The Peasants Revolt

Wow, it seems nobody told the Celtics that this was the year King James cemented his grasp on the Best Player in the History of Mankind title. After tonight's beatdown it's questionable if BronBron is even better than Kobe.

The destruction tonight, in Cleveland no less, was so complete that some conclusions can be drawn:

Shaq - As I previously surmised, Shaq is old, fat and slows what should be the fastest team in the league down to a slow crawl.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas - Why even bring him back? He has been anchored to the bench and when he does get in, he's even slower than Shaq. When they are both in the game together, good lord.

Antawn Jamison - Classic front runner. Came up small in big moments in Washington, coming up real small in Cleveland. 9-6-1 in a home game 5 where the star is sucking up the joint? Yikes. This situation is exactly why they brought him in.

Mo Williams, Delonte West, