DT's Baby!! DT's!

I've got them bad son and it's not because I ran out of model cement to huff tonight. No these DT's are simply an idea handed down to me from the almighty hand of providence through some drunken jackass in Philadelphia. Sounds crazy but then again God did speak through burning bushes and decided to kill all of mankind for acting too much like a frat house. At least we got rainbows out of that deal. Anyway.

I was given my vision as I watched some poor (hopefully) drunken 17 year old moron race out onto the field during Tuesday nights game at Citizens Field looking for his fifteen minutes of fame or however long he could evade the authorities. Then it happened. Some poor schlep of a rent a cop, running as best he could, was about 10 feet away when he unholstered the Peacemaker and let fly into said moron. The results were predictably hilarious. That's when I realized tazing people was always funny, no matter what situation it comes into play. Kid on the field? Hilarious. Lose a bet with your fantasy football league commissioner? Hilarious. Breaking up a domestic disturbance? Awesome. Then I got it.

The Designated Taserer.

Oh yeah, drink it in.

Here's how it works. One seat in every section of a sporting event is just as powerful as getting one of those gold tickets into Wonka's joint. Except in this seat, you can't drink beer, you have to show some ID and be fairly competent but for those inconveniences, you get to be the man with his finger on the trigger. Literally. For the duration of that game you get to be Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and Ben Franklin all rolled into one. If any fan who happens to be in your section gets too drunk or rowdy during the game to the point where he has clearly crossed the line, it is the job of the Designated Taserer, or DT, to straighten him or her out. The DT then has a full 10 seconds to administer righteous, electrical justice to the perpetrator. The DT gets the thrill of tazing some bro, the crowd is delighted by the tazing, which is always amusing as previously discussed and the stadium itself is more secure as every section has a sheriff to prevent real threats. It's like the Air Marshall program only it will mostly be to entertain the masses by shocking some nitwit instead of stopping Islamic terrorists from blowing up planes.

And what if the DT can't restore order to his section in the allotted 10 second time frame? In that unfortunate event, unfortunate for the failed DT, all the DT's from the surrounding sections get to come into your section and bring civility back to the world. Luckily for them, they also get to take a few shots at tazing the failed DT as well as the original troublemaker. That seems like a fitting punishment for being impotent when duty calls. It might also spark a Running Man type of scenario in stadiums like the Coliseum in Oakland. DirecTv needs to put together some kind of package where you could watch all the DT's in action. Like the RedZone channel.

How much would you pay to be the man in the magic chair, with the lighting bolt in his hands? I bet the stadiums could make more from that than they could from luxury boxes. Simply asking people nicely not to run onto the field is never going to work, why not combine all the physical humour of a moderate electrocution with vigilante justice? There could even be prizes, taze 5 guys in a season, you get to fire the shirt cannon, taze 10 guys, a photo with you and the cheerleaders of your choice, taze 25 and you get to fly to Hollywood and taze Heidi Montag and see if she melts or if those freakish clown boobs explode. Everybody wins, even Heidi in a meta sort of way. If you already live in LA and get to 25 tazes, you can fly to New York and zap fry that millionaire who gets plastic surgery to make herself look like a cat or you can just taze Gweneth Paltrow, your choice. Either way, you should get a trip out of it.

There is absoluetly no reason not to empower the fan in this way and there isn't a group of people more qualified for the job. The average sports fan delights at watching hockey fights, riots during NBA games in Detroit and cage fighting. There would be lines around the block of thick necked sports fans just looking for that one guy who feels the need to make a spectacle of himself. Now it'll just be a spectacle we can all enjoy as a family at the ballpark.

The Designated Taserer. Ride that lightning baby.