a past that never existed is pathetic. I refuse to believe that Owen Wilson would find the magic wormhole that allowed him to travel back in time just so he can get Hemmingway to give him notes on his crappy book. I also refuse to believe that the Rachel McAdams character exists in real life. Women this bitchy yet still desired only exist in movies so that we feel sorry for a lead character that we would otherwise wish a horrible, horrible death on. Not this time Woody. TRY INSTEAD: Un Prophete (2009); OSS 117: Lost in Rio (2009); OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (2006).

8. What Dreams May Come (1998) - Sweet Jesus what a mess. Whatever hope this movie had was quickly destroyed in a massive bout of overacting and scenery chewing by Robin Williams and Cuba Gooding Jr. right before he made that movie with Horatio Sanz on the gay cruise. The real crime here though is that not only did they make a god awful movie (pun intended), they obliterated the memory of a pretty readable book. And seriously, Max von Sydow should just pretend to be dead next time Patch Adams comes callin'. TRY INSTEAD: Drag Me To Hell (2009).

7. The Baader-Meinhof Complex (2008) - A grueling, 2 hour plus communist/terrorist lovefest that could only be loved by all those jackasses wearing Che t-shirts. One good part was the nude loving German RAF terrorists trying to explain to the PLO that sex and revolution are one in the same. Bet they got a lot of mileage out of that one. TRY INSTEAD: Munich (2005).

6. Marie Antoinette (2006) - The mystery of Sofia Coppola continues. Avoid this movie at all costs. Gay porn would be a serious upgrade in both acting and plot. TRY INSTEAD: Girl With A Pearl Earring (2003).

5. Drillbit Taylor (2008) - Owen Wilson's veins didn't just spontaneously burst from massive pride and accomplishment you know. TRY INSTEAD: Battle Royale (2000).

4. The Fourth Kind (2009) - The movie starts with Milla Jovovich warning the audience that many of the scenes in the movie are real footage from police files and that the story is essentially true. That would in fact make the movie better if that weren't a complete lie. Not only did they make a fictional movie, they opened it with a fictional PSA to try and make you think it might be true. I already bought your ridiculous premise when I bought the ticket. Stop trying to trick me a second time. And then try making a good movie. TRY INSTEAD: Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy (1968) or Predator (1987).

2 & 3. Lady in the Water/The Happening (2006/2008) - Maybe The Last Airbender will be M. Nights big comeback movie. What's that? Oh. TRY INSTEAD: The Abyss (1989)/The Signal (2007).

1. Sphere (1998) - If Sharon Stone plays a major role that doesn't include coked-out whoring or sex crazed murdering, there's a good chance that movie sucked. Exhibit A. TRY INSTEAD: Event Horizon (1997).

Booze, Baseball and Silkwood Showers

Sampler packs seem like a great idea. In theory.

Logically speaking if a product has many variations that you would like to try a little of before committing to a full run, then a sampler is the way to go. This has traditionally been the case with booze. Especially with beer.

This line of thinking led me straight into the jaws of the Jim Beam X-mas 4 pack.

Things started off so well. A nice airplane sized bottle of regular Jim Beam on the rocks. Delicious. Pour number two was the livelier Jim Beam Black. I'm my humble opinion, a better drink than the original.

Then it happened.

Understand that by this point that I'm in free drinking mode. Not drunk mind you, those bottles don't hold tons, but I could see a decent buzz just around the corner provided I could get the last two bottles working in me quick enough.

Bottle number 3. Red Stag. I have no idea what this is but I pour it on ice, let it chill a bit, then swigged a big mouthful of despair.

I felt like I was being waterboarded with a combination of cherry NyQuil, Mineral Ice and kerosene. It was awful. So awful I had another drink just to prove to myself that I didn't just have a stroke during the last drink. The cumulative effect was worse than the first drink alone! I seriously could not even begin to imagine what flavor was trying to be achieved here. If date rape had a flavor this was it. So after I tricked my wife into tasting this catastrophe (she wasn't pleased), I finished it off then went to examine the bottle to see just what had happened.

I should have known. Black Cherry Bourbon. Just great. It recalled the same disgusted feeling I had after taking a shot of Jack Daniels Honey Assault. I never thought I could have anything worse than that honey sludge in my mouth until the Red Stag came along. Turns out I was wrong. This Black Cherry WMD is worse than JD Honey, lengua and a weekend at Burning Man combined.

Make no mistake, I'm not against a blend per se. I quite favor the Jeremiah Weed Cherry Mash Bourbon but we've gone to far in trying to flavor booze. From Smirnoff Ice, to honey whiskey to strawberry vodka to Red Stag it just seems like booze manufacturers are solely focused on ways to make it easier for women and gay guys to get drunk. I know I'm not the only one who sees this trend happening. Otherwise, Michael Imperioli wouldn't be questioning my manhood over a shot of Tequila every third commercial during the playoffs.

Luckily, the good folks at Jim Beam closed out the sampler with the very enjoyable Devils Cut. My brain would like me to believe that going 3 for 4 in anything is admirable. Damn near a spectacular night in baseball. My heart tells me the truth though. Not all 3 for 4's are the same. Sometimes you get 3 singles and a weak pop to short. Sometime you hit a double, two homers and fly out to the track. Then sometimes you get a couple doubles, a hard single off the wall then you beat the umpire to death before you defecate in his goalies mask.

Red Stag is closer to ump murdering than a flyout. I still love me some JB but like a jilted lover I'm gonna need to take a little break after this breach of trust. Spend a little quality time with the Wild Turkey until I can get the stink of this episode off of me and learn to love again.

Series Movie Review: Punisher

Today we're reviewing a classic set of revenge movies:

Punisher (1989)

The Punisher (2004)

Punisher: War Zone (2008)

Bad Azz Mutha: Black Punisher (1998)

Punisher (R 1989) - It's hard to believe this classic Dolph Lundgren pic was a straight to VHS effort. Apparently New World Pictures went bankrupt before it was released here. Anyway, copies of the movie are hard to find and by hard to find I mean I refuse to watch a VHS and it isn't on Netflix. From what I remember when I saw it in 1989 though, it was friggin awesome. Seems like tons of violence, bad dialogue and Lou Gossett Jr. doing stuff. Since it was 1986, I'm betting there was a terrible soundtrack, frequent shots of stripper/hooker related nudity and mild to moderately racist things said about all the Japanese gangster and LGJr. All the stuff a 9 year old boy needs in a film. Good times. FINAL SCORE: B-

The Punisher (R 2004) - Holy god what a mess. Thomas Jane seems like a guy who needs a Prozac and a good nap instead of a guy hellbent on revenge. He literally has dinner with the neighbors in the middle of his rampage. Not good. And everyone seems to know exactly who he is. Isn't he supposed to have a costume and alter ego for a reason? Jane seems like a real firecracker compared to Travolta though. I know Battlefield Earth is the big joke but is it really worse than this? Travolta's "villain" seems manic, alternately ordering people killed the switching to completely disinterested with the fate of the whole plot. Guess what Johnny boy, me too. I would also like to complain that the Punisher family killing scenario is a simple one that should be set up in the first 15 minutes of the movie. This one goes all the way out to foreign islands with family reunions and a long drawn, draaaaaawn out shooting scene just to kill a kid and his mom. Jane wasn't even the Punisher until minute 40 of this wreck. Kill the family, shed the tears, start the rampage. And for God's sake do it with a little life and snap to it.

FINAL SCORE: D-

Punisher:War Zone (R 2008) - Not a bad movie. Ray Stevenson is by far the best Punisher yet and the movie doesn't spend a lot of time before they get to the punishing. There are a couple of those "dinner with neighbors" moments but not many. I do wonder what happened to Dominic West though. He's a great actor and even though he is an English actor he played an Irish guy from Baltimore perfectly in The Wire. I cannot fathom what accent or speech pattern he is going for but it failed miserably. I sounds like Jimmy McNulty had an aneurysm while being raped by a Newsie. Otherwise the Jigsaw effects were obvious but effective enough. I must admit I'm still not sure I can remember the plot. Who cares.

FINAL SCORE: B+

Bad Azz Mutha: Black Punisher (NR 1998) - I have no idea what was going on. Fred Williamson is playing the gritty Lt. Malone from the Black Cobra series but there seems to be a strange divergence of plot. Some of it is Malone chasing bad guys and some of it has to do with freedom fighters and the UN. Worse, for a supposed blaxploitation film, there's very little blaxpolitatin going on. Williamson might be the only black guy in the movie and he seems like a real team player. Hell, he even teams up with the UN at the end of the movie. I thought there would be a lot more of stiff white commissioners telling him to turn in his gun and shield. Maybe a few jive talkin ladies with afro's. If I wanted a lecture on freedom fighters and the UN I would watch Oliver Stone make love to Castro's corpse. What? Fidel is still alive? Who cares, time to go rent Shaft.

FINAL SCORE: Incomplete. I'm not sure this is an actual movie.

A Curious Book Review

***contains spoilers for A Brave New World***

Having recently finished Aldous Huxley's classic A Brave New World, I find myself liking the book quite a bit but am bothered by one facet of the work that gnaws at my mind.

Upon reflection, I'm not sure that John the Savage was worthy as a character to carry the message of individual dignity and liberty in the face of The World State. To quickly summarize John, he was an 18 year old who was born on an Indian reservation in New Mexico after his mother, a World State resident, was stranded their on vacation and presumed dead. Discovered by the vacationing Bernard and Lenina, John and his mother are brought back to London and the World State.

Almost immediately John reacts negatively against the World State's lack of personal nobility, struggle, achievement and dignity. He correctly notes that by removing art, science, religion, curiosity, etc. from daily life, life itself has no real meaning. He himself yearns for the opportunity to overcome an obstacle, to prove himself worthy both to Lenina and to himself.

This is where the trouble lies for me. John, having been excluded from society when living with the Indians, hopes to be able to find self worth in London. After making some futile attempts to explain his way of thinking and the concept of liberty and dignity, John first tries to live like a hermit and punish himself in a deserted part of England, then, when he gets discovered flagellating himself, crowds of World Staters come to view and mock him in his ritual. One of these onlookers is Lenina, who despite the fact that she was sad and crying for John, whose presence sends John into a rage where he beats the living shit out of her which also triggers a blood orgy among the gathered crowd. The next day after John realizes what he did, he promptly kills himself. This causes two problems for me the reader.

PROBLEM ONE
John validates everything the World Staters think he is. He may talk eloquently about art, music, science, etc. and how they help man excel but when confronted with the scorn of the new world, John reacts with explosive emotion, beating Lenina on multiple occasions, antagonizing the more mindless of new world citizens and hiding in various places. The World Staters created their society to solve the very problems John was causing, i.e. explosive emotional reactions that lead to war and unhappiness. Rather than be the torchbearer of liberty, it's as if the character exists to prove the Controllers right.

PROBLEM TWO
John complains frequently about having a chance to be heroic, about having an obstacle to overcome. Yet, when confronted with the challenge of fighting the World State's lack of humanity, he chooses to kill himself after a relatively few setbacks. Being the student of Shakespeare he appears to be, he should realize how large a role perseverance and failure plays in ultimate success. Especially when you consider that he had already made some progress. Bernard and Helmholtz were already discovering the things John already knew. Lenina, in an infantile way, was feeling the same emotions (love) that he wanted her to feel, she just didn't know what to do with them. Finally, Mustapha Mond admitted to John that people who desire freedom and liberty are frequent occurrences in the World State and that they are simply removed from sight. There have been movements in real life that started with less foundation than that. It seems plausible that if John, not being banished to an island and still free to talk openly about his beliefs, was truly worthy of the hero status he sought, he could've at least fought in the face of all that adversity, especially with the child like love of Lenina so ready to be exploited. Instead, he killed himself, proving the Indians right in their assumptions that he wasn't worthy of their inclusions while simultaneously proving that the Controller's view that heroism only causes instability correct as well.

All together, the book is still a masterpiece of dystopian totalitarianism but the portrayal of John will always strike me as odd given how Huxley was trying to expose this communal/communistic lifestyle as a fraud. I'm sure more knowledgeable scholars than myself can try and find meaning in the subtext that explains John's failings. Perhaps his admission of failure and ultimate decision was the ultimate act of freedom in an oppressive world, I don't know. All I know is that if liberty, dignity and freedom are worthy enough that all people should be granted them unconditionally, then it seems that John should have been worthy enough to execute them as well.

Peace, Love and Holy Sh*t!

Long time hippie legend and one time Dylan love receptacle Joan Baez has made her way into the news again.

It had been a while since I had heard anything from the former Blowin in the Winder and I had assumed she had mosied on up to heaven to check the environmental protection reports in Paradise. Apparently, she's still here on our glorious blue marble trying her best to get me to do a spit take on my keyboard at work.

