Andy Dick Is Available

Sweet Jesus I've now seen two independent reports about an upcoming Valerie Plame movie, wondering who will play the fraud, er, outed CIA agent.

Is the world fully gone insane? Even when the truth of that sordid situation came out did it not matter at all? I guess not, so let's recap some important facts.

#1 - Plame Wasn't A Classified Agent
Plame had been back in the US doing normal agency work. She wasn't in deep cover, nothing was blown, she wasn't put in any danger regarding her career or life. Most people in the media seemed to know she was in the CIA anyway. You can't be outed if your not in any kind of hiding.

#2 - Joe Wilson Is A Liar
Plame and Wilson claim they were outed as punishment for Wilson's report questioning the intel on Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger. This is only partly true. Wilson went on the mission but never actually did any work. By his own recollection he spent most of his time drinking tea and bullshitting in local cafes. Some of what was in the report actually supported Bush's claims, the rest was just pap.

#3 - There Was No Conspiracy
This is the real reason the movie shouldn't be made. There simply wasn't any attempt to do Plame any harm. Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Scooter Libby, etc. had nothing to do with the situation at all. Plame's name and job made its way into the media because Richard Armitage is a big talking DC operative. He admitted it! He told Special Prosecutor Fitzgerald that it was him at the very beginning of the investigation, Fitz just kept going in case he could get anyone to forget what they said in an e-mail two years prior and misstate it on record. Scooter Libby fell into that trap and was thrown to the wolves. There is no story here. An out of service CIA agent's name was blabbed at a cocktail party by a notorious gabber. The only remarkable thing is that the agent happened to be a media whoring left winger who was married to another media whoring media member and they both wanted to get famous and screw over Bush. End of story. No victims.

MY SUGGESTION
Get the producers of Who's Nailin Palin back together to shoot this baby like it deserves. The plot could essentially be the same as what actually happened (not the NY Times fantasy) and cast a remarkably ghoulish looking Jenna Jameson as Plame. A little Ron Jeremy as Joe Wilson, Peter North as Scooter Libby and it essentially shoots itself, no pun intended. You could call it Deep Cover Blown, or EXXXPOSED! something schlocky like that. It may not have the je nais se quoi of a Streisand Hollywood flop but it would be more reflective of what the real motivations of the characters are. After all, whether you do it for money, fame, power or the fun of it, whoring is still whoring and we should treat all involved with the same amount of dignity.

Ok, maybe less for Plame. This is why Hollywood sucks. Here's a trailer for a movie that actually looks good.