NFL Preview - AFC East

If Tom Brady feathers his hair anymore he's going to look like the post op tranny version of Farah Fawcett circa 1970. That doesn't have anything to do with football, I just don't like the guy. He was annoying at the beginning of his career with all that aw schucks/Belichek robot talk, then he was tolerable during the Bridget Moynihan Era and now he's just plain insufferable.

The Pats aren't going to be that great this year either. The average O-line already has injuries blocking for the Fred Taylor, Lawrence Maroney, Ben Jarvis Green Ellis, Sammy Morris pu pu platter. Yikes. Randy Moss is in a contract year, whatever that means, Wes Welker may or may not be back from his knee obliteration and you've never heard of any of the other WR's. The same D that got crotch chopped by the Ravens in last years playoff is the same except now Ty Warren is out for the year. Can anybody explain how these Pats are any better than the team that got blown out by Baltimore? Nope.

Oh you rascally Jets. It's hard not to like a fat blowhard like Rex Ryan. His team generally looks solid but there are significant red flags. First is at QB. Lost in all the Sanchize panty dropping was the fact that he threw 20 INTs last year and if the Colts and Bengals aren't mailing it in at the end of the year, the Jets don't even make the playoffs. Shonn Greene should be fine but the Curse of LT is scary as is the prospect of relying on Braylon Edwards and Santonio Holmes at WR. The defense should be fine because I expect Revis Island to be open for business on week one but if he's not, look out. Those other DB's suck and the aggressiveness of the D only works if Revis has locked down half the field. I would expect the Jets to take the division though.

I'm not sure what to make of the Henne love in Miami. I understand that they're high on Brandon Marshall but the Fins are a running team and the bulk of the work is going to come from Brown and Williams if they can stay healthy. The real addition was Karlos Dansby on D. You take him and a couple of stout rookies on the DL and you might just have a playmaking D to go with the ball control offense. Worry about the secondary though. Thank god 2 of the 3 QB's in this Division can't throw.

Has Buffalo moved to Toronto yet?

Really? They haven't? Hmmm. Wonder why not. Maybe it's because the Leaf doesn't want any part of the worst team in the league. No QB, 2 of 3 RB's on the shelf, no WR's (Lee Evans is a glorified #2 and you know it), less than no OL, No D, No ST. This team is a decade away from contending. Bad drafts, no free agents, lack of foresight. Think Oakland right after the Super Bowl loss.

PROJECT FINISH:
NY JETS
MIAMI
NEW ENGLAND
BUFFALO.

FANTASY KRYPTONITE - Tom Brady. I've seen him go in both round 1 and 2 in recent drafts. No way he should go this high. People only remember the 50 TD year. think half that and your good to go. Take M. Turner or S. Greene in round two and target Romo in 4 or Favre (6) or Kolb (8-10).

FANTASY SLEEPER - Greg Caramillo. In a PPR league he will play Henne's Welker option. Lots of catches, not huge yards, close to Marshall in production but you can get him 8 rounds later.

NFC Preview

NFC EAST: 1) Eagles 2) Giants 3) Cowboys 4) Redskins. The Giants could win the division if they can find another reciever to shot himself in the leg.

NFC NORTH: 1) Packers 2) Vikings 3) Bears 4) Lions. Favre makes a good story but Rodgers makes cheese nation forget all about the Chief Gray Wrangler.

NFC SOUTH: 1)Saints 2) Falcons 3) Tampa Bay 4) Carolina. Saints/Falcons could go either way but we know where Delhomme is going and it aint pretty.

NFC WEST: 1) Seattle 2) Arizona 3) 49ers 4) Rams. I'm betting Leinert has to play for 3 or 4 games this year. Notice they're in second?

DIVISION WINNERS: Eagles, Pack, Saints, Hawks
WILD CARDS: Vikings, Cardinals
NFC CHAMPION: Philadelphia Eagles

SUPER BOWL: Philadelphia Eagles 35 New England Patriots 28.

AFC Preview

Well, I guess all 32 teams don't get a preview this year. I'll start on net years preview right after the pro bowl.

AFC EAST: 1) Patriots 2) Jets 3) Dolphins 4) Bills. If Brady stays healthy there is no way they don't win the division. Jets get a one year boost from the Gray Grizzled Warrior leaving the team. The Bills just suck.

AFC NORTH: 1) Baltimore 2) Steelers 3) Bengals 4) Browns. I'm betting Pitt just can't go through the season unscathed. Big Bens fake date rape accusation was a sign of bad karma. The Browns are one big hot mess.

AFC SOUTH: 1) Colts 2) Texans 3) Titans 4) Jaguars. All four of these teams could win the AFC WEST. Colts win in a squeaker, Schaub stays healthy and LenDale White gets back on the Mexican Rocket Juice.

AFC WEST: 1) Chargers 2) Broncos 3) Raiders 4) Chiefs. Even if Norv Turner seriously screws up in San Diego, they still win the division. All the other three are about the same but the Chiefs are a little more dysfunctional than most.

DIVISION WINNERS: Pat, Colts, Ravens, Chargers
WILD CARDS: Steelers, Texans
AFC CHAMPION: New England Patriots.