It seems as if Mrs. Baez has spent the time since her 60's heyday and the present whipping together a masterful, wall-less treehouse, 20 plus feet above the ground somewhere on her property. Why wall-less you would ask? So she can sleep with "real birds" of course.

While I can appreciate the allure of sleeping with nature sounds (I myself enjoy a soothing wave machine) I must question the architectural and psychological decision to build something that high off the ground without walls, if it was to be slept in. Nevertheless, I'm not rich, have never done acid and don't much give a crap about communing with nature so perhaps I'm not in the right to judge how a person chooses to show their love of the great outdoors.

Sadly, nature herself chose not to reciprocate that love today.

It seems that Mrs. Baez was up in her Walden-esque hideaway, attempting to soak in the great outdoors when she somehow managed to fall from her perch where only the ground, as cold and as hard as only a callous lover can be, greeted her with a thud, causing minor injuries.

Thankfully, she seems to have made it out without any major pain. Not a bad feat for a 69 year old whose ridden some hard miles. The fact that she didn't hurt herself also takes a story from potentially tragic to absolutely hysterical. You would think that a person so committed to the environment might generate a little good will from Mother Earth. Those big ravens from Dumbo should've been around to catch her on the descent. Maybe the grass could've grown a bit plusher. Maybe the Irony Gods just wouldn't allow it.

Sadly, I'm sure the tumultuous fall gathered as much notice by the Earth as a duck feather landing on an elephant. Let not there be a lesson lost however. All you young hippies in California should take notice at this possible calamity. You can commune with squirrels as easy as you can birds. Lets build those tree forts a little closer to the ground next time or were going to have send the Agriculture Departments Rural Development squad out there to write you people up.

Tale of the Tape

Breaking it down!

Pinball Wizard (PW) vs. The Jukebox Hero (JH)

AGE:

41 / 29

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HOMETOWN:

London, UK / New York, NY

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HIGHEST RANK:

#19 USA, #4UK / #26 US

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BREAKDOWN:

Competition - PW had to go into the arena nightly to take on the likes of the Street Fighting Man and the less violent but more skilled Piano Man. JH had a relatively easier path to greatness as much of the competition was either falling prey to the rampant drug culture (Mr. Brownstone) or was a cheap asian knockoff (Mr. Roboto). EDGE: Pinball Wizard.

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Groupies - Being deaf, dumb and blind, PW was at the mercy of his handlers who may not have worked as diligently in procuring premium groupies or worse, may have kept the cream of the crop themselves. On the other hand, sans senses the PW had no embarrassing morning afters or beer goggle regrets. The JH may have been able to enjoy the groupies on a different level than the PW but at what cost? Awkward mornings, the payoffs, must have been horrible. Close category. . . . . TIEBREAKER: While the JH may have to deal more directly with the consequences of groupie culture, the ability to see and hear leaves him nearly impossible to trick into the random post-op tranny that makes their way into the groupie line. PW is defenseless. EDGE: Jukebox Hero.

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Posse - Not strong for either to be honest. The JH is languishing with Brits on the means streets of NYC with an aging Mick Jones and an ex-King Crimson crooner Ian McDonald. Yikes. You'd think PW would be rolling heavy with Roger Daltry, Pete Townsend and Keith Moon in pocket until we realized Daltry was a waify 5'5", Pete Townsend was a pedophile and Keith Moon was dead. EDGE: Gotta call this a PUSH.

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Lasting Legacy - I'm not sure any two people have done more to hurt the karaoke industry since Billy Squier packed off for the lab. Today's generation regards both these warriors the same way they view white basketball players from the 50's. The only question left is who is George Mikan and who is Dolph Schayes? I was going to call this a push until I was recently explaining to my daughter at the mall about the "dumb" kid and why he was moving his hands that way. 5 seconds later I was being arrested for a hate crime as a group of vocally challenged mall walkers silently projected their hate at me. EDGE: Jukebox Hero.

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GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT - PW-While smoking Peyote during Woodstock, Pinball Wizard claims that Joan Baez gave him a secret pagan/satanic verse to recite that would allow him to take on a spectral form to posses anyone he wished. PW then proceeded to posses Pete Townsend and club Abbie Hofmann with a guitar. Sadly, the sacrifice given for this gift was Sly Stone's sanity and career. JH-Foresight. Even in the age of iPods, streaming audio and satellite radio, jukebox's are a lasting legacy, known to everyone, thereby making the Jukebox Hero culturally relevant and rich, due to a crafty trademarking in the early 80's. Pat Riley has nothing on JH. While authentic juke's are a pricey and highly sought after commodity, you think any kid is just yearning to put down the XBOX controller and go play some pinball? Hell, you can do that on the Wii. JH was also rumoured to have had a steamy tryst with Cyndi Lauper and Pat Benatar (was Lita Ford busy or something?) but I think at this point that can only be counted as a negative. EDGE: Pinball Wizard.

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WINNER - The results end up in a tie, 2-2 with on push. Too bad ties are for communists and soccer moms. Therefore, the slight edge has to be given, along with the belt, to the Pinball Wizard. While I find his chosen career puzzling it can't be forgot that he headed into the arena with only his sense of smell and stared down legends like Mojo Risin. Figuratively stared down, of course. As good as the Jukebox Hero was, he's destined to be the Larry Holmes of his generation, stuck in a talent dead spot. By the time Jeremy, Spoonman and Mr. Moustache came on the scene to provide a proper challenge, The Jukebox Hero had become the George Foreman of his generation, only without the comeback.

The Seventh Seal Opens, A Look Back

The world is full of crucial moments that signal the transition between two distinct eras. After much contemplation, I've decided that the most important one in recent memory happened in 1978 when The B-52's released Rock Lobster which reached #56 on Billboard's Hot 100. Here are the lyrics, to refresh your memory. You go read, I'll wait.

. . . . .



Okey doke.

That song is complete nonsense with a synthesized crappy sound bed. A crucifix in a jar of piss has more artistic value than Rock Lobster. Who bakes potatoes at the beach? How did your ear lobe get into the deep? What does it mean to be fruggin, exactly? Why are you morons not able to properly identify a rock lobster, which in fact does not look much like a rock? Perhaps you simply went to a beach and with a child like sense of wonder started trying to find things that might possibly rhyme? That's what I think.

