How Dare You Sir!

The Food and Agricultural Organization at the United Nations came out with its ranking of which countries eat the most meat.

1. Denmark 321 lbs. per person, per year,
2. New Zealand 313 lbs.
3. Luxembourg 312 lbs.
4. Cyprus 289 lbs.
5. United States 275 lbs.
x. France 222 lbs.
x. United Kingdom 175 lbs.

To have this released on Memorial Day, a grillin' holiday, is nothing short of an attack on god and country. I did my part, pork chops Sunday & sirloin Monday, everyone else needs to pick it up a notch.

Two final thoughts: 1) I would also argue that all those freeloading vegetarians be removed from the sample; and 2) Seriously Brits. I know you guys are surrounded by fish and and rain but would it kill you to find a little red meat and throw it on the cooker? Who knows, it might do you some good. That gaunt look you guys have been sporting since WW2 is about as hip as the Rolling Stones. No need to go all American-style obese but seriously, a little sun and a steak can work wonders.

Bozo Porn

After reading about how Heidi Montag is wildly happy about all her recent plastic surgery and thinks she looks better than ever, I have come to the conclusion that all these young women who are really into plastic surgery (Botox Kardashian? Really?) are suffering from acute cases of selfishness and fuzzy math.

I realize that the selfishness could be unintentional. I assume when a Heidi walks into her house for the first time post-surgery all the mirrors automatically explode. As of this posting, however, my eyes have not. I'm glad you think you look great but I think all you've managed to do is make yourself look like something Anthony Michael Hall would have made on his computer in 1985. Stop smiling Heidi, I'm not talking about the Kelly LeBrock final product, I'm talking about the clown breasted simulation they thought about making before deciding she should be able to walk.

Why do perfectly good young women act this way? Besides a certain selfishness, they are just bad at math. They look at themselves in the mirror (pre-explosion) and come to the conclusion that if guys like D's they will really like DDD's! They even have a formula for it:

(cup size x 2) cubed

sqr. root of her IQ = F***in' Awesome!

Knock it off ladies. The Almighty Hand of Providence has solved this problem for you. Guys like girls they way they develop naturally, it's just human nature. Stop trying to impersonate a woman and just start being one. I'm tired of having to explain to my daughters why the crazy clown lady looks faker than Mickey Rourke's face every time I'm trying to watch The Soup.

Green Light. . . Green Light! . . . GREEN LIGHT!!!!

Once again, the United Nations, and to a lesser extent NATO, are proving just how worthless they really are. Consider that their stated goals are to provide peace and human dignity. For the UN that means the globe and for NATO that means North America and Europe. Incidents like the Rwandan genocide and the Darfur attempted genocide are just recent examples of how badly these groups are at achieving their stated goals.

The Korean situation is just the latest example.

For over 50 years, South Korea and the United States have been subject to the whims of a madman running the North. This alone is reason enough to go in and take him out but the question must be asked. Aren't the humanitarian reasons enough of a reason to go in there? Every defector that is lucky enough to make it out of there reports rampant starvation and lack of civilized living conditions. Cannibalism and infant death are terms frequently used. Nobody really knows how bad things are in there because the Communist government has somehow managed to impose a communication barrier that worked better than any other that's ever been tried. Probably easier to do when the country hasn't imported any new technology since 1945.

Fate would seem to have given the civilized world a perfect opportunity to ease the suffering of millions when North Korea for reasons known only to the Supreme Leader, sunk a South Korean military vessel, killing many sailors. The world now had a nation that was openly waging a war of attrition against it's own people, becoming outwardly aggressive in unpredictable and lethal ways all while holding the nuclear threat over the world's head. Surely a nation that was this poisonous to the human condition was the exact sort of problem the UN (and NATO given the role of the United States) was designed to handle. Starvation, genocide, nuclear proliferation, unprovoked aggression. It was all there, the perfect excuse to finally end this atrocity. The world's response?

chirp . . . . chirp. . . . . . chirp.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

South Korea says they won't take revenge for the attack. Some UN nations speak of sanctions. The North Koreans are starving to death already. Some reports show their million strong army sleeping during the day to stave off dying of starvation. What can you sanction? Kim Jong-Il's $ 1500 a bottle cognac? His palmade for that pompadour? Ridiculous.

Why has there been this disgraceful lack of leadership? The main reason is that China props up the 4th world country and they get a veto on the security council making the chances of UN approved military action nonexistent. At some point the rest of the world powers have to make a decision. They can either continue to hide their lack of action behind the dastardly Russian and Chinese veto in the security council or they can simply work outside that framework. Those two nations have very clearly poisoned the intent of the UN and they simply use their seat on the security council as their way of keeping the rest of the world away from their interests. If the UN or its members ever want to be taken seriously, if they care about human dignity at all, they have to finally break free the China/Russia ball and chain and finally make a difference. This would be the perfect place to start. Their army is starving on it's feet and has outdated weaponry. Even the French and Italians could kick ass through that defense.

And what of the United States? We certainly haven't heard anything from our reps in the UN. We could make a case for taking military action through the NATO framework since we have 39,000 troops in the line of fire in South Korea. Yet we hear nothing and the answer is at the very top of government. Outside of George W. Bush, we haven't had a President who was really willing to use the military since Nixon in Vietnam. Ford didn't really have time. Carter blew the whole hostage situation and its rescue attempt. Reagan was so busy with the Soviets he neglected to respond to attacks in the middle east. Bush I, pulled up short in the first Iraq war, ignored terrorist attacks. Clinton was timid during the Black Hawk Down affair and non-existent after it including during Rwanda. Bush II, used the military liberally. Now we have Obama who has clearly stated he has no interest in using the military for any reason. He barely wants to continue the Afghan war which was the war even Democrats got behind in the elections. The good war. No way is he going to commit combat troops to a Korean conflict even though 39,000 of them are already there and the enemy is weak.

Looking at the situation, it's hard to blame South Korea for this mess. The world community assured the South that they would keep the peace. Troops were put on the front lines and big talk was given by world leaders. Now, South Koreans are dead for no reason and millions of North Koreans are simply running out the clock until they starve or freeze to death. As has been the case so many times before the response has been insultingly quiet. All the civilized countries of the world, the United States included, need to either take meaningful action to stop this never ending atrocity or just admit to themselves and the world that they don't care about these types of human calamities around the globe. Never have and never will. That may finally expose humans as nothing more dignified than wild animals but at least it would be honest and prevent people from getting their hopes up in vain.

Is That You Lenny? Is That Mouse Dead Yet?

As the Euro continues to collapse, it provides an excellent opportunity to see a number of foreign relations theories in practice. The one that seems to be on full display is the never ending dilemma between the realist and liberal world views of foreign relations.

The European Union, along with the United Nations, has long been the liberal viewpoints' shangri-la. A system composed of intergovernmental organizations (IGO's) and nongovernmental organizations (NGO's) working together to create a zone of shared peace, prosperity and fairness. They thought that the EU would finally be able to break free from the self-interested confines of the nation-state power structure, the foundation of the realist point of view. For many years they thought they had achieved success. Borders were broken down both literally in the sense of free immigration within the EU and figuratively by creating a one currency Eurozone that broke down the barrier of trade, resource and travel. Workers across the EU received good pay, good benefits and the basic human dignity associated with large welfare states and it had all been achieved by driving a sense of a European community, in stark contrast to the individualistic ideal on display in the United States. As the Euro rose in value against the dollar and as the lifestyle standard rose across the EU, the EU grand pooh-bahs in Brussels beamed with pride at the thing they had created that could rival and possibly surpass the United States on the world stage. Make no mistake in underestimating the role European inferiority complex plays in this equation.

The only problem was that it was all a lie. A spectacular illusion that deceived the senses at every level. Why has the EU failed? Why is it collapsing now? The answer is simple realistic theory. The nation-state is the largest political entity that can be achieved and all things serve the end of the nation-state. How does this apply here? Easy. Greece and many other poor countries in the EU wanted to maintain the high standard of living the people had grown accustomed to and that the EU demanded. So they spent when they had no money and lied to cook the books when called to explain their actions. Essentially, they ignored the rules, scammed the system so that their nation could continue reaping the benefits of EU membership, free trade, free immigration and financial support. What punishment could they receive? If they get kicked out of the EU, they reinstate their own currency, devalue it and pay off the debt and deal with hyperinflation. Stay in the EU and get bailed out by the other EU members, the IMF and the United States. There really isn't a losing bet here. Countries like Greece were heading toward devaluation and inflation with or without the EU because their welfare states were simply too large to sustain themselves indefinitely. The EU certainly helped to postpone that event and there was some chance it could prevent it so what did they have to lose? This is why all the poor EU nations wanted to join. The can suck up all the benefits of membership and when they come up dry at the register, the rich EU countries will bail them out.

Why would the rich EU countries get into a situation that clearly drains them of resources? Power. Each large EU country, especially France, wants to dominate the EU's policies and personality. France, Germany, UK, Denmark, etc. will gladly allow the Greeces', Spains', Italys' and Portugals' of the world to lie to them and take their money if at the end of the day, they are seen as the true power behind the EU. Nation-state power theory rises again as nations act in their own perceived best interest. This is why the EU constitution went down in flames. Voters realized it was a French/German power grab and wanted no part of it. The main miscalculations by the rich states, however, was just how bankrupt poor countries could get and just how screwed up their own economies could get. When the recent recession started, it exposed just how flimsy the supposed European community was. Countries turned on each other, threats were made. A trillion dollars was pledged to prop up the failing countries but no substantive changes were made in how business was done. No single nation was willing to give up any sovereignty or power. The EU, the Euro and liberal world view ideology has been crumbling ever since.

The final nail in the coffin was the proposed fix to this problem. A centralized government authority to provide blanket control over all EU member states in certain areas. This would turn the EU from a cooperative IGO into a federalist superstate. Does this sound familiar? It should. If Europe were to try this solution, they could simply modify the name of an existing organization that operates with sovereign states yielding power to a federalized, equally sovereign centralized authority that has functioned marvelously until the recent past.

They would become the United States of Europe.

And the nation-state would continue its run as the master of the international political scene from now into eternity.

The Sweet Delirium

Sometimes I am simply awed by politicians. Awed, disgusted and a bit envious. How great must it be to simply tell whatever lie you want without the pangs of guilt or conscience? It must seem almost god-like to create whatever world you can imagine and simply live in it like the rest of us do too.

Did I mention the Mexican President gave a speech to Congress?

I'm not sure what was more offensive, the President of a near third world failed state attacking an American state to Congress or the anti-American left in the Democratic party giving him a standing O for doing so. Let's examine the most bold faced distortions/lies.

President Jose Attacks Arizona for Passing a Racist Law
Thanks for the input big chief, next time I'm involved in a hit and run I sure hope the guy who hit me insults my mechanic before he leaves. This coming from a guy who deports more people annually than we do. That's right, Mexico deports more people per year than the U.S. Yikes. The fact that anybody wants to get to Mexico so badly they will break the law is a testament to how screwed up South America is. I can't blame Jose though, if I could unload my lowest 15% for free, I would too. What exactly were the libs cheering for though, the law that he was calling racist is a copy of the one Congress themselves passed, are they racist too or just stupid? Both. Nice job of Obama agreeing with him. I've never heard of a President attacking a State this way before, who exactly does he think he is President for? Bottom line Jose, if your migrant workers were the magic elixir for a great country Mexico wouldn't be the lawless hellhole it is. These people are criminals and they are destroying the Southland. American politicians only want you for uneducated votes or slave labor. They should be deported to the Southern tip of Argentina the first time we catch them, imprisoned the second.

President Jose Blames Mexican Violence on America's Lack of a Gun Ban
That's right, I forgot how peaceful Mexico was until the mid 90's. Oh wait a minute, it's been a corrupt, lawless anarchy since Santa Anna. Mexico has a violence problem because the government is weak and corrupt (where there even is a government presence) and because the people are uneducated and unemployed. Last time I checked, much of the weapons your entrepreneurs use are military grade. I don't think I can go buy an RPG, Stinger missiles or a truck mounted .50 at my local gun store. Besides, your people don't have the slightest respect for your laws, why would they have any respect for our gun laws? We have border laws they ignore, they would get black market guns just as easily. At least American citizens have a fighting chance at defending themselves now, if we didn't have guns I suppose the Southern border would be even easier pickings. You'd be fine with that I suppose but I'm guessing all our dead or kidnapped citizens might balk just a tad.

All in all it was an absolute disgrace that this took place in the United States. It's bad enough that Obama sits there and listens to this crap from Hugo Chavez at the UN and from China when we meet but to do it in Congress is near treasonous. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised by Congressional democrats though, if Fidel Castro came to town they would fall all over themselves trying to be the first one to kiss his ass.

I wonder if anybody ever asked legal immigrants what they think about this. Those poor people go through the tedious process of becoming legal to escape from the conditions in Mexico just to have their own representatives actively invite into this country what they were trying to escape. All so La Raza and the United Fruit Pickers Union will endorse them. Pathetic.

Around The Globe

KY SEN - Sweet Jesus did Rand Paul bring a Texas size can of whup-ass to the primary against Trey Grayson. I thought Paul would win but 58-35 is an absolute deconstruction. On the Dem side, Conway beating Mongiardo is a slight surprise. I had thought the momentum was with Mongi but Conway eeked it out 44-43. Paul has the Big Mo for November for now.

PA SEN - Finally, that warbling sack of condescending crap has been sent off to retirement. It's about time Arlen, you're 80 for crying out loud. Guess you can treat both parties like crap and expect to get elected, eh? Too bad for Pat Toomey though, Toomey easily beat Specter but now Sestak might prove a real tough fight.