NFL Preview: Pittsburg Steelers

QB: A If Love Tron Roethlisberger can keep his mind focused on football instead of date rape accusations, the Steelers will be fine. JUST ASKING: If Lawrence Taylor can send hookers to opponents rooms before a game, could cross town rivals QB Donovan McNabb have sent a spy with Eagles wings to seduce and entrap Big Ben in a date rape scandal? This reporter says yes! C+ 

RB: C You can try and sell me Parker, Mendenhall and Moore all day, I aint buyin. Luckily, it doesn't seem to matter who plays for the Steelers, they still look good. 

WR: B call me skeptical on Santonio too. i had him on my fantasy team last year and he killed me. Hines Ward still awesome, Limas Sweed still Limas Sweed. 

TE: C Heath Miller is fine but I doubt any team is game planning for Heath Miller. Unless it's "Make Heath Miller Beat Us." That could work. 

OL: B+ Individually, these guys should be much worse. Something about the convergence of the three mighty rivers turns them into something more than their earthly parts. 

DL: B- Good enough to free up the LB's. 

LB: A+This may be the single best unit in football. Woodley, Farrior, Timmons and Harrison. Sweet Jesus. That sound you hear is Carson Palmer trying to rupture his ACL using Jump Soles and a banana peel.

DB: B- I still say Polamalu is overrated. I guess playing with DeShea Townsend and Ike Taylor can make you look better than you are.

P/K: B Reed and Sepulveda. 70 rock band's or special teamers? ALCOA PRESENTS, YOU MAKE THE CALL!

COACHING: A Looks like Omar Epps and coached like Chuck Noll.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 13-3, FIRST in the NORTH.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 10-6 SECOND in the NORTH. No way they get behind Cincinnati or Cleveland. probably not Baltimore either.

NFL Preview: Washington Redskins

QB: C- What's worse than having Jason Campbell as your starting QB? Having him lose his job to Todd Collins. Seems like there's nothing good in DC these days.

RB: B+ Clinton Portis should get an A but he is injury prone and likes to disappear sometimes. You could say the same thing about Ledell Betts. FANTASY TIP! Portis may be injury prone but you should take him above the Stephen Jacksons of the world.

WR: C Santana Moss and Randle El are both average receivers these days and a little on the small side. Moss can still make the big play but he goes long stretches being shut down. Having a bad QB doesn't help.

TE: A Chris Cooley's decline last year was mostly the result of crappy line play that made him have to block more and QB's that can't throw the ball.

OL: C Randy Thomas is a pretty good guard, Chris Samuels is good but brittle, brittle brittle. They need him big time or a slightly below average line goes to crap.

DL: A Daniels, Haynesworth and Carter should make for a stud D line. Lets hope Haynesworth can avoid the Skin free agent curse.

LB: B I'll the first to admit that I thought Orakpo would suck. When I hear "Needs to be motivated" that's a red flag but I saw him the other night and the guys an animal. The other guys suck though, I'm sure.

DB: B+ You gotta love Rogers and Smoot but what's the deal with DeAngelo Hall? I'm convinced no team that he's on will ever make the playoffs again.

P/K: D Suisham was brutal last year, missing 10 field goals. Janikowski thinks he needs to get his act together.

COACHING: D This team underachieves. Does anybody have Mike Shannahans number?

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 4-12, LAST in the EAST. If campbell doesn't deliver and they have their typical injury woes, they suck big time.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 8-8, THIRD in the EAST. Even if those things don't happen, there's no way the pass more than one team in the division.

NFL Preview: Dallas Cowboys

QB: C+ Maybe now that J Simp is out of the picture Cowboy fans can finally realize that Romo is just a walking choke job. Maybe they can blame the ghost of Farah Fawcett instead.

RB: A Yes, yes. Barber, Jones & Choice are all good. Unfortunately they all seem to get hurt at some point and constantly dissapoint at the end of the season.

WR: C+ Am I excited for the Roy Williams era? Oh yes. Then again, I don't like the Boys too much.

TE: A Jason Witten should be fantasy gold this year. The WR's suck ass so you know Romo is going there.

OL: B The biggest shock here? The fact that Leonard Davis is still playing. I did not know that.

DL: B- Yeah, Spears is pretty good but why were they so hell bent on getting rid of Greg Ellis? Did Igor Olshansky really merit that much respect?

LB: B+ Ware and James are awesome but Keith Brooking is a husk.

DB: B- Mike Jenkins better turn out good because these guys got torched last year. One positive, they don't have Horsecoller Williams to worry about anymore.

P/K: B Folk, Briar, Blah.

COACHING: D- Wade Phillips seems like a really nice guy. Not so good with the chalkboard

STADIUM: A+ That new stadium is sick. I saw that massive plasma TV (60 yars long, 25 yards high!) and nearly had a spiritual moment. I hate the Cowboys but man do I respect Jerry Jones. The man knows class. You couldn't have a stadium that nice in Oakland. The JumboTron would be standard definition and everything would be covered in silver velet.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 11-5, FIRST in the EAST. It could happen. The East sucks and I suppose somebody has to win.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 6-10, LAST in the EAST. Then again, just because somebody has to win doesn't mean the Cowboys don't suck. They can't throw they ball.

NFL Preview: New York Giants

QB: C+ I know Eli manning won a Super Bowl but i still can't trust him. He always has that look on face like he might crap himself or just break down into a heap and start checking his biorhythms.

RB: A Brandon Jacobs is an injury prone man amongst children. Now that Derrick Ward has finally gotten the hell out of dodge, Ahmed Bradshaw is the lone handcuff. Jacobs should get 16+ TD's this year.

WR: C Good thing I decided to write this today so I could mention that Plax just got 2 years in the pokey FOR SHOOTING HIMSELF. That other shot you heard? That was Eli shooting himself after seeing nothing but Hicks, Hixon and Manningham left on the roster. Don't give me any of that Steve Smith nonsense.

TE: B This should really be an A given that they are still reaping the benefits of trading serial jackass Jeremy Shockey. It helps that Kevin Boss is actually pretty good. FANTASY TIP! Expect Boss to get a lot of balls his way. Did you read the part about the WR's? Yeah.

OL: B It's weird, it seems like these guys suck but Jacobs isn't blocking for himself all the time. They need to give Eli about 9 seconds every time he drops back though.

DL: A All that matters is Umenyiora is back to raise hell. I just heard Brian Westbrooks knee explode.

LB: C Lets see, Raider castoff Danny Clark, Ageless Antonio Pierce and Michael Boley. Did I mention Umenyiora is back?

DB: B These guys are good because the DL is constantly date raping the QB.

P/K: B Tynes & Feagles are fine.

COACHING: B+ Coughlin seems like a miserable prick but the team does seem to play well. I suspect relying on a bunch of no name WR's and the second best Manning will be too much for him to handle though.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 10-6, SECOND in the EAST. They aren't very good. Luckily, nobody in the EAST is either.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 6-10, LAST in the EAST.

NFL Preview: Philadelphia Eagles

QB: B+ The fair citizens of Philadelphia will look back and wish they appreciated the McNabb era more when he's gone. Maybe he isn't so great in the big games but last time I checked, the Eagles didn't have any big games before he got there. Maybe Vick can run a few plays and keep McNabb fresh and uninjured for the whole year.

RB: C+ I think Brian Westbrook is out of the discussion as a top tier NFL RB. He's more of a Charlie Garner playing it out with the Raiders than a true No. 1. I'm not sold on LeSean McCoy. All those Pitt teams were underachievers so I paint him with that same stinky brush.

WR: B DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, Kevin Curtis and . . . . Hank Baskett. Why Baskett? Because he married "tv star" and "model" Kendra Wilkinson and I suspect she has the same kind of crazy in her that Anna Benson did. Look out kids! Mrs. Claus is coming to your town! Something tells me Kendra won't get booed like the real Santa is she pulls the same stunt Mrs. Benson did.

TE: C- What is a Brent Celek? He went to Cincinnatti so I suspect not much. Probably better than L.J. Smith though.

OL: A CORRECTION! All apologies to Dante Rosario, Stacy Andrews has the most feminine name in the league. Not that I'd ever say so to his face.

DL: C+ Very, very average. Trent Cole is a good pass rusher but is always hurt and Broderick Bunkley is only slightly above average.

LB: C I'll give them the benefit of the doubt since Philly usually has a good D but I've never heard of these guys. Not even from college.

DB: B- No Brian Dawkins, no . . . . uh, problems. Asante Samuel is pretty good. Other than that? meh.

P/K: A Gotta love David Akers.

COACHING: C For all of Andy Reids success, he doesn't manage a good game and seems hell bent on pissing of Donovan McNabb, who is 90% of the reason Reid still has a job. Maybe Reid mentored Josh McDaniels.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 12-4, FIRST in the EAST. The Cowboys suck, Giants are meh and Washington sucks.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 6-10, LAST in the EAST. I know you want a joke about Mike Vick or Andy Reid's sons but you're not gonna get it. Not until the lean days around the fourth preseason game.

NFL Preview: New Orleans Saints

QB: A Cool Brees is awesome and shouldn't have any trouble again this year. The big shocker? CBS has Mark Brunnel and Joey Harrington as the backup QB's. Yikes.

RB: B- Pierre Thomas is going to get the bulk of the carries this year. While Reggie Bush has dropped about 30 pounds worth of ass this offseason, he's still injury prone and can't run between the tackles. FANTASY TIP! Draft Pierre higher in all leagues but bump up Bush in all PPR leagues.

WR: A Marcus Colston, Lance Moore and Devry Henderson are as good as it gets but injuries, injuries, injuries. A few more days in the weight room and a few less nights on Bourbon Street eh boys?

TE: C- If you think Jeremy Shockey is going to be anything more than Fantasy kryptonite, you're nuts. Billy Miller is adequate blocking and catching but nothing special.

OL: B- Jammal Brown and Jon Stinchcomb are good on the outside, interior is average. They need to play well though because Brees is just a wee QB.

DL: B Seems like there is talent but they don't produce like they should. Grant is hurt now, Ellis is always hurt, Clancy = underachiever, Smith = meh.

LB: B Fujita and Vilma are both good enough. I don't know anything about Scott Shanle.