Unfortunately, this type of song wold become all to familiar of music "created" in the cultural dead zone known as the 80's, while it simultaneously signals the end of the 60's/70's. The two times couldn't be more different. Music in the 60's and 70's might not have always been good but for every crappy Carpenters song there was a little CCR, Doors, Van Morrison etc. to even it out. Even disco was clearly superior to manufactured 80's pop. The Bee Gee's get a lot of crap but lyrically the were fairly competent and the music had actual instruments and not just a Casio keyboard with low batteries.


Before Rock Lobster there was free love and bong loads, after Rock Lobster there was cocaine and AIDS. Not a great trade off unless being terrified during every sexual encounter was your particular fetish, then game on to you sir.

Ironically, this massive, decade long drop off in substantial artistic/cultural depth happened at the same time as the reverse was happening politically, as we traded the Nixon/Ford/Carter debacles for the return to prominence under Reagan.

Maybe that explains it. Politically speaking, the United States was a nightmare from Kennedy getting killed until Reagan was elected. Maybe all the tough times during the 60's/70's simply became too much for that generation (notoriously selfish and weak minded) to take and when they couldn't sing, sex or dance their problems away, they just gave up, brought Reagan in to clean up the nation's problems and went into a cultural void. Or died, in some cases.

And like all voids it had to be filled by something. In this case it was filled by Madness, Eddie Money, a seriously crappy Moody Blues, a seriously modern-rocked Chicago, John Hughes movies, the inexplicable rise of Paul Reiser and finally, the B-52's.

An absolute 180 cultural turn that can first be traced back to a crappy song from a crappy band. Who knew in that dark day in 1978 when that aural date rape first came on the air that it signaled an end of an era? Who knew it was the tip of a crappy spear? Probably nobody. It was just the new-fangled song that came on between Le Freak and You Don't Bring Me Flowers. Only time can provide the proper historical context for world changing moments. Much like the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, Michael Jackson's Moonwalker the forward pass, we now know that the release of a little known song about a Cousteauian beach party gone wrong was in fact a massive transitional moment in history that would change the world forever.

Here comes a sting-ray
There goes a manta-ray
In walked a jellyfish
There goes a dogfish
Chased by a catfish
In flew a sea robin
Watch out for that piranha
There goes a narwhale
Here comes a bikini whale

ROCK LOBSTER!

Coen Brothers 14 DVD Set Review, 8-14+1

8. The Hudsucker Proxy - C+ - This movie revolves entirely around two odd plot conventions, the God from the Machine and the Magic Negro. Conveniently enough, they actually combine both of these conventions into one character (the clock master, blech) saving the audience the time of having to forget two separate people. Now don't get me wrong, the movie is funny. Tim Robbins, pre-Sarandon stick up his ass, is quite funny as the imbecile and Paul Newman does devious board member better than anyone. Many of the bit players are recognizable Coen brothers favorites and do good work. Three scenes just ruin it though. First, about 45 minutes in, the female lead essentially stops the movie and recaps the entire plot up to that point for the crowd. She might as well have been writing the script. Second, the God in the Negro character appears and explains to the audience how he controls the clock and everything the clock controls. The scene serves no purpose other than to green light problem scene 3 where Tim Robbins falls off the roof and is the suspended in mid-air just a few feet from the ground because the Negro God in the Magic Clocktower put a mop handle in the gears. I swear the Magic Negro is always a caddie or a janitor. Maybe the NAACP can look into that. Anyway, Robbins was saved only so that scene 3 could continue with the appearance of an angel who explains the entire plot of the movie up until that point, then reveals a letter that renders the entire film up until that point completely pointless. 10 more minutes of a sappy ending and voila! Done.



9. Barton Fink - B- - I found myself oddly entertained by this movie which is surprising considering it didn't have a discernible point. Struggling screen writer clashes heads with studio execs, producers and satanish mass murders? Interesting? Yes. Entertaining? Yes. Meaningful? Nope. It's possible that the whole movie was a critique of the movie making process (an accurate one no doubt) but even if that's the case it's still unfulfilled. I don't care about the struggles of screen writers, I don't care how the sausage is made I just want the sandwich, understand? That John Goodman is a damn fine actor though.



10. Miller's Crossing - A - This movie is awesome. It always amazes when someone makes a Road to Perdition (solid movie) or Gangs of New York (P.O.S.) and all the movie reviewers talk about it being the pinnacle if Irish gangster movies As an Irish guy I can confidently say "We already have one!!" Not only is it a good Irish mob movie, it manages to include Jewish underworld figures as well, although the anti-Defamation league can't be happy about all the use of the slur sheeny. While there are a number of good performances, the best belongs to Gabriel Byrne. Anybody who has been poisoned off Byrne by the god awful "In Treatment" or "Madigan Men" should be forced to watch this movie Clockwork Orange style.



11. Raising Arizona - D+ - Clearly I missed the boat on this one. People talk about this movie like it's some kind of timeless comedic classic but I ask anyone who watches it for the first time today, where's the laughs? The big problem is that it was made in the culturally defrauded 80's, 1987 to be exact. Hard to believe it was made when Reagan still had some good time left in his second term. I'm sure in an era where Moonstruck, Ironweed and Throw Momma From the Train were all gathering Oscar nods (seriously, Anne Ramsey nominated for Throw Momma), Raising Arizona might have seemed edgy and hysterical. Much like the Cold War though, that time is gone and were all better off for it. The ungodly accents also rear their ugly heads, luckily to be counterbalanced by a better than you think Nic Cage, with his original hair.



12. Blood Simple - A - This is a great movie that somehow survived being made in the 80's. I had never heard of it until Netflix recommended it to me but it's easily one of the darkest and least appreciated pics in the set. One of the great things about it is how quite the movie is One of my frequent complaints is that the characters spend too much time yammering away to properly set the mood. Not so here, the silence sets the mood and the movie paces along quite nicely. I was never bored and never checked my watch. Good signs.



13. No Country for Old Men - A+ - After repeat viewings, this movie deserved to win the Oscar for best picture. It's just really good. Surprisingly, it is actually better than the book it was based on. Cormac McCarthy's book is almost exactly the same but it reads a little dry while the movie is compelling the whole way through. All you people complaining about not seeing Brolin's death or the whereabouts of the money, get over and use your mind a little.