PA-12 - Specter did screw over Republicans on his way out though. Dems were so eager to toss Arlen out that they showed up in bigger than expected numbers, certainly bigger than for Republicans who had no real primary to energize them. As a result, it looks like jack Murtha's seat will stay blue until November at least. The Dems had to spend a lot of money to keep it though and the race was far closer than in 08 so that is good for the Repubs.

AR SEN - With 50% of the vote in, Lincoln is holding on 43-42 and looks destined for a runoff against Halter. You have to make Halter the favorite at this point.

CT SEN - Blumenthal lying about serving in Vietnam is bad enough, now he is blaming the media for reporting it. I know CT is a blue state but doesn't Yankee pride kick in at some point and say enough with this nonsense? Here's hoping Rob Simmons is around to take advantage of it instead of Linda McMahon.

NHL WCF - The Sharks are down 3-0 in the second period and are in danger of losing two in a row at home to the Blackhawks. I guess Thornton, Marleau, etc. decided thrashing the Red Wings was good enough to make people forget that they're a bunch of choking dogs. Not true fellas.

NYY-BOS - If Joba Chamberlain blows another win for C.C. Sabathia, C.C. might just eat him.

ORL-BOS - And the Magic have apparently decided to blow both games at home as well, down 3 with 34 to go. If it wasn't for Specter losing this night would be a total bummer. Thank god I wasn't gambling.

Take That, Sissy Boy

I must admit, I really do enjoy primary season more than the general elections. The general elections are fine and the opportunity to defeat liberals is always an enjoyable occasion. They are kind of boring though. Especially when you get two world class political douchebags who only work hard at saying nothing.

Primaries are a whole different story. They are the time when people with actual opinion on politics get to try and destroy that useless army of moderates that prowl around Washington. When all the candidates have the same letter after name, the mud can really fly. Usually it's between establishment candidates and some kind of grass roots candidate. Some interesting ones wrap up tomorrow.

KY SEN - Trey Grayson has finally realized that he has almost no shot at being the second coming of Mitch McConnell, as most polls show him down double digits to Rand Paul. Predictably, Grayson is lashing out, calling Paul, and the Tea Party, a bunch of fringe lunatics that can't win in November. This one will be satisfying but provides no tension. Paul romps and Grayson can go back to whining about nobody giving him a fair shake on his ideas. Whatever they are.

PA SEN - This one should be awesome. Arlen Spector is about to reap the nasty crop he sows. Polls show Sestak with all the momentum going into the primary. Even Obama has abandoned Spector. It should go down to the wire and it's never good to count Arlen out. That mud throated toad has an endless number of lives. Both candidates trail pat Toomey.

AR SEN - Now we find out how much being a turncoat weasel matters to the state of Arkansas. Blanche Lincoln has finally sold out so many times that even the Clinton magic hasn't prevented a slew of challengers coming forward to knock her out. Yet she still has a fighting chance due to some mystical force that resides somewhere in Little Rock.

If the trends hold we could see all three establishment types get rolled out of politics and into retirement. Combine that with the fact that Connecticut's democratic candidate for Senate has been caught lying about his Vietnam service, Tuesday should result in a bunch of career politicians moving into full on freak out mode. That's a sweet thing indeed.

The One Sack He Never Wanted

A woman came forward in the Lawrence Taylor rape case today, saying that that the underage hooker told her that LT never had sex with her, he only "rubbed himself" on her. (?) This would seem to be a good thing for LT, as it might show he did not in fact rape the 16 year old, statutorily or otherwise.

There are two problems with this though. As far as I know, buying yourself a prostitute for any sexual reason is against the law, even if it is only to be some kind of visual, masturbatory stimulant. Technically, it's illegal to pick up day laborers at the Home Depot for a day of planting trees and mowing lawns so I can't imagine a situation where this business transaction is legal.

On the other hand, it really doesn't matter what the nature of the business transaction was. The law on that topic could be pretty murky. What isn't murky at all though is the simple fact that it is very illegal for a man in his fifties to jerk off on a sixteen year old. Hell, it's illegal for a nineteen year old to do that on a sixteen year old, no matter if there was money changing hands or if it was purely consensual. Let's get real though, there is no way any sixteen year old is going to see crazy old LT, listen his "proposition" and say "I'm in. You keep your money good sir, to be used as a human tissue has been my lifelong dream and I'll do it for the love of the game, not for the financial spoils." They are more likely to adopt Rasheed Wallace's CTC motto (Cut That Check) and start looking to get paid.

