Enough

Well, I saw another one of those idiotic Miller Lite commercials and I finally snapped and have vowed to never drink another Miller Lite.

In case you've been lucky and missed these abominations, all the commercials follow a basic pattern. Schlub orders light beer from attractive bar-whore, bar-whore asks "Do you care how it tastes?", schlub goes "Nope!", bar-whore makes some snide comment meant to strip said douche of his masculinity and dignity. There's a guy with a tramp stamp, a guy with a purse and a guy wearing panties that do in fact, get in a bunch.

The first problem is the attempt to hide the trickery. Miller Lite is trying to get you to buy their more expensive, yet no better tasting lite beer by challenging your manhood. Like Miller Lite is so great you should skip the Coors Light on tap pitcher special. It's essentially the same plan Grey Poupon had in the eighties until someone realized that it was mustard and not precious jewels mined in the heart of Africa. Haven't seen one of those ads in years. Bottom line, if Miller is cheaper than buy it. If not, buy something else. The objective is getting drunk, not to show the boys at Hooters how sophisticated your pallet is.

Second problem is the entire dialogue. Clearly this was written by some gay PR guy who has never bought a beer in his life. Nobody orders a light beer. No waitress asks if you care how it tastes. Here's how that conversation works in real life, using the Miller Lite premise.

CUSTOMER: Let me get a light beer.
WAITRESS: Do you care how it tastes?
CUSTOMER: Do you care about tips?
WAITRESS: Uh, yeah.
CUSTOMER: Then shut the F*@k up and get me a beer before the game comes back.

Scene!

These commercials dishonor the time tested patron/waiter relationship. Patron buys something, server pretends to be interested in the customer, flirts a bit, customer pretends he doesn't know she is working him for tips and at the end of the day the waitress gets an obscene tip from a drunken football fan who can proudly proclaim on the way home that he was "this close!" to scoring. The good people in the Miller PR department would now have us believe that the person who is completely dependant on the customer liking them for their income is suddenly going to ridicule the hand that feeds them. Yeah right.

This leaves the American drinker at somewhat of a disadvantage though. Miller is boycotted because of these ads. I had to boycott Coors after they thought so little of my ability to sense temperature that they decided I needed a color changing can to help me. Then they cut out part of the box so I could see it easier. Thanks guys, I'm not a leper. I can still feel changes in temperature. Thanks anyway. Budweiser made the ultimate error by selling out America's beer to a bunch of Belgians. What to drink without supporting these atrocities?

If you want to stay American, pretty much all you have is the vast array of beer and malt liquor produced by the Pabst Brewing Company, the good people at Sam Adams and microbrews. That should be enough but if it's not, the good ol US of A makes a damn fine bourbon that doesn't think I'm a moron.

Sober anyway.