14. Burn After Reading - B - I just don't understand the hate this movie gets (Ragu). Since when did a trainer blackmailing a CIA agent for a new rack while dating a Treasury officer whose building a manic looking sex chair while screwing the CIA agent's wife on the side get to low brow for America? I didn't realize the movie going public was turning up their collective nose for anything less than The Crying Game or The Pianist. You elitests sicken me. You go watch Eat Pray Love and pretend it's meaningful and I'll go laugh my ass off at George Clooney's highly affordable relaxation device.



***BONUS REVIEW***
A Serious Man - D- - This movie is many things; a examination of Jewish culture and religious tradition, a retelling of the Book of Job, a metaphysical journey into life and karma. One thing it most certainly is not though is funny. I've seen it described as a dark comedy but there is no comedy, it's all black. I realize that the marketing campaign isn't the fault of the filmmakers but this things is comically misrepresented. I felt like choking myself to death with a yarmulke when it was over. I understand making a movie as way of furthering an idea or concept put forth in other media but at the end of the film I should think that I would somehow have greater insight into the meaning of Job instead of feeling a bit like Job himself and hoping that the mighty wind would knock down the theater instead of poor Larry Gopnik house.

Testicular Gulag

During a recent vacation, I came to the realization that the biggest enemy to my groin isn't my kids accuracy throwing baseballs or a swelling prostate but rather the animals at Old Navy and Levi.

First the Old Navy. Apparently at some point I bought some swim gear from there, promptly threw it in a drawer and never thought about it again. Fast forward to me in beautiful Chatfield State Park wondering why exactly this particular suit had two drawstrings on the same side of the suit and roughly 7 inches of Velcro where the fly would go. The drawstrings I got, they looped thru two rings on the other side. Stupid, yes. Evil, no. But the Velcro? Who really thought a piece of clothing meant to be worn over a mans pubic region, without boxers/underwear, should include Velcro? Unless the whole manscaping phenomenon has reached ridiculous levels and all men are now shaved like Brazilian trannys, I'm gonna go ahead and say Velcro plus hair equals intentionally mean spirited. Bomb squad technicians would have been impressed with the level of care I used securing that particular garment.

You might think that is the dumbest thing a clothing line could do to clothes in that area of the body. I sure did.

Until I was duped by some Nazi seamstress into purchasing a pair of button fly jeans.

Are you kidding me? How devious a plot is this! It seems safer than a zipper, having removed those unforgiving metal teeth, and once the pants are on they look just the same. So what's the problem? Functionality. Clearly the savage who patterned these was a man hating psycho or was just a guy who had never drunk anything in his life. Really, it can sometimes take a couple of beats to undue just one of those buttons. Try drinking a six pack, having your fine motor skills slightly impaired, then rush to the restroom to relieve yourself. No superior speed of the zipper, you now have 6 (6!) of these stupid eyelets to maneuver. Any good drunk will tell you, that kind of time may simply be torturous, if it's available at all.

Maybe these fashion styles work well on the waxed, anorexic models these jean companies use. Unfortunately, once most guys hit 30, the middle goes soft, gets a little wider and the shaving becomes nil. I'm not saying that to be ensnared in these traps is the same as being waterboarded, I'm saying it's worse. Terrorists at Guantanamo Bay didn't have to pay for the privilege to be waterboarded, I myself am out probably $70 for the honor of worrying nonstop about the condition of my junk.

I'm just gonna get one of those Muslim robes and call it a day.

Enough

Well, I saw another one of those idiotic Miller Lite commercials and I finally snapped and have vowed to never drink another Miller Lite.

In case you've been lucky and missed these abominations, all the commercials follow a basic pattern. Schlub orders light beer from attractive bar-whore, bar-whore asks "Do you care how it tastes?", schlub goes "Nope!", bar-whore makes some snide comment meant to strip said douche of his masculinity and dignity. There's a guy with a tramp stamp, a guy with a purse and a guy wearing panties that do in fact, get in a bunch.

The first problem is the attempt to hide the trickery. Miller Lite is trying to get you to buy their more expensive, yet no better tasting lite beer by challenging your manhood. Like Miller Lite is so great you should skip the Coors Light on tap pitcher special. It's essentially the same plan Grey Poupon had in the eighties until someone realized that it was mustard and not precious jewels mined in the heart of Africa. Haven't seen one of those ads in years. Bottom line, if Miller is cheaper than buy it. If not, buy something else. The objective is getting drunk, not to show the boys at Hooters how sophisticated your pallet is.

Second problem is the entire dialogue. Clearly this was written by some gay PR guy who has never bought a beer in his life. Nobody orders a light beer. No waitress asks if you care how it tastes. Here's how that conversation works in real life, using the Miller Lite premise.

CUSTOMER: Let me get a light beer.
WAITRESS: Do you care how it tastes?
CUSTOMER: Do you care about tips?
WAITRESS: Uh, yeah.
CUSTOMER: Then shut the F*@k up and get me a beer before the game comes back.

Scene!

These commercials dishonor the time tested patron/waiter relationship. Patron buys something, server pretends to be interested in the customer, flirts a bit, customer pretends he doesn't know she is working him for tips and at the end of the day the waitress gets an obscene tip from a drunken football fan who can proudly proclaim on the way home that he was "this close!" to scoring. The good people in the Miller PR department would now have us believe that the person who is completely dependant on the customer liking them for their income is suddenly going to ridicule the hand that feeds them. Yeah right.

This leaves the American drinker at somewhat of a disadvantage though. Miller is boycotted because of these ads. I had to boycott Coors after they thought so little of my ability to sense temperature that they decided I needed a color changing can to help me. Then they cut out part of the box so I could see it easier. Thanks guys, I'm not a leper. I can still feel changes in temperature. Thanks anyway. Budweiser made the ultimate error by selling out America's beer to a bunch of Belgians. What to drink without supporting these atrocities?

If you want to stay American, pretty much all you have is the vast array of beer and malt liquor produced by the Pabst Brewing Company, the good people at Sam Adams and microbrews. That should be enough but if it's not, the good ol US of A makes a damn fine bourbon that doesn't think I'm a moron.

Sober anyway.

Coen Brothers 14 DVD Box Set Review - Parts 1-7

I was recently trolling around Ebay and came across a very nice 14 DVD collection of Coen Brothers movies being sold by a fellow movie enthusiast (bootlegger) from Hong Kong. They seemed to be of high quality so I immediately grabbed the set and decided to review all 14 as I watch them. I'll repost when I add new reviews.