DB: D Uh-oh, trouble. Randall Gay, meh. Darren Sharper, really old. Roman Harper and Tracy Porter, who?

P/K: C They just had to sign ageless John Carney because Garrett Hartley is a juicer. I don't know Glenn Pakulak, which is good and is last name is Pakulak, which is also good.

COACHING: B Sean Payton runs a good game but shouldn't this team be winning more?

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 13-3, FIRST in the SOUTH. SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 7-9, THIRD in the SOUTH. Reggie Bush starts dating Bruce Jenner.

NFL Preview: Carolina Panthers

RANT #1 Pick a State! I know you Carolinas are essentially a lesbian couple but c'mon, I hate regional monikers that either combine locations or are misrepresented. I'm looking at you New England should be Boston Patriots, New Jersey Jets/Giants and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, San Jose, Sacramento, Davis, Encino, Covina, Tiajuana.

QB: D+ Sorry Jake, the magic ends here. You got obliterated in the playoffs and it was all your fault. No bouncing back. Josh McCown should probably be starting.

RB: A Fantasy embolism DeAngelo Williams teams up with Jon Stewart to create the leagues most injury prone and disturbing tandem. FANTASY TIP! Somebody is going to overpay for both these guys. Let them, you'll be happy about it later. Williams in the 2nd sounds about right.

WR: B The Tobacco City Cobra and the Prophet are an awesome 1 - 2 but Smith is already hurt and Muhammad is getting old. At least nobody got punched yet. Scary lack of depth.

TE: C Jeff King and Donte Rosario are both average. I suppose Rosario has a bit more to offer than King. FUN FACT! Rosario may be the most feminine name in the league.

OL: B Jordan Gross, good, Jeff Otah, good, everyone else, meh.

RANT AMENDMENT! The exception to the regional name rant is the Golden State Warriors. Awesome name.

DL: C Until I see Julius Peppers play like somebody who isn't trying to get traded or a new contract, then I'll upgrade the unit.

LB: B Diggs and Beason are both above average and also should have a inner city cop show together. Thomas Davis is already hurt, so that isn't good.

DB: B+ I like Gamble and Marshall because they can both tackle. Takes pressure off the safties who aren't as good.

P/K: B John Kasay keeps rolling along. Do I know the punter? No. Is that good? Yes.

COACHING: B I like John Fox and he coaches a good game but if he gets burned by the Cajun Rash, he has nobody to blame but himself. You're on notice.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 7-9, 3rd in the SOUTH. I'm really down on Delhomme.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 4-12, 4th in the SOUTH. If Williams tanks and Smith isn't 100% this team sucks out loud. They might anyway.

NFL Preview: Atlanta Falcons

QB: B Matt Ryan sure did make people forget about Ron Mexico's side business quickly enough. He just can't play that well again but he should still be above average. Backup Chris Redmen is pretty good do.

RB: A Michael Turner made San Diego look foolish and some fantasy owners look brilliant. Had a lot of carries last year but hardly any in the previous years so it should be a wash. FANTASY TIP! Turner can't catch anything so if you're in a PPR league, look elsewhere.

WR: B+ Michael Jenkins and Roddy White finally are playing to their potential. I guess it helps to have a QB that can throw. Harry Douglas is out for the year though so depth is lacking.

TE: B+ I'd give it an A but I really can't stand Tony Gonzalez. Thank God he left KC, now my beloved Raiders can get burned by someone else.

OL: C- These guys are sketchy. They must be good zone blockers but they need to keep Ryan conscious to be successful.

DL: B Jamal Anderson and John Abraham should be able to get pressure on the outside but the DT's are a little weak.

LB: C Whoa, who are these guys? Mike Peterson is probably the best but he's getting a little long in the tooth.

DB: C It could be worse, they could still have DeAngelo Hall.

P/K: B Good to see another Raider killer like Jason Elam somewhere besides Denver.

COACHING: A Last year could've been a nightmare after the whole Vick thing and the Bobby Petrino escapade but things turned out fine.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 12-4, FIRST in the SOUTH. Weak division.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 6-10, LAST in the SOUTH. Turner proves to be a one year wonder, Roddy White turns into OchoCinco and Matt Ryan starts up a cockfighting ring.

NFL Preview: Arizona Cardinals

QB: B+ Red Cross Lifetime Participant Award winner Kurt Warner returns for another season of concussion defying antics. If he plays all year they could return to the Super Bowl but a banana has a better chance of going 17 weeks with out a bruise. Matt Lienert sure is handsome with that clipboard.

RB: C- First round pick Beanie Wells was injury and fumble prone and sucked in college but I'm sure he'll be fine in the pros. Hightower proved last year that he can't hold the job. FANTASY ALERT: Hightower is a classic goal line vulture. It's about all he does really well.

WR: A+ Fitzgerald, Boldin, Breaston and Doucet are the best top four in the league, hands down. FANTASY TIP: In a 12 team league, Fitzgerald as a first rounder isn't crazy if you pick near the end and can pick up an RB at the top of round 2.

TE: C Anthony Becht makes me feel nothing inside. Doesn't matter anyway, why would you throw him the ball with all the other weapons. The caveat to this is if Leinert plays. He doesn't have the arm to go downfield so Becht could get some work then.

