Love Beads and Razor Blades

Get ready lovers and alternative lifestylers of the world, the IOC just dropped a present right in your laps.

The AstroGlide Olympics, live from Rio de Janerio, Brazil, summer 2016. What makes this extra special is that there is a full six years to prepare! Just think of how many hours of weight loss, tanning and laser hair removal you can get done in that amount of time. Hell, you can even squeeze in a few years of hormone therapy and that sex change you've had your eye on and still be ready to roll for the Games.

This has all the potential to be a record setting event of some sort. When the Olympics (or World Cup, I forget) were in Germany we heard about them busing in more hookers, etc. to handle the crowds of single men and curious women. That was in a cold, somewhat depressing country best known for the Holocaust. Can you imagine how "free spirited" people are going to be in a city where they actually had to pass a law to get parade participants to wear at least four inches of clothes? This is the same city whose Carnival makes Mardi Gras look like Church sponsored social mixer.

It's no wonder the IOC decided to embarrass Obama and break off Chicago in the first round of voting, why were they in the running in the first place? Rio we covered, Madrid is a cool place, a little Europe, a little Mexico, a little Muslim, Tokyo is also cool, some far East culture and all that weird crap they make over there. Good times. What about Chicago? Tons of gangbangers beating each other to death in the streets and fat polish guys? Oppressive heat? They have a place like that in Europe, it's called Poland and I doubt Warsaw made the short list either.

So congrats to Brazil and the IOC. In these tough economic times it's good to know the fine people who manufacture human growth hormone, water soluble lubricant, penicillin and Nautilus machines will be clocking some overtime in the next few years. Combine this with Brazil wanting to get themselves some nukes and the world just got a whole lot more interesting.

And if you happen to be travelling through the Swiss Alps or some Italian villa in the next years and you see a seemingly deranged old man furiously training at all hours of the day, don't be alarmed. That's just Alberto Tomba trying to master the triple jump or javelin throw, so he can get one more shot at the gold.