Consider yourselves warned for spoilers

1. The Ladykillers (2004) - C+ - This movie actually wasn't as bad as I remembered it and it was light years ahead of the 1955 version. Marlon Wayans actually checks in with a decent performance as one of Tom Hanks' merry band of casino robbers. Good soundtrack, if you like church music, and amusing moments, if not actual laugh out loud moments. The ending is extremely odd though. The whole movie is a slow paced "old fashioned slow burn" kind of comedy, then it seems the directors realized the movie was dragging and decided to wrap everything up in about 15 minutes. Maybe in the third remake we can hash out those character endings a little more, yes?

WHY DO WE NEED . . . . . ?

1) Irritable Bowel Syndrome. How does Pancake having this disease advance any plot line? Does it matter that he met Mountain Girl at an IBS retreat? Nope. Does the condition ever really cause a problem? Nope. All we get is a lengthy conversation about being incontinent. Awesome.
2) Tom Hanks' affectations. Seriously, Hanks' Professor G.H. Dorr seems like the horrible lovechild of Ashley Wilkes, Truman Capote and Foghorn Leghorn. It was like watching John Edwards rob a casino while suffering from Asperger's Syndrome while having a stroke. Bad to the point of distracting. Not a bad afternoon watch though, all things considered.



2. Intolerable Cruelty (2003) - D - Well, only two movies and and we've hit a significant speed bump. I can only assume, because I'm too lazy to check, that this movie was made during the height of Sex and the City hysteria. It really seems like a 2 hour episode only with decent acting. At the end of the day though, well made crap is still crap. I could have lived with the sappy sentimentalism but the movie simply had no cohesive narrative. There was the jaded lawyer transforms plot, goldigger wife learns the value of love plot and the slapstick hitman/private eye/sex crazed train enthusiast plot all mashed together with an odd soap opera trick plot and absurd assistant plot. Too much friend.

DID WE REALLY NEED? - Any of it? All those long winded speeches?

WHAT WE NEED MORE OF - Billy Bob Thornton, Wheezy Joe, Cedric the Entertainer.




3. Bad Santa (2003) - A - This movie is awesome. A few years ago the wife and I were collaborating around the holidays and came to the mutual agreement that this was the Christmas movie that would be viewed on a yearly basis in our house. Move over Christmas Story and The Santa Clause. Billy Bob Thornton steals the show, drinking, beating up kids, defiling dressing rooms. Add major roles by the now dead John Ritter and Bernie Mac and it's a near perfect Christmas movie so long as your not looking for It's a Wonderful Life style uplifting messages about life and humanity. Although love does conquer all, in a deviant sort of way.

DO WE REALLY NEED? - All that anal sex. I don't care how consensual it is, it's still rape. Or at the very least assault.

WHAT WE NEED MORE OF - Christmas pickles.

NOTABLE QUOTABLES - "Are you fuckin with me?!"



4. The Man Who Wasn't There (2001) - B+ - I really enjoy this slow paced pseudo-noir. Ironically enough, the first time I saw through Netflix, I saw the black and white version released in the US. Because this box set is from China though, the version I saw today was the color version that was thrown in a box set that sold in France and Korea. See the black and white. The movie was clearly designed to be transferred to B&W, so all the sets, cloths, etc. really lack any color or pop. If you get the box set, just look for a cheap American copy on eBay to replace it, then give the Korean version to a film fan relative. The movie itself is a quirky tale of murder and adultery starring the always solid BB Thornton. The movie does suffer from plot vomit. There are about 5 movies going on here, luckily, they are all interesting. One question that kept coming up in my mind was why The Barber would have done what he did considering his wife was being a total bitch. After she got set up for the chair, I would've washed my hands of the whole affair. The movie would have only been 45 minutes but it would have made more sense.

DID WE REALLY NEED? - Alien abduction theory. All that brother in law.

WE NEED MORE OF - James Gandolfini, calling gays "pansy", wops.



5. O Brother Where Art Thou? (2000) - B - I think a persons decision about whether or not they like this movie hinges on your taste in music. If you like, or can tolerate, bluegrass, folksy music then you've got a fighting chance. If you hate that kind of music then don't even bother, it permeates just about every scene. Aside from that caveat, it's also a really good movie and a fairly faithful adaptation of Homer's the Odyssey. I gotta say though, the performance that could be abandoned altogether is the wife. Very, very schrewy.

GOD'S FAVORITE ACTOR - George Clooney. In addition to all the things he's got going for him, the man has absolutely tremendous hair. He rivals Tom Brady in the "most ridiculous amount of natural gifts" department.

NOTABLE QUOTABLES - "Damn, we're in a tight spot!" "The color guard is colored!" "Thank God your mammy died in childbirth. If she'd seen you, she'd died of shame."

EXCUSE ME? - How exactly did all four of the fellas get their hands untied from behind their backs before they drowned? Was being in the Klan really enough to lose you an election in Mississippi in that time?

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP! - Baby Face Nelson was three years room temperature before miraculously being raised from the ground by the Almighty Hand of Providence to kill cows and scream manically in this movie.




6. The Big Lebowski (1998) - A - Including this time, I've probably seen this movie 25 times now. It never gets old. I did notice some things that brought it down from an A+ First of all, Julianne Moore and her gimp associate Knox Harrington. They are eccentric and annoying for no discernible reason. In fact, I'm not sure why they exist at all. And I have more questions than the movie answers. What are the details between Tara Reid and her porn producer Jackie Treehorn? Why did she owe him money? Did the old Jeff Lebowski get the idea to marry her from porn? Doesn't seem right. Why does the Dude's front door swing out, instead of in? Why isn't there an In n Out burger in Colorado Springs? Did the nihilists not let Bunny in on their kidnapping plot? They were in a porn together, seems like they could've gotten together on that one. What happened to the money? Did the old man get it? Why couldn't we see the toe extraction scene?

MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION: Where can I can buy a Pendleton sweater, cowichan style, like the Dude wears? That thing looks seriously comfortable. Makes me wanna take a nap.

WHAT I NEED MORE OF: White russians, Vietnam, Logjammin, Jesus Quintero, Malibu sheriffs, CCR, actual bowling, spur of the moment prostitution, Brandt.

WHAT I NEED LESS OF: Bad accents, creepy landlords, ear ripping scenes.