OL: C Meh. Glass Warner meet Mike Gandy, he'll be watching your blind side. Keep the paramedics on speed dial.

DL: C- Darnell Docket and Bertrand Berry are pretty good, I guess. The whole unit doesn't get much pressure on the QB.

LB: B- Karlos Dansby is the playmaker but even he doesn't put up great numbers. FUN FACT! Quickly reading the depth chart, I thought Chike Okeafor was actually named Chick Okeafor. Might not make a difference.

DB: B+ McFadden, Rolle, Wilson and Rodgers-Cromartie give up lots of big plays but they make big plays too. At least they have some size. Seems like every team has 2 guys shorter than me in the defensive backfield.

P/K: A Gotta love Neil Rackers. No idea who the punter is, so that's good.

COACHING: A Ken Whisenhunt. Can't complain with a trip to the big game under your belt. Losing the coordinators shouldn't hurt.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 13-3, FIRST in the WEST. This division sucks.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: A stiff Arizona breeze gives Warner a concussion forcing Leinert to stop plowing thru starlets and actually play. ALCOA PRESENTS, YOU MAKE THE CALL! Leinert has a special groupie he refers to as "The Clipboard". True or Flase? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

RANDOM FACT OF INTEREST Mad Men star John Hamm is an actual, lifelong Cardinals fan. All of you bandwagon jumpers, the line starts behind Mr. Draper.

NFL Preview: Seattle Seahawks

QB: B- I'm going to go ahead and pour myself a nice big tall glass of the Matt Hasselbeck Kool-Aid. I'm sure he can stay healthy for a whole year and produce now that he has all his weapons back. Ahhhh, that tastes good.

RB: C Julius Jones and T.J. Duckett. In the worse-than-crap NFC West this is probably good enough to get the job done but I wouldn't expect many big plays.

WR: A Branch, Burleson and Houshmandzadeh and well above average. The only issue is health. Branch hasn't played a game since 1986 and Burleson seems to be becoming more brittle by the year. If, IF, they stay healthy, big fantasy numbers abound.

TE: B John Carlson is a fine TE and should be productive again. Not a TOP 3 fantasy TE but Top 10 for sure.

OL: C+ Walter Jones is a blue chipper but everywhere else is average. This is the most important unit on the team given the frailty of the QB.

DL: C Meh. Patrick Kearney is the big-play sack man, I guess but the rest of the line is a bunch of no names.

LB: B This could be a big time nuit. Lofa Totupu is solid in the middle and Aaron Curry will be trying to justify such a high draft pick. Leroy Hill or D.D. Lewis should be good enough on the other side.

DB: B+ Trufant and Lucas are a little above average at the corners. Seattle is a weird team in that their S's may be better than the corners. Deon Grant and Brian Russell are both pretty good considering the level of safety play in this league.

P/K: C- Oh no. I thought we were done with Olindo Mare. He was a white knuckler in Miami, how can he handle Seattle?

COACHING: B Jim Mora is a good enough coach but you've got to question the idea of resting all your hopes on the back of Matt Hasselbeck. Don't give me any of that Seneca Wallace jive either.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 11-5, FIRST in the WEST This division sucks enough for his possibly average team to win.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 6-10, THIRD in the WEST. They could be worse than both San Fran and Arizona but probably not St. Louis. Even if the Beck hurts his back.

NFL Preview: St. Louis Rams

QB: C- Crystalline signal caller Marc Bulger returns yet again to embark on a quest to play a full season. Playing for the greatest show on turf, Bulger is fine. Playing for the worst team last year not named Detroit. Too bad Kyle Boller is the backup

RB: B+ Stephen Jackson should be healthy again and could be in for a big year. Assuming the offense can do anything throwing or blocking. Hmm. FANTASY TIP: Jackson might be a second round pick but just barley.

WR: D Torry Holt left and all that remains is Donnie Avery, Ronald Curry and Keenan Burton. Ouch. Gonna be a long season.

TE: B Former Dolphins TE Randy McMichael is above average and should do fine. As a fantasy note, he will probably get all the "panic" throws, of which there will be many.

OL: B It's not a great sign when No. @ pick Jason Smith is penciled in at RT but LT Alex Barron is pretty good. Rest of the line is one big ? FAKEST NAME IN THE NFL: Ritchie Ingonito.

DL: B If Leonard Little can manage to not kill anybody, he should team up with Chris Long, Adam Carriker and Clifton Ryan to make a pretty formidable line. Sleeper for fantasy.

LB: B Hmmm. Chris Draft, James Laurinitis and Will Witherspoon. Seems ok here too. Why do these guys suck so bad?

DB: D Here we go. 4 guys I've never heard of. That explains it. I was worried for a while.

P/K: B+ Josh Brown is pretty good, especially in the Dome. Can the O get him close enough though?

COACHING: Inc. Steve Spagnuolo, new coach, who knows. Not Josh McDaniels though, so off to a good start.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 7-9, Third in the WEST. They just suck

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 2-14, Last in the WEST.

NFL Preview: San Francisco 49ers

QB: D+ I'm not buying this whole "Alex Smith is an NFL QB" movement. He's still the same guy who sucked for years before a grenade went off in his shoulder. Why the team is high on him is a mystery to me. Shaun Hill is ok in a Kyle Orton kind of way but the team doesn't really seem behind him. He has a weak arm as well which can be trouble in SanFran.