It really shows how bad a spot LT has put himself in where his best defense seems to still put him in jail. There's a reason rich guys like Tiger Woods and Elliott Spitzer spend thousands of dollars on prostitutes and it isn't that these ladies have learned any magic tricks in the bedroom that the market has somehow deemed more valuable than regular sex. Those thousands of dollars are essentially litigation insurance. By going through a service for high rollers, you can assure yourself that the girl is the appropriate age and that she knows how to keep her mouth shut. Theoretically anyway, there seems to be some breakdown in this part of the deal recently. Either way, if you're a rich degenerate it's worth the extra dough. Otherwise you end up in a cheap motel in Jersey pleasuring yourself to some 16 year old drifter, then you get to spend a few days in jail and become a public pariah. We have Las Vegas, we have Reno, we have Atlantic City and you have tons of cash. Do us all a favor, leave the kids alone and go spend some of it retaining your dignity in private.

Double Shot

It's been an exciting day on a number of fronts.

In Boston, the Celtics finished off the Cavs and started Cleveland's doomsday countdown to LeBron's exodus. It's not so shocking that the Celtics won but the end of the game was bizarre. Down by 7 with about 2 minutes left, Boston gets a steal and a bucket to go up 9 with about 1:30 left. After that, Cleveland completely quit. They didn't foul the Celts, they walked the ball up the court and the last few shots of their season were desperation tres jacked up by Anderson Varaejo. I've never seen such blatant quitting in all my years watching sports. The coaches quit as well. While the LeBrons were busy running out the clock, Mike Brown was busy letting them. They looked like a group that knew the magic was gone and that their window had slammed shut. I'm far less confident about Orlando going to the finals than I was a few days ago.

In DC, the Obama administration has decided it's OK for the CIA to assassinate an American citizen who has joined Al-Qaeda and lives overseas. I'm torn over this because letting an unmanned drone kill this Anwar al-Awlaki piece of crap is a good thing but it flies in the face of most other policy decisions. Unless I missed something, the CIA still can't assassinate any foreign nationals so why can we whack this guy, this citizen, without any of the precious Miranda warnings and due process we hear so much about? If whacking this guys is a good idea, why can't the CIA take out other leaders? In addition, if we can kill our own citizens for conspiring against the nation from overseas, why can't we wiretap American citizens calling people overseas that have terrorist links? Like much of Obama's reign, it has no rhyme or reason to it. I'm sure in a few weeks we'll get a leak from somewhere explaining the political calculations of this. Until then we can only wonder. I do hope the spooks get him though.

The Alternative Was Worse, I Guess

It seems that David Cameron finally gets the be the Prime Minister over in the UK now that enough backroom deals have been cut and Gordon Brown has been strapped to a barrel full of worthless Euros and tossed into the Thames. Usually the decisive victory of a conservative (by European standards) is cause for celebration as it once again shows that average people, when faced with socialism, run the other way each and every time. Two problems dampen the party a bit, however.

The first one is the ridiculous British electoral system. While not a proportional voting system like in much of Europe, the Brits have still managed to develop a system where winning the most seats doesn't guarantee you power. This brings the asinine process of coalition building into play. To be the PM, Cameron had to strike a Faustian deal with the Lib Democrats and their leader Clegg. What Cameron had to give these leftists to form the coalition, I can't say but I can certainly surmise that it completely undercuts the conservative political platform. The real travesty is that Clegg, who finished a distant third, had all the leverage. He could easily have formed a coalition with the Labor (I don't use unnecessary u's) that would have kept disgraced leader Brown in power.

The second problem is that the United Kingdom is still part of the European Union. The EU is much like the UN, a mostly socialist organization that is completely ineffective at achieving its stated goals. This thing with Greece is the perfect example. Rules were set up to prevent this, they were not followed, they weren't enforced and when the lazy, goldbricking Greeks finally hit rock bottom, the EU gave them a trillion dollars, after begging the U.S. to lend them a trillion dollars of course. Which we stupidly did with absolutely no collateral. Aside from the ineffectiveness of the bailouts, is that once and for all we know that EU cannot prevent financial catastrophe in Europe and that its member states simply are unwilling to change their spending ways and that the rich EU countries will continue to be cannibalized by the poor ones until the whole lot of them are flat broke and pathetic. Luckily, the Brits kept themselves out of the Eurozone, they still use their traditional pound sterling. This will make it easier to remove themselves from the EU. This will seem drastic but unless the UK completely removes itself from this anchor called the EU and starts to enact some fiscal responsibility, then the Brits will end up in the same spot as the Greeks, only worse since the Brits can accumulate far higher debt ratios because of their economy. The same can be said of the United States.

So while I'm happy that Mr. Cameron and his party took control over there, the collectivist nature of European countries puts a dark edge on the victory. I hope Mr. Cameron has the guts to end the Brits experiment in the EU and brings that country back in order. After all, I'm going to need an English speaking country to move to after the system falls apart completely here in the States.

The Peasants Revolt

Wow, it seems nobody told the Celtics that this was the year King James cemented his grasp on the Best Player in the History of Mankind title. After tonight's beatdown it's questionable if BronBron is even better than Kobe.

The destruction tonight, in Cleveland no less, was so complete that some conclusions can be drawn:

Shaq - As I previously surmised, Shaq is old, fat and slows what should be the fastest team in the league down to a slow crawl.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas - Why even bring him back? He has been anchored to the bench and when he does get in, he's even slower than Shaq. When they are both in the game together, good lord.

Antawn Jamison - Classic front runner. Came up small in big moments in Washington, coming up real small in Cleveland. 9-6-1 in a home game 5 where the star is sucking up the joint? Yikes. This situation is exactly why they brought him in.

Mo Williams, Delonte West, Anthony Parker, JaMario Moon - Near impossible to win a title if any of these guys is being counted on to be the third best player on the team. They can't shoot or defend consistently. You'd think Mo Williams would be out of a job the way Orlando worked him over last year but here we go again.

Anderson Varejao -Does what he does, can't complain.

J.J. Hickson - Why isn't this guy playing more? Super athletic SF could destroy Boston. Need to clear minutes for Antawn I guess.

LeBron James - Nothing short of devastating. 15-6-7, many of those 15 from the stripe. Aside from a monster game 2 against Orlando last year, James is consistently losing in these moments. Sure his supporting cast sucks but isn't the best supposed to make them better? Right now he's a whole lotta Nique and not much Jordon, Kobe.

Even if the Cavs do rally to knock off a pretty weak Celtics team, they've shown no ability to handle creative guards or active big men. Joakim Noah and most of the Celtics are working the middle over at will and Rondo is going crazy despite the noticeable handicap of not being able to shoot. I think Howard/Jameer, Kobe/Pau or Nash/Amare could all go nuts against this Cavs team. LeBron is going to have to average 30+ just to keep them in it.

Doesn't seem up to it at the moment.

Is That You Faust? Shall We Dance Again?

My never ending fascination/consternation with Glenn Beck and his program continues.

I tuned in today for reasons known only to the Almighty hand of providence and my deep subconscious. Right off the bat I was treated to a caller who opened what I assume would have been a question with an earnest praise of Beck and how after looking into Beck's eyes, in person, the caller knew he was a sincere man. A good man.

Then I heard my forehead hit the steering wheel, then everything went black until I woke up in the parking lot of a Fudruckers. I wish I had stayed in the sweet relief of unconsciousness. It seems every time I hear something about Beck it's by some sycophantic follower talking about how sincere and earnest Beck is, thereby giving credibility to the deep thoughts supposedly portrayed on his show.

Now, sincere eyes can often time be the mark of a good honest man but it ignores the simple truth. Sincerity and earnestness are not only the domain of the good but also of liars, fools and the insane. We know this is true because the Kennedys and Clintons have been scourging the political system for years. Obama went from an absolute nothing Chicago city councilman to President in a cocaine heartbeat because of the ability to be earnest and sincere. Any good Hollywood/sporting world sex scandal involves numerous, earnest apologies and statements.

Unfortunately, the ability to speak slowly, look people in the eye and speak with a deep baritone voice is not the mark of an honest man. These things, like many of the things on the radio in the afternoon, are completely meaningless. It's the first thing liars try and perfect before they give you the hard sell. I can only assume people use these crutches to judge character because actually judging the substance of a persons actions is time consuming and involves a measure of intellectual honesty that gets in the way of a good story.

How much better off would the world be if people had the ability to ignore the heartfelt lies and only see the substance (or lack thereof) in a person. I personally would be happy if I could simply turn the dial without being accosted by the delusional ass kissery of the Sycophant Nation. Where's a good Lady Gaga/Ke$ha double play when you need it?

DT's Baby!! DT's!

I've got them bad son and it's not because I ran out of model cement to huff tonight. No these DT's are simply an idea handed down to me from the almighty hand of providence through some drunken jackass in Philadelphia. Sounds crazy but then again God did speak through burning bushes and decided to kill all of mankind for acting too much like a frat house. At least we got rainbows out of that deal. Anyway.