7. Fargo (1996) - B- - You know, I've been to Montana in my days. They have people there. Lots of them, full of folksy charm. Covered in snow, wide open spaces, a bit of the old west come to life if you will. Perhaps a few of them could've been killed in this movie. Then I wouldn't have to drop this movie almost 2 whole grades due to THOSE RIDICULOUS ACCENTS!!! I swear the Coen Brothers are trying to drive me nuts with these friggin accents. They serve no purpose other than to bother me. The Dakota's are the worst, not quite Strange Brew, Not quite That 70's Show. I was hoping Steve Buscemi would just kill everybody and be done with it. So damn frustrating. Almost ruined a good movie.On the plus, they did distract the viewer from the absolute incompetent plot hatched by the dim-witted husband. Now, my wife has never nominated me for Husband of the Year but I would never pay strangers to kidnap her for the ransom. Why? First of all, I'm pretty sure I agreed not to do that in the vows, secondly, they strangers I would hire would probably crash her skull in with an axe. Law of probability.

WHAT I NEED MORE OF: Woodchippers, angry Native Americans.

WHAT I NEED LESS OF: Talking, naked Steve Buscemi, judgmental Brainard prostitutes.




This completes the first half of the 14 Disc Movie Review. I'll put the other 7 in a new post to spare the reader some scrolling.

Where's Don Draper When You Need Him?

It's always sad when a decent piece of art is ruined by incompetent businessmen. Sadly, this has been happening recently regarding the Scorcese pic Shutter Island. (spoiler warning)

I had forgotten about this movie until it showed up in my Netflix queue. Strangely enough, I hadn't heard much about the film since its release, other than that it was pretty good. Scorcese and Dicaprio, so I assumed that was true. And it was, for the most part. The best thing about it was that I knew the plot framework but not the actual details or plot twists. It was unspoiled.

Then came the DVD ad campaign that was inescapable.

The twist ending!
Twist ending!
Twist ending!
You won't believe it!
Who's patient 67?!
Mind blowing!
Did we mention the twist ending?!

I guess they want me to know that the ending is truly mind blowing. I blame M. Night for this. The Sixth Sense was so good and caught everybody by surprise that now all the retarded PR/Marketing people are trying to force that magic down your throat again.

Unfortunately, armed with the knowledge that was in the trailer a person could figure out that "big plot twist" about 15 minutes into the 2 hour movie. I did anyway.

The problem with being told how the end is a compete 180 from the rest of the movie is that while you watch the first 60% of the movie, you know it's bullshit because the trailer told you so. In this case, DiCaprio is a cop trying to solve a case. But we know that can't actually be the case because a big twist is coming so what can it be? There are only about 4 characters in the whole movie, DiCaprio is getting 75% of the screen time so obviously it revolves around him, what could be so mind blowing about a cop investigating a mental hospital. . . . . . Oh yeah, he's actually a patient. The only real suspense was why he was in there in the first place. Which was heady stuff but hardly mind blowing.

This isn't to say the movie isn't any good, it's a solid B movie. I would put it slightly above similar movies like Identity and Frailty** (but behind Sixth Sense) but only because Scorcese makes such a beautiful movie and DiCaprio, Ruffalo and Kingsley all give such good performances. Story wise it's a wash.

It's one thing if some blogger or one of you buddies ruins the twist for you but why is the movie studio trying so hard to be the first in line to ruin it for you? Wouldn't a commercial that said "The new Scorcese pic with DiCaprio, you know you want it." work just as well? Of course it would. The problem is that PR/Ad people assume that everyone not in the biz is a complete moron. They themselves are a devious combination of stupid and liar so they think they can hammer you with the blunt hammer of the obvious and you'll be too stupid to notice that they've given away the climax.

I almost made it to the end without being tainted by this lunacy but all the ads during the Celtics/Lakers games were too much to avoid. By the time I put the disc in the player, I knew it was too late. It's a shame too, the movie was pretty good and would've been better if I wasn't constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

** Frailty and Identity are both really good movies and do a far better job of hiding their big twist, which differ substantially from the one in Shutter Island. See these before Shutter Island and you'll be happy you did.

How Dare You Sir!

The Food and Agricultural Organization at the United Nations came out with its ranking of which countries eat the most meat.

1. Denmark 321 lbs. per person, per year,
2. New Zealand 313 lbs.
3. Luxembourg 312 lbs.
4. Cyprus 289 lbs.
5. United States 275 lbs.
x. France 222 lbs.
x. United Kingdom 175 lbs.

To have this released on Memorial Day, a grillin' holiday, is nothing short of an attack on god and country. I did my part, pork chops Sunday & sirloin Monday, everyone else needs to pick it up a notch.

Two final thoughts: 1) I would also argue that all those freeloading vegetarians be removed from the sample; and 2) Seriously Brits. I know you guys are surrounded by fish and and rain but would it kill you to find a little red meat and throw it on the cooker? Who knows, it might do you some good. That gaunt look you guys have been sporting since WW2 is about as hip as the Rolling Stones. No need to go all American-style obese but seriously, a little sun and a steak can work wonders.

Bozo Porn

After reading about how Heidi Montag is wildly happy about all her recent plastic surgery and thinks she looks better than ever, I have come to the conclusion that all these young women who are really into plastic surgery (Botox Kardashian? Really?) are suffering from acute cases of selfishness and fuzzy math.

I realize that the selfishness could be unintentional. I assume when a Heidi walks into her house for the first time post-surgery all the mirrors automatically explode. As of this posting, however, my eyes have not. I'm glad you think you look great but I think all you've managed to do is make yourself look like something Anthony Michael Hall would have made on his computer in 1985. Stop smiling Heidi, I'm not talking about the Kelly LeBrock final product, I'm talking about the clown breasted simulation they thought about making before deciding she should be able to walk.

Why do perfectly good young women act this way? Besides a certain selfishness, they are just bad at math. They look at themselves in the mirror (pre-explosion) and come to the conclusion that if guys like D's they will really like DDD's! They even have a formula for it:

(cup size x 2) cubed

sqr. root of her IQ = F***in' Awesome!

Knock it off ladies. The Almighty Hand of Providence has solved this problem for you. Guys like girls they way they develop naturally, it's just human nature. Stop trying to impersonate a woman and just start being one. I'm tired of having to explain to my daughters why the crazy clown lady looks faker than Mickey Rourke's face every time I'm trying to watch The Soup.

The Week That Was and Will Be

Balloon Boy
Having endured the turmoil of experiencing a 50 mile, homemade space ship flight that was sold as a life or death matter for the alleged six year old pilot, we now know that it was probably a hoax or maybe just really bad parenting. I've go news for you nutjobs, Being on Wife Swap - strike 1, family storm chasing - strike 2, fake emotional roller coaster - strike 3. This now qualifies for child abuse. That entire family deserves to be tied up, drug out back and beaten with a large sack of oranges, let that be your last TV appearance, jackasses.