RB: B Frank Gore is above average when he can stay healthy. Even when healthy though he is prone to disappearing for big chunks of the season. I would avoid him in fantasy at all costs. If you do take him, handcuff either Robinson or Coffee for insurance.

WR: C- Josh Morgan is pretty ok and Issac Bruce still has some juice left but the big news is their jackass diva rookie. apparently Michael Crabtree is so good that he is willing to sit out all year and reenter next years draft. Yeah right. Everyday this idiot runs his yap without signing makes Al Davis not look so crazy after all.

TE: D+ C'mon, don't buy into Vernon Davis again. Your just going to get hurt.

OL: C+ Hmm. Joe Staley and Marvel Smith at tackle. Everyone else, not so good.

DL: C Whew, not much here either. Justin Smith is the nominal pass rusher but in the 3-4 the DL just needs to free up backers to make plays. I'm not sure they're up to it but they do play in the West, so anything is possible.

LB: A- Finally! Manny Lawson, Patrick Willis, Ahmed Brooks and Takeo Spikes. I'm not sure it gets better than that. See why they play the 3-4? FANTASY TIP! If you play in an IDP league, Willis is a guy you need to target.

DB: B Not bad. Clements and Bly should be pretty good at corner while Goldson and Lewis might be a little sketchy but still, you could do worse. The problem here is the lack of pressure the DL gets on the QB.

P/K: B+ Joe Nedney.

COACHING: B Assuming Mike Singletary can keep his pants on, they should be fine. He gets into my good graces for giving Davis the smack down he needed last year.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: Boy, this team sucks but they could win the WEST.......I'll say 10-6 2nd in the WEST.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: This could get really bad. I mean Lions-esque bad. Crabtree looks like nothing but trouble, the OL is below average and both QB's are injury prone and a little sucky when healthy. Frank Gore is always good for at least 4 games missed due to injury as well. One of these years he's going to miss 12+.

NFL Preview: Chicago Bears

QB: A+ Have you ever heard of getting to sleep with a hooker, keeping the money and having her tip you? Well that's essentially what happened when Chicago abused Denver in the Jay Cutler trade. Exciting and demeaning, all at the same time. The Bears better hope Cutty stays healthy though. The IRS doesn't even know who backups Hanie & Basanez are.

RB: B+ Fantasy diamond Matt Forte returns backed up by Kevin Smith and the Other Adrian Peterson. FANTASY FOCUS! If you're in a PPR league, you could justify taking Forte before both Turner and the Real Adrien Peterson. Forte had 63 receptions last year, Turner had 6.

WR: C- Is it just me or does Devin Hester remind you of a glorified Leeland McElroy? Yeah, that's right. I went there. FUN FACT! The other three of the top four Bears receivers went to San Jose State, Vanderbilt and Oklahoma. And no, the Oklahoma guy isn't Bradley. He's the other guy that wasn't as good.

TE: B Desmond Clark and Greg Olson are curiously decent. One blocks one catches. Olson seems a little brittle though. Maybe he should enlist in Corporal Winslow's reserve unit.

OL: C This unit is average across the board. Garza is probably a little above average. The real linchpin is Orlando Pace. If he plays all 16 then they're in good shape but he's so injury prone that he could literally crumble into a puddle of Mineral Ice and tears at any moment.

DL: B+ Really good line. They can bring pressure from both ends, Brown and Ogunleye as well as at one DL, Tommie Harris. LITTLE KNOWN FACT! League bylaws state that every Bears team has to have one mean looking white guy of Eastern European ancestry on the DL or the team forfeits its bye week. This year that man is Dusty Dvoracek. Good on ya Comrade.

LB: C+ I'm not impressed. Urlacher has always been overrated and he's starting to get old. he makes enough big plays to keep being respected by the clowns in the Media but not this cat, no sir. Lance Briggs is better and Pisa Tinoisamoa has a longer name, so there!

--- ASIDE! Holy Crap! Jorge Posada just hit one back into Old Yankee Stadium off Billy Traber. That one woke of the ghosts of legends who aren't even dead yet. ---

DB: C Hmmmmmm. Do I feel safe with IR Charles Tillman and Torch Vasher manning the corners? No I do not. Do I feel safe with Kenny Payne or Steltz(?) manning the safties? No, I do not.

P/K: B+ Robbie Gould sounds like a low level mobster or a high level futures trader. The grade goes up!

COACHING: B I would criticize Lovie for not having an inventive playbook but he coaches in a nasty cold city and has always had crappy QB's. This year will be a measuring stick. In a related note, the success of Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy has just about removed the stigma that the Art Shell Era saddled all black coaches with. Tell the Twin Reverends Jesse and Al to call off the vigil.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 12-4, First in the North. This assumes Jay Cutler makes chicken salad out of his WR's and Forte duplicates last year.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 7-9, Third in the North. This team is boring. They probably can't tank completely but they may not be great either if Cutty doesn't play great. If he gets hurt though, all bets are off.