I was given my vision as I watched some poor (hopefully) drunken 17 year old moron race out onto the field during Tuesday nights game at Citizens Field looking for his fifteen minutes of fame or however long he could evade the authorities. Then it happened. Some poor schlep of a rent a cop, running as best he could, was about 10 feet away when he unholstered the Peacemaker and let fly into said moron. The results were predictably hilarious. That's when I realized tazing people was always funny, no matter what situation it comes into play. Kid on the field? Hilarious. Lose a bet with your fantasy football league commissioner? Hilarious. Breaking up a domestic disturbance? Awesome. Then I got it.

The Designated Taserer.

Oh yeah, drink it in.

Here's how it works. One seat in every section of a sporting event is just as powerful as getting one of those gold tickets into Wonka's joint. Except in this seat, you can't drink beer, you have to show some ID and be fairly competent but for those inconveniences, you get to be the man with his finger on the trigger. Literally. For the duration of that game you get to be Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and Ben Franklin all rolled into one. If any fan who happens to be in your section gets too drunk or rowdy during the game to the point where he has clearly crossed the line, it is the job of the Designated Taserer, or DT, to straighten him or her out. The DT then has a full 10 seconds to administer righteous, electrical justice to the perpetrator. The DT gets the thrill of tazing some bro, the crowd is delighted by the tazing, which is always amusing as previously discussed and the stadium itself is more secure as every section has a sheriff to prevent real threats. It's like the Air Marshall program only it will mostly be to entertain the masses by shocking some nitwit instead of stopping Islamic terrorists from blowing up planes.

And what if the DT can't restore order to his section in the allotted 10 second time frame? In that unfortunate event, unfortunate for the failed DT, all the DT's from the surrounding sections get to come into your section and bring civility back to the world. Luckily for them, they also get to take a few shots at tazing the failed DT as well as the original troublemaker. That seems like a fitting punishment for being impotent when duty calls. It might also spark a Running Man type of scenario in stadiums like the Coliseum in Oakland. DirecTv needs to put together some kind of package where you could watch all the DT's in action. Like the RedZone channel.

How much would you pay to be the man in the magic chair, with the lighting bolt in his hands? I bet the stadiums could make more from that than they could from luxury boxes. Simply asking people nicely not to run onto the field is never going to work, why not combine all the physical humour of a moderate electrocution with vigilante justice? There could even be prizes, taze 5 guys in a season, you get to fire the shirt cannon, taze 10 guys, a photo with you and the cheerleaders of your choice, taze 25 and you get to fly to Hollywood and taze Heidi Montag and see if she melts or if those freakish clown boobs explode. Everybody wins, even Heidi in a meta sort of way. If you already live in LA and get to 25 tazes, you can fly to New York and zap fry that millionaire who gets plastic surgery to make herself look like a cat or you can just taze Gweneth Paltrow, your choice. Either way, you should get a trip out of it.

There is absoluetly no reason not to empower the fan in this way and there isn't a group of people more qualified for the job. The average sports fan delights at watching hockey fights, riots during NBA games in Detroit and cage fighting. There would be lines around the block of thick necked sports fans just looking for that one guy who feels the need to make a spectacle of himself. Now it'll just be a spectacle we can all enjoy as a family at the ballpark.

The Designated Taserer. Ride that lightning baby.

Everyone's A Genious In Their Own Mind

The non-stop teeth gnashing about Arizona's new immigration law has reached what I can only hope is its zenith. That means it's time for the fake intellectuals to come out of the woodwork to try and get off on their own earnestness and deep thinking. Like all jerking off, this exercise is also destined to end in failure and shame.

The two narratives being tossed around by in the closet dimwits revolves around the idea that a) we are a nation of immigrants and 2) the new Arizona law is racist because it will impact our brown skinned brothers far more than other ethnic groups.

First things first, we are not a nation of immigrants, we are a nation of assimilants. Old immigrants came here to become American and celebrate a few of the old holidays. If my great grandpappy knew he risked his life to get here just so I could keep calling myself an immigrant a hundred years later, he might have just skipped the whole ordeal and starved to death in some decrepit Irish farm. Once you get to America, you only stay an immigrant if it's a conscious choice. The rest of us assimilate.

Secondly, saying the new law targets Mexicans is one of those things that sociology flunkies spew trying to impress other flunkies and maybe coerce some naive Pollyanna into bed. And what exactly is that statement supposed to convey? Any law that targets one group of people is racist and unAmerican? Please. All laws and policies target specific groups. Our WW2 nuclear policy targeted specifically Japanese, our embargo policy specifically targets Cubans, our policy on toy safety standards directly targets the Chinese. Does that mean the policies are racist or were we responding to specific threats? Is our policy of non-importation of foreign drugs racist because it mostly impacts Canadian drug distributors? Lefty never seems to have a problem with that unfair law. Is it because they're white or because it's better for Unions? Tough call.

