Here You Go Lefty

It's about time to raise taxes.

That's right I said it. I'm fully in favor of raising taxes on the 50% of this country that have become goldbrickin freeloaders under our current policy.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm pretty sure that with all the tax credits and deductions I get, I'm in that percentage of people who either pay no federal income tax or actually profit from it.

Truly absurd. How can a representative republic function when half the people feel no repercussions of the financial decisions of the country? They must think free market capitalism is the greatest thing since the Communist Manifesto. They pay taxes all year, then get a bigger check back at the end of the year. Just like Adam Smith drew it up.

The tragic part of our tax system is how easy it would be to fix. You could make it real easy and just impose a flat tax or some kind of national sales tax in place of the income tax but that doesn't seem politically feasible at this point. Even if we're tied to the idea of the progressive tax code, it's still easy to fix.

The only parameters that should be followed are that nobody gets screwed, everybody participates. Here's how I would set the brackets:

$1 - $25,000 = 5%
$25,001-$100,000 = 7%
$100,001 - $$700,000 = 14%
$700,001 - $infinity = 19%

See how easy that is? Nobody gets out of the teens in what gets taken from them, no deductions, exemptions, double taxation. You make money, you pay a small percent. No need for a massive IRS or tax preparers.

And what of business taxes you say? Here's the breakdown for that tax:
$1 - $infinity = 2%

Let's see how many people open factories in China when they get to keep the vast bulk of their money by keeping the business here.

This would probably be a policy that would have been in place already if liberals weren't so hell bent on punishing success so they can bride constituents with free rides. The only consolation at this point is that our current system where 50% of the people do nothing is economically unsustainable and heading for a collapse. it's unfortunate that we're going to take the world's economy down with us but if it allows us all to hit the reset button and set up a reasonable system maybe it'll be for the best.

How About A Staycation Instead?

As sad as it is that the poor young man from Britain was beaten to death inside a Dubai prison, my first question isn't "oh my god, what happened?"

We know what happened. The Dubai police caught themselves a pale skin, threw him in jail and beat him to death for the hell of it. This is what's referred to as "standard operating procedure" in that part of the world. The only silver lining to this murdery cloud is that if he had lived longer, he probably would've been raped as well. You know, before he was murdered. Perhaps a quick end was a merciful thing.

The real question is, why do people keep vacationing in the Middle East? It never ceases to amaze me how many westerners get arrested over there while they were hiking. Really? Couldn't find a better trail than in Syria? Do they have a nice riverwalk in Pakistan? What's the deal? I'm starting to think that maybe all the paranoid mullahs over there are right and all these people are really CIA plants trying to start revolutions. It makes more sense than poor vacation choices.

I understand that Dubai is quite nice to look at but is there anything besides that? It seems like most people like to go to beach resorts so they can have some drinks, do a little partying and hopefully mingle with some scantily clad merrymakers of the opposite sex. Why would you go to a place where all of this is illegal? The Middle East is like the bizarro Tijuana. Tijuana is a hell hole where everything is legal while Dubai is a paradise where everything fun is punishable by death.

Seems like the government dropped the ball on this one too. Every other day I get a news alert that the State department is recommending not travelling to Texas or Mexico for fear of being decapitated by a drug cartel. Has there just been a blanket middle east warning in place since 1954 that the State department has forgotten to mention in a while? What kind of shame is it for Mexico that people would rather go to sharia controlled lands than step one foot in Acapulco.

I've got an answer for everyone who has vacation money but doesn't know where to go. Here's the list, just pick whichever one is closest or cheapest for you. Brazil - sure they have some rough spots but the government knows how to keep gringos from going to astray. Stay with the sexy ladies and trannys and you'll be fine. Australia - Far away but nobody beach parties like the Aussies. You snobs can go right to New Zealand and leave everyone else alone. Finally, Italy - The President of the country regularly throws bunga bunga parties staffed by a slew of hookers and the number one aspiration for college aged girls is to be TV eye candy. Their economy is also in the toilet so they're desperate for your money. Bottom line, you can do whatever you want then head to the Vatican to look for forgiveness. You're welcome merrymakers and nature enthusiasts. Now stop going to places that have a vested interest in killing you. Knowledge is power!

Sponsored by Ambien

How many times do we have to see a politician fall asleep during another politicians speech before somebody on the staff decides to do something about it?

For those of you that missed it, Joe Biden took himself a little cat nap during Obama's mixed tape to communist tax hikes. I realize that the combination of a boring Obama speech and the abject mookery of Joe Biden are a recipe for disaster but this speech has been planned for days. It's not like Obama had to give a late night speech because we invaded Monaco or something, it was a lunch time speech. Did Joe hammer a sixer of Grolsch with his Rueben at lunch? Is he just so old that he can't stay awake? Maybe he just had a long night of Quaaludes and whores. Who can tell.

The real criminals in this scenario is Joe's staff. How can they not prep this guy for TV? Recommend a little coffee, do a few jumping jacks, take a nap, anything. Seriously, these guys are from DC. They can find an 8-ball to get through the rough spots. Joe Biden may be the least busy Vice President of all time. As near as I can tell, he has no job to speak of. That means his staff has nothing to do either. The simple chore of remaining conscious should be near the top of the "to-do" list every morning, right after prank calling John Boehner and just before feeding his cat.

