Tale of the Tape

Breaking it down!

Pinball Wizard (PW) vs. The Jukebox Hero (JH)

AGE:

41 / 29

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HOMETOWN:

London, UK / New York, NY

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HIGHEST RANK:

#19 USA, #4UK / #26 US

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BREAKDOWN:

Competition - PW had to go into the arena nightly to take on the likes of the Street Fighting Man and the less violent but more skilled Piano Man. JH had a relatively easier path to greatness as much of the competition was either falling prey to the rampant drug culture (Mr. Brownstone) or was a cheap asian knockoff (Mr. Roboto). EDGE: Pinball Wizard.

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Groupies - Being deaf, dumb and blind, PW was at the mercy of his handlers who may not have worked as diligently in procuring premium groupies or worse, may have kept the cream of the crop themselves. On the other hand, sans senses the PW had no embarrassing morning afters or beer goggle regrets. The JH may have been able to enjoy the groupies on a different level than the PW but at what cost? Awkward mornings, the payoffs, must have been horrible. Close category. . . . . TIEBREAKER: While the JH may have to deal more directly with the consequences of groupie culture, the ability to see and hear leaves him nearly impossible to trick into the random post-op tranny that makes their way into the groupie line. PW is defenseless. EDGE: Jukebox Hero.

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Posse - Not strong for either to be honest. The JH is languishing with Brits on the means streets of NYC with an aging Mick Jones and an ex-King Crimson crooner Ian McDonald. Yikes. You'd think PW would be rolling heavy with Roger Daltry, Pete Townsend and Keith Moon in pocket until we realized Daltry was a waify 5'5", Pete Townsend was a pedophile and Keith Moon was dead. EDGE: Gotta call this a PUSH.

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Lasting Legacy - I'm not sure any two people have done more to hurt the karaoke industry since Billy Squier packed off for the lab. Today's generation regards both these warriors the same way they view white basketball players from the 50's. The only question left is who is George Mikan and who is Dolph Schayes? I was going to call this a push until I was recently explaining to my daughter at the mall about the "dumb" kid and why he was moving his hands that way. 5 seconds later I was being arrested for a hate crime as a group of vocally challenged mall walkers silently projected their hate at me. EDGE: Jukebox Hero.

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GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT - PW-While smoking Peyote during Woodstock, Pinball Wizard claims that Joan Baez gave him a secret pagan/satanic verse to recite that would allow him to take on a spectral form to posses anyone he wished. PW then proceeded to posses Pete Townsend and club Abbie Hofmann with a guitar. Sadly, the sacrifice given for this gift was Sly Stone's sanity and career. JH-Foresight. Even in the age of iPods, streaming audio and satellite radio, jukebox's are a lasting legacy, known to everyone, thereby making the Jukebox Hero culturally relevant and rich, due to a crafty trademarking in the early 80's. Pat Riley has nothing on JH. While authentic juke's are a pricey and highly sought after commodity, you think any kid is just yearning to put down the XBOX controller and go play some pinball? Hell, you can do that on the Wii. JH was also rumoured to have had a steamy tryst with Cyndi Lauper and Pat Benatar (was Lita Ford busy or something?) but I think at this point that can only be counted as a negative. EDGE: Pinball Wizard.

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WINNER - The results end up in a tie, 2-2 with on push. Too bad ties are for communists and soccer moms. Therefore, the slight edge has to be given, along with the belt, to the Pinball Wizard. While I find his chosen career puzzling it can't be forgot that he headed into the arena with only his sense of smell and stared down legends like Mojo Risin. Figuratively stared down, of course. As good as the Jukebox Hero was, he's destined to be the Larry Holmes of his generation, stuck in a talent dead spot. By the time Jeremy, Spoonman and Mr. Moustache came on the scene to provide a proper challenge, The Jukebox Hero had become the George Foreman of his generation, only without the comeback.