What exactly do these lightweights not understand? There are two groups of people that currently cause problems by coming to this country; Al-Qaeda, whether it's legal or illegal and Illegal Mexican/South American aliens. Legal immigrants cause no trouble whatsoever. Should we enact new strict crackdowns on all groups regardless of home country? Sweep the streets looking for illegal Dutch, Spaniards, Frenchmen or Russians? What's the point of hassling people who have already shown themselves to follow the law? Shouldn't law abiding behavior be rewarded and lawlessness punished? Of course it should. Then the group in question begins to act lawful, then the law no longer applies to them but to the next group of criminals. But dumb people who get jobs in the media don't want to think logically, they want to lean forward, look you right in the eye, lower their voices and defend values that frankly don't exist in this or any other country by making statements that are profound only in what they expose about the intellect of the person who made them. No country could function for even a decade with the type of open border welfare state these people advocate.

It would be amusing if it wasn't so pathetic and disingenuous. Luckily for us, talking head media zombies are just about done speaking from Mt. Pious on the immigration topic. Now we get to see who can paint the bleakest picture about the oil leak in the Gulf. The best I've heard so far is that the area will be scarred for the next 50 years. 40 if the water is particularly salty. I'll ignore for the moment the fact that Prince William Sound looks pristine today, just 20 short years after it was covered in oil. I'm just happy to get a new set of pompous ill-informed talking points into the news.

Happy Holidays Commies!

May Day came and went again this year, highlighted by a bunch of criminals (or those who support them) marching up and down the streets trying to get the government to make them not criminal. Apparently this is easier than actually stopping the illegal behavior. I suppose if I was forced to choose between marching down a highway or going back to Mexico, I'd march until my feet bled. But that's besides the point.

Their main point of contention was the idiotic notion that the new law in Arizona would empower coppers to demand to see some papers while the amigos are out with the ninos for some ice cream. Apparently carrying identification is too high a burden. Unfortunately, logic throws a wrench into the righteous indignation of those who are offended. First of all, all immigrants are supposed to carry their green cards all the time. Part of the deal. I know expecting the same from illegals and legals is a stretch but we have to have standards. Second, the cops can't just accost you because you're a Mexican who's outside. This would be impossible in Arizona anyway, there's too much sun. Even the gringos are toasted a deep brown from drinking beer and doing meth all day out on Lake Havasu. For a cop to ask for some ID, a person has to already be detained for some other offense. Kinda like when they pull you over for speeding and you seem drunk, they ask you to take a test, then they run your name to see if you have more warrants that need serving. Now they're checking for citizenship too. Big deal. Besides, all of us natural born citizens are stamped with a SS number the day we're born, then we get to spend the rest of our lives showing our ID every time we want to go to the bank, buy beer, take a drive, rent a car, buy a house, and on and on and on. If I can carry my license everytime I hop in the car, you can grab the green card everytime you step outside. If you don't have one, then you're gaming the system and I have no sympathy for you.

Essentially, the Arizona law could be called the "Hey Fed, Do Your F*ckin Job! Act of 2010". All of the provisions of the State law are an effort to enforce laws that already exist at the federal level but aren't enforced. Why aren't they enforced? Simple. Republicans want cheap, slave labor to increase the profit margins, Democrats want a flood of uneducated, poor people to get on welfare, fill up the unions and vote for them until then end of time. Bingo, Bango! Instant crisis. Coincidentally, this is the same strategy that Democrats use in the inner city to try and keep poor black people voting Democrat. Republicans haven't found a way to translate them into cheap labor yet though. While this set-up seems great for all the political hacks in Washington, the citizens of this country (and legal immigrants, for that matter) get to live with the fallout such as the crime wave extending up and down the border resulting in murders, kidnappings, rapes, etc. As a bonus feature, public services such as schools and hospitals are so over extended they are completely unusable if they're even open anymore. You know, it this kind of governmental brilliance that has turned Mexico, Cuba, China, and most of South America into the paradise it is today. Hell, Vlad Putin seems to be so nostalgic for the good old days that he's gonna stay in office until they get it back, no matter how long it takes. Add a healthy dose of self serving politicians with a healthy disregard for the public and you too can turn a prospering nation into a lawless state on the verge of economic and societal collapse.

So Happy May Day protesters. Carry your Soviet and Mexican flags with pride. Wear that Che and Mao shirt without any trace of irony. Your displays simply give testimony to the failure that is your belief system and a reminder of the destruction, poverty and failure you bring with you wherever you go. Feel free to find a hard working taxpayer and thank him for funding the paving of the road you happen to be walking on. Just try not to steal his identity in the process.

To see some pictures of the various "freedom marches" go visit MichelleMalkin.com