Testicular Gulag

During a recent vacation, I came to the realization that the biggest enemy to my groin isn't my kids accuracy throwing baseballs or a swelling prostate but rather the animals at Old Navy and Levi.

First the Old Navy. Apparently at some point I bought some swim gear from there, promptly threw it in a drawer and never thought about it again. Fast forward to me in beautiful Chatfield State Park wondering why exactly this particular suit had two drawstrings on the same side of the suit and roughly 7 inches of Velcro where the fly would go. The drawstrings I got, they looped thru two rings on the other side. Stupid, yes. Evil, no. But the Velcro? Who really thought a piece of clothing meant to be worn over a mans pubic region, without boxers/underwear, should include Velcro? Unless the whole manscaping phenomenon has reached ridiculous levels and all men are now shaved like Brazilian trannys, I'm gonna go ahead and say Velcro plus hair equals intentionally mean spirited. Bomb squad technicians would have been impressed with the level of care I used securing that particular garment.

You might think that is the dumbest thing a clothing line could do to clothes in that area of the body. I sure did.

Until I was duped by some Nazi seamstress into purchasing a pair of button fly jeans.

Are you kidding me? How devious a plot is this! It seems safer than a zipper, having removed those unforgiving metal teeth, and once the pants are on they look just the same. So what's the problem? Functionality. Clearly the savage who patterned these was a man hating psycho or was just a guy who had never drunk anything in his life. Really, it can sometimes take a couple of beats to undue just one of those buttons. Try drinking a six pack, having your fine motor skills slightly impaired, then rush to the restroom to relieve yourself. No superior speed of the zipper, you now have 6 (6!) of these stupid eyelets to maneuver. Any good drunk will tell you, that kind of time may simply be torturous, if it's available at all.

Maybe these fashion styles work well on the waxed, anorexic models these jean companies use. Unfortunately, once most guys hit 30, the middle goes soft, gets a little wider and the shaving becomes nil. I'm not saying that to be ensnared in these traps is the same as being waterboarded, I'm saying it's worse. Terrorists at Guantanamo Bay didn't have to pay for the privilege to be waterboarded, I myself am out probably $70 for the honor of worrying nonstop about the condition of my junk.

I'm just gonna get one of those Muslim robes and call it a day.