THINGS THAT MUST HAPPEN Sebastian Janikowski must play at least three years in Chicago. A fat, bald, Polish guy with addiction issues? It's a must.

NFL Preview: Detroit Lions

QB: C- Oh boy, what a mess. This grade is only this high because you've gotta figure Stafford has some talent. He wasn't deserving the number one pick though, I remember being very underwhelmed watching him in college. Outside of Stafford though they only have the Ghost of Daunte Culpepper and the immortal Drew Stanton. They're going to suck anyway, might as well get the Staph a little gametime.

RB: B Kevin Smith is actually a pretty good back, runs well, catches well. He's probably going to get 700 carries this years since his back ups are Maurice Morris and Avion Cason. FANTASY IMPACT! There are only 2 Lions worth drafting and Smith is one of them. Don't panic and take him the first round though.

WR: B+ Megatron Calvin Johnson is a machine who would be dominant if the QB didn't suck. He's alot like Andre Johnson in the lean days with the Texans. Bryant Johnson, Dennis Northcutt and rookie Derrick Williams are average at best.

TE: D Rookie TE Brandon Pettigrew is already hurt for crying out loud. Don't the ghosts of Rickey Dudley and Kellen Winslow scare these GM's from drafting TE's too high? Guess not.

OL: C Outside of Backus and Raiola, the group is astonishingly average. They can't be all bad, Smith did get almost a thousand yards last year.

DL: D- Washed up or no names, take your pick. Grady Jackson, Jared DeVries, Grady Jackson, Chartric Darby(?) and DeWayne White. This reminds of the scene in major league where the construction workers are reading the names of who made the team. All they could say was "Who the hell are these guys?" Indeed.

LB: A Yeah! A bright spot on D, whoooo! Julien Peterson, Larry Foote and Earnie Sims are all too good to play for Detroit. It doesn't really matter though, see DL & DB. FANTASY TIP! If you're in an IDP league, Sims has the big play potential of the group.

DB: F This unit makes me sad. Cowboy cast away Anthony Henry mans on CB while Philip Buchanon, yes that one, mans the other side. Dallas's secondary sucks and they still cut Henry. Philip is so inconsistent that Jon Gruden brought him along to Tampa so he could doghouse him for a few more years. You don't know the safties and neither do I but we both know they're terrible.

P/K: B+ Sweet Jesus, Jason Hanson has spent more time in Detroit than Dean Martin spent in purgatory. Probably feels about the same.

COACHING: Inc. Jim Schwartz could be good, could be bad but one thing we know is that he isn't Josh McDaniels. Check and Mate.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 6-10, 3rd in the North.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 0-16, Last in professional sports. I have no witty comments. Sometimes the truth stands alone.

RANDOM THOUGHT: The Lions jersey's suck ass. Just wear the throwbacks everybody loves and try and proceed with some dignity, for God's sake.

NFL Preview: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

QB: C- The only real question is when does the Josh Freeman era start? If it's this year things are going to be bad. If Byron Leftwich plays, things might be . . . . . bad. Luke McCown is stealing money hammering an NFL paycheck as a third string QB.

RB: B+ Derrick Ward could be the next Michael Turner. He'd better be. Backups Earnest Graham and Cadillac Williams are brittle. Seriously brittle. Mike Alstott's neck thinks these guys need to toughen up a little. FANTASY FOCUS: Ward could be a top five pick given that he's going to get all the carries.

WR: B-Uber chemistry poison and injury prone Antonio Bryant turned out to be fantasy gold last year when most people thought he was in a correctional facility. Mark Clayton is ok on the other side but who exactly is going to throw them the ball?

TE: B? Retired corporal Kellen Winslow has reported for duty in TB after some difficult campaigns in the Cleveland theater of battle. He is famous for having more purple hearts in less combat time than any other TE in the league. He once missed an entire war after crashing his own tank. Reservist Stevens can't catch anything when it matters.

OL: C Jeff Faine is a pretty decent center but the rest of the line is remarkably average. The real problem is the QB. If it's Leftwich, these guys need to hold their blocks for a good 65 count. If it's Freeman, who the hell knows where he'll be going? Pity this group

C+ Decent talent but not much production. Gaines Adams should be better with another year experience but Ryan Sims and Chris Hovan are overrated. Stylez White takes the early lead for jackassiest name for a below average player. The gauntlets been thrown Chauncey Stuckey.

LB: C Another average unit. Ruud can be a decent playmaker but Angelo Crowell is always hurt and Quincey Black had exactly 20 more tackles than you did last year.

DB: A- Aqib Talib, Tanard Jackson & Ronde Barber are all above average and jackson is a particularly good tackler. Something called Sabby Piscitelli plays the other safety. Yeah, I don't know who he is either.

P/K: Mryant and Bidwell are both fine but not special.

COACHING: Inc. Raheem Morris has no head coaching experience or even coordinator experience but he hasn't screwed the pooch like fellow rookie head coach Josh McDaniels, so that's good.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 2nd in the South, Wild Card.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 3rd in the South. Byron Leftwich finally breaks down for good when his leg explodes a la Joe Theismann while he's putting on his beach Crocs. If Cadillac Williams plays in all 16 games, you know something bad has happened.

NFL Preview: Green Bay Packers

QB: B+ Aaron Rodgers proved that their could in fact be life after Favre. He played fine and even handled the Green Bay weather which was some question for a California boy. Compared to some of the other drech in the league, the Pack should be ok for quite a while. Backups Flynn and Brohm were both fine in college but aren't any threat to Rodgers.

RB: C+ Well, we all thought Ryan Grant was a stud. Then he got paid and turned into a human hamstring pull. He should be ok for this year but who really knows. What we do know is that Brandon Jackson and DeShawn Wynn aren't going to cut it.

WR: A+ Jennings, Driver(still), Jones & Nelson are as good as any four in the NFL. Driver may finally realize he's a hundred and four years old so look for Jones to play more. FANTASY NOTE: All these guys are injury prone so draft depth at WR if you have Jennings or Driver.FANTASY NOTE#2 No player named Jordy has ever been good. Just sayin.

TE: C If you look up average in Wikipedia, Donald Lee and Jermichael Finley are discussed at length. If they're not, one of you readers should go and do it now as a public service.

OL: B- Chad Clifton is pretty good but one reason the RB sucked last year was they had nowhere to run. Good pass blockers though. Comparatively anyway.

DL: B+ In the 3-4, Raji is a stud NT while Harrell is pretty good manning one DE while Cullen Jenkins is good enough not to get cut at the other DE. As always, the job of the DL in a 3-4 is to keep the LB's free to make plays.

LB: B+ ILB's Hawk and Barnett are both tackling machines. It'd be nice if they could play a few games in a row without getting hurt. Barnnett already has the dreaded red cross next to him name. OLB Kampman is the sack machine and that shouldn't change. OLB Poppinga was signed to use up leftover consenants at the jersey stitchers.

DB: B CB's Woodson and Harris are both fine corners, when they're healthy which has been a problem. Neither one is blazing fast so they need help from the Safeties which is unfortunate since one of them is possible holdout Nick Collins and the other is Atari Bigby. Mr. 2600 himself also happens to be hurt already.

P/K: A- Mason Crosby actually turned out to be a good draft pick. I've never heard of punter Kapinos, which is always a sure sign he does his job.

COACHING: B Mike McCarthy is fine at getting his players to play but doesn't strike me as a master strategist. Seems like his clock management and play calling tanked a few last year, if I remember correctly.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 12-4, 1st in the North.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 6-10, 3rd in the North. Grant
proves that he really is a bust, Aaron Rodgers calls Tony Romo for J. Simps number.

NFL Preview: Minnesota Vikings

QB: D+ Now that the great gray menace has decided to stay in Mississippi, the Vikings have to deal with the hard reality that all they have is Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels. That’s not going to be good enough to win the Super Bowl and maybe not even make the playoffs. What they need is a dynamic (Vick) playmaker to take pressure off (Vick)the RB’s either with his feet or arm. (Vick) I wonder if anybody is available. (Vick !)

RB: A+ Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor are as good a two back combo in the league. The only concern is the durability both backs so look for them to share more of the load this year. FANTASY TIP: Peterson should go in the top two picks but be wary of the split load and lack of receptions if you are in point-per-reception league.

WR: C Bernard Berrian, Bobby Wade and Sidney Rice are all average at best, although they do make big plays, usually off play action. No consistency or reliability in catching the ball though, partly because they aren’t very good and partly because the QB’s suck. Berrian is the only real fantasy option. Maybe a late round flyer on Rice.

TE: B Dirk Shiancoe exposed himself last year as an above average TE. Luckily he’s good enough blocking and catching where he doesn’t come off the field much although Kleinsasser is a potential red zone vulture.

OL: A McKinnie, Hutchinson and Loadholt are all excellent. Peterson is going to go huge again and whoever is the QB should have plenty of time to throw the ball. Any inflated sack numbers are due to the fact that Jackson likes to run around too much.

DL: B+ This unti depends mostly on massive DT’s Pat & Kevin Williams, if they aren’t suspended or busy in court then the DL will be fine. If not it could get ugly. Jared Allen is All Pro on the outside while Edwards and Udeze are good enough on the other side.

LB: B- Greenway, Henderson and Beber are all slightly above average. None of them are going put up big time sack numbers but they all will get a couple sacks, couple picks tons of tackles.

DB: B Winfield and Griffith are both excellent on the corners and Williams and Johnson are both pretty ok at S. The only concern is the size really, all of them are pretty small which could get to be a problem if some RB starts running wild, which probably shouldn’t happen so long as the DL’s aren’t MIA.

K/P: B Longwell is fine in a dome but a little weak in the elements. I don’t know who Kluwe is, which is always good for a punter.

COACHING: C- even without Favre, Childress seems content with Jackson & Rosenfels which is insane. This is a super bowl team if it had an average QB. They should have made a run at a Byron Leftwich type to run that offense, which is also devoid of a little imagination I must say. Probably Childress’s last go around if he doesn’t make a playoff run.

BEST CASE SCENARIO: 12-4, First in the North, Super Bowl Champions.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: 6-10, 3rd in the North. Peterson and the D will win them some games that the QB tries to lose. What we should all hope for is for Childress to suggest the team rent a boat and throw a party to try and ease some of the Favre saga. Hilarity ensues.