Booze, Baseball and Silkwood Showers

Sampler packs seem like a great idea. In theory.

Logically speaking if a product has many variations that you would like to try a little of before committing to a full run, then a sampler is the way to go. This has traditionally been the case with booze. Especially with beer.

This line of thinking led me straight into the jaws of the Jim Beam X-mas 4 pack.

Things started off so well. A nice airplane sized bottle of regular Jim Beam on the rocks. Delicious. Pour number two was the livelier Jim Beam Black. I'm my humble opinion, a better drink than the original.

Then it happened.

Understand that by this point that I'm in free drinking mode. Not drunk mind you, those bottles don't hold tons, but I could see a decent buzz just around the corner provided I could get the last two bottles working in me quick enough.

Bottle number 3. Red Stag. I have no idea what this is but I pour it on ice, let it chill a bit, then swigged a big mouthful of despair.

I felt like I was being waterboarded with a combination of cherry NyQuil, Mineral Ice and kerosene. It was awful. So awful I had another drink just to prove to myself that I didn't just have a stroke during the last drink. The cumulative effect was worse than the first drink alone! I seriously could not even begin to imagine what flavor was trying to be achieved here. If date rape had a flavor this was it. So after I tricked my wife into tasting this catastrophe (she wasn't pleased), I finished it off then went to examine the bottle to see just what had happened.

I should have known. Black Cherry Bourbon. Just great. It recalled the same disgusted feeling I had after taking a shot of Jack Daniels Honey Assault. I never thought I could have anything worse than that honey sludge in my mouth until the Red Stag came along. Turns out I was wrong. This Black Cherry WMD is worse than JD Honey, lengua and a weekend at Burning Man combined.

Make no mistake, I'm not against a blend per se. I quite favor the Jeremiah Weed Cherry Mash Bourbon but we've gone to far in trying to flavor booze. From Smirnoff Ice, to honey whiskey to strawberry vodka to Red Stag it just seems like booze manufacturers are solely focused on ways to make it easier for women and gay guys to get drunk. I know I'm not the only one who sees this trend happening. Otherwise, Michael Imperioli wouldn't be questioning my manhood over a shot of Tequila every third commercial during the playoffs.

Luckily, the good folks at Jim Beam closed out the sampler with the very enjoyable Devils Cut. My brain would like me to believe that going 3 for 4 in anything is admirable. Damn near a spectacular night in baseball. My heart tells me the truth though. Not all 3 for 4's are the same. Sometimes you get 3 singles and a weak pop to short. Sometime you hit a double, two homers and fly out to the track. Then sometimes you get a couple doubles, a hard single off the wall then you beat the umpire to death before you defecate in his goalies mask.

Red Stag is closer to ump murdering than a flyout. I still love me some JB but like a jilted lover I'm gonna need to take a little break after this breach of trust. Spend a little quality time with the Wild Turkey until I can get the stink of this episode off of me and learn to love again.