Boozy and Floozy
Just drink this artistic jewel in.



The best part of this picture, aside from the haggard looking, clearly broken and depraved Snow White, is what it's for. Any guesses?
...
Yep, it's an add to sell beer. In Australia of course. Apparently it was an attempt to sell some raspberry ale as "anything but sweet." Works for me but do you really need to advertise booze in Australia? That's like advertising light bulbs.

The ad campaign has been suspended because "there may be some copyright issues." Yeah, maybe.
Full Story

Future News
In an attempt to generate some action, Vegas changes the line for Sunday's Oakland/Philly game to Raiders +30. The public skepticism was proved correct as the Eagles easily cover, 58-2.

More Future News
Game one of the ALCS, which started Friday night, finally comes to an anticlimactic end Sunday afternoon as the Yankees pulled out the win. 25-24. Having depleted all available players to actually play the game, Angels owner Arte Moreno challenged the meanest looking Yankee fan to winner take all game of Roshambo to end it. After 3 or 4 spirited rounds, Moreno fell to the earth defeated while the herculean, bear of a Yankee fan was carried of by a loaded David Wells.

A stunned Vladamir Guerrero was heard to remark, to no one in particular, with a tone of both admiration and disappointment "That guy has brass balls man. Brass. Freakin. Balls."

A curiously restrained Alex Rodriguez was reported to have muttered "that was Goldie Hawn." Kurt Russell could not be reached for comment.

Game two of the ALCS is scheduled to be played Tuesday through Thursday, first pitch scheduled for 6:15 EST.

My Daily Reminder - *Unpleasant Photos*

Somehow, I've managed to carve out a life that includes many a long trip up and down the dusty stretch of Interstate 25 connecting Pueblo and Colorado Springs. The trip south is as delightful as ever but my northern journey home has been compromised.

About 16 miles into my trip, right about when I start my less than safe habit of eating lunch on the highway, I am accosted with the following message:

"You probably never thought about tearing off your own skin, meth will change all of that.", or something close to that.

Awesome!

What could be better? Oh yes, the picture that goes with the message. It appears to be a tub drain, maybe a sink. Either way the drain is surrounded by huge bloody chunks of what I assume is skin and a blood covered razor blade.

Nice! How is that ham sandwich and pomegranate Arizona tea going down? Not great but thanks for asking.

Aside from ruining my lunch, this annoys me on several fronts.

First, how is this not an obscenity? God forbid Coors, Jim Beam, Marlboro or Playboy have a billboard showing a little boozing, smoking or something sexually suggestive. Hell no! Then the morality police start screaming about the children and the degradation of society. Mothers fainting in the streets all over the place, fathers crying about the future with little to no dignity on display. Gimmie a break.

I have daughters and I can easily explain the sight of alcohol, smokes and scantily clad human beings. No problem. How much fun do you think it is explaining away a tub full of blood filled with razor blades? Thanks for keeping Joe Camel away though, that saved me a whole two minutes of easy parenting you hypocritical, condescending jackasses. Why don't you get back to banning dodgeball and not keeping score at baseball games.

Secondly, how is that War on Drugs going? Not good if this is what we're getting down to.

The most infuriating part of this is that I would bet every red nickle I have that we are still spending twenty times more money trying to stop marijuana use than meth. I'm sure this billboard took up no less than than 20% of the Stop Meth budget.

Rather than just being critical, I do have a couple of suggestions. First, how about a little prioritizing? Spend all your money on meth, then when you get that under control move on to heroin, the coke, then crack, then pot, red bull, aspirin, whippets, whatever. Secondly, if you are determined to use this billboard, why not put it in the city where, you know, human beings actually are? This particular billboard is right smack in the middle of nowhere between the other billboards for the local CBS affiliate and The North Pole featuring Santa's Workshop (a local amusement park for those of you non-locals). I'm sure those two groups love the connection.

Look, I hate meth and its user as much as anybody. It/they are more destructive than any other set of drug users. But really, it's bad enough that I can't get a quality cold medicine without 2 forms of ID and a DNA sample because of these societal cancers but now all of us normal folk have to be subjected to this ineffective, borderline obscene billboard and pay for it with our own tax dollars? Shame the devil!

. . . . .

Good news kiddies! I found some pics of this phenomenon to share, imagine these on huge billboards and enjoy at your own peril!

(this is the one we have in Colorado. I guess they have more in Montana.)


(awesome. . . )


(better . . . )


(disco!)


If I don't post for a while it's because I'm busy planting GPS devices in both my daughters skulls. These things take time but pay for themselves in the long run.

V for . . . . Ah Crap I'm Dead!

The world is spinning of its axis, hurtling us into a terrifying unknown.

Wars, pestilence, plague, drought, Syracuse University football, Avian Flu, Swine Flu, Boogie Woogie Blues, penicillin resistant clap and dengue fever have all risen to new heights of terror in the recent months.

Why just recently we all had to deal with the news that Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol. If you think for one hot second that you can live without Americas favorite mushmouth since the original Mushmouth, well friend let me hear you say that when the show starts. That dead air won't fill itself and who do you really want to hear more of? Overrated Simon, "Love You Dog" Randy or that other broad who people don't like but she loves herself anyway? Be afraid.

And now, to add to all that, the father of Red Evil is back on the prowl.

That's right dear readers, Vladimir Lenin, father of the Soviet Union, has once again taken to this mortal realm to demand tribute and satisfy the People's Bloodlust.

The new murderous rampage is GROUND ZERO: BELARUS. This time, the Undead Lenin, deviously, took the form of a monument dedicated to himself and promptly leap from his shadowy perch to crush and unsuspecting merry maker, killing him dead in his tracks. The Undead Lenin, well satisfied, left his monstrous edifice of death and has since eluded authorities.

We should have known. Subprime mortgages, health care reform, GM nationalized and the end of Romo/Simpson all foretold a terrible future where the Red Menace could return to exploit the confusion and uncertainty of the Western World. Somebody check on the corpses of Stalin, McGovern, Marx, Mao and Carter before its too late.

Total Souls Lost to Communism as of 8/10/2009: 1,347,231,967,202.

Set the Doomsday Clock to 11:51 P.M.

(read the full report of this terrible deed at KSWO-TV.com)