Douche on Douche Crime

Well, it's early September and California is glowing orange from the annual arson fest. While I'm simultaneously annoyed that I can smell the smoke all the way in my pristine mountain community, that incidentally managed not to light itself on fire this year, while also admiring how pretty a roaring fire can be, the spectacle got me thinking about another summer tradition; Burning Man.

You know Burning Man, it's the festival where a bunch of burned out beach bums and an assortment of other young, white, patchouli soaked, yuppie leftists gather to "have an art festival" and practice a egalitarian form of "radical self expression" and "radical self reliance". Almost no money is exchanged, rather "artwork" and "food" are traded, barter style, while some goods and services are traded for "favors". The festival itself is held in a majestic place known as Black Rock City. You may know of it by its other name; Dried-Up Lake Bed in the Middle of Nowhere Nevada. This is apparently somewhere near Reno. The festival ends with the burning of gigantic wooden effigy.

Now, if you are thinking to yourself, all this self aware nonsense sounds like an excuse for a bunch of young leftists to kick off the Dockers and get high, have sex and light stuff on fire, you sir would be correct. This is your typical bonfire festival on acid. Although, radical self expression can really encompass any type of hedonistic or exhibitionist behavior, so I guess it isn't all that misleading. I would argue however, that if they just called it the Free Sex, Drugs and Fire Festival it would get more people to go but that's just one mans opinion.

To even the scales a bit, the Burning Man enclave, try to dedicate themselves to other green causes, such as not leaving anything behind, not destroying nature, etc. etc. Combine that with egalitarianism and this is a left wing paradise, no?

Apparently, not.

Burning Man has a arch-nemesis. Mormons? No. Republicans? No! Deodorant? No!

Cooling Man.

Oh yes, you heard it right, gentle friends. Cooling Man.

Apparently, this group of incense burning, zero growth, Walden II replicants think the patchouli soaked, self expressing exhibitionists aren't paying enough attention to their own role in global warming due to the massive carbon footprint caused by lighting a 90 foot wooden man on fire while living like Gypsies in the burned out wasteland in Nevada.

Just to address it, this beef is ridiculous. Global warming is a myth, disproved many times. So that is strike one. And two. As for the environmental damage, really? Have you seen this place? It's a dry lake in Nevada. Lighting it on fire might at least make some glass in the sand, which is better than the nothing there now.

The real story is how these two groups must fight. It must be a sight to see. A bunch of pacifists sending highly passive aggressive emails approved by Al Gore and vast debates over the value of planting trees in sand and buying carbon offsets. One thing is for sure, nothing gets done before noon.

The only thing that could make watching this snake eat its own tail more enjoyable is if a group of those militant treetop living eco-nutjobs from Berkeley went down to ground zero to bust up some skulls, green style.

I would personally plant a tree to support that effort.


(doesn't a neon Burning Man defeat the purpose?)


(beautiful Black Rock City, egalitarian paradise)


(The loyal but unmotivated opposition.)


(Berkeley tree sitter and obvious ladies man. www.treehugger.com)