If this were me, I'd fire everyone on the payroll and start over with an NBA style posse. You need the drug man, the chick wrangler, 3 scary guys to look tough and yell supportive things randomly (delusional claims also help) and someone to deal with the police. I suggest Big Joe start rolling with Marion Berry (drugs), John Edwards (chicks), Sheila Jackson-Lee, Al Sharpton, George Miller (thugs) and Chuck Schumer (Jewish lawyer). Sad that Ted Kennedy passed on, he could have filled 2 or 3 of those spots by himself. Either way, Joe could gain a little respect by not randomly passing out in public. Heed the words.

Where Were You?

Where were you when The Resurrection happened?

Where were you when a once great but broken man, rose from the fiery ashes, stormed onto the hallowed ground that had once been his kingdom? Where were you when he steeled his gaze, gripped his armaments and laid waste to all those opposed. Where were you when a man, ne God looked out upon the battlefield and brought down fury from the heavens, destroying all those who had opposed him before riding off in a golden chariot pulled by winged horses made of pure fire and awesomeness!?

Where were you when that same guy got the yips, choked and finished fourth behind three guys whose own mothers didn't bother to tune in? That's right, I'm sick of all the Tiger slurping going on. (note to readers - do not google "tiger slurping". carry on.)

If you were to only listen to the coverage of The Masters or read Bill Simmons ridiculous article on Tiger, you would have thought he had won or actually achieved something. Apparently golf is so pathetic that having Tiger play 3 good rounds over a tournament is cause for celebration. Apparently just having Tiger back to talk about is enough to fall to our knees and thank the almighty (Nike, I assume) that "The Gift" has returned to us all.

Nothing that happened over the weekend is going to make me forget that Tiger hasn't won anything, anything, since getting flattened by a broke knee and a river of skanks. It did prove to me that while Tiger still has the talent, he longer has the nerve. He's no longer feared either.

There was a time when as soon as Tiger came back and tied up for the lead, all the other contenders would have fallen apart. Especially the no name younguns he was in the mix with. While putting has never been Tiger's strongest suit, you could bank on him nailing the birdie or eagle that he needed, especially in a major, especially at The Masters. He had numerous chances on Sunday to drive the nail into the coffin of the field, most notably the 4 foot eagle attempt which he completely bricked. Chuck Knoblauch thinks he choked. And how great was Tiger anyway, in the pressure?

Let's check the last 7 holes of the leaderboard:

Woods - 1 birdie, 1 bogey, 5 pars (E)
Scwartzel - 4 birdies, 3 pars (-4)
Scott - 2 birdies, 5 pars (-2)
Day - 4 birdies, 3 pars (-4)
Donald - 4 birdies, 2 bogeys, 1 par (-2)
Ogilvy - 5 birdies, 2 pars (-5)
McElroy - 1 double, 1 bogey, 5 par (+3) (sorry, had to include him)

What I see here is that the supposedly "back" Tiger Woods climbed back into contention because McElroy pulled the pin on his own personal grenade, then he got outclassed. Tiger didn't even play as well as the people he was tied for fourth with, not even close. Don't people realize that this was his best course? What do we expect to happen at the far less forgiving US or British Open? -10 in Augusta is a +28 at Bethpage or St. Andrews.

All this was, was the same Tiger we've seen since the comeback. Flashes of greatness, terrible putting, no aura and an inability to play four solid rounds in a row. He can't even play one round without some horrible gaff. When Eilen hit him upside his dome all those months ago, she turned him into Phil Mickleson before all the majors when he was just Hefty out there trying to "tin cup" his way around the course.

All these media people should be ashamed at how in the bag they are for Tiger. They're further in the bag for Tiger than Chris Mathhews is for Obama. I personally have no gripe with Tiger either way I just happen to have this crazy notion that people should actually accomplish something before the get the spoils of achievement. And I expect the media to not act like a bunch of junior high boys who just noticed girls for the first time. Crazy I know. You all owe this Schwartzel guy an apology. He actually won something and people could give a crap. Be sure and get Tiger's permission first though, wouldn't want to upset the MealTicket.

Next Up, Wilt!

Rather than watch that debacle of a national title game, I decided to watch some hockey.

It has been a pretty good game so far, if you're a Sharks fan, and San Jose is up 6-1 at the second intermission.

What isn't good is the deification of Joe Thornton. Apparently Joe's goal in the second gave him 999 points for the career, almost at the mythical 1,000.

After listening to how great a feat it was for half a period I could only ask myself one question. "Has anyone done more meaningless scoring than Joe Thornton outside of Hugh Hefner?"

Seriously, the highlight reel of big Joe goals in December is long. The highlight reel of Joe's playoff heroics is actually a snuff film that someone is trying to hide behind a fake label.

San Jose has been one of the most disappointing teams in recent playoff memory, melting down repeatedly as a high seed. Bringing Joe over from the Bruins was supposed to solve all that. Turns out San Jose made a mark on Joe, not the other way around.

I put this milestone in the same category as Drew Bledsoe being 9th on the all time passer list, Steve DeBerg being high on the wins/TD list or sabermetrics in general. Yes I see your numbers. They lie. My eyes tell me all I need to know and I'd happily trade all 999 of those points for one decent play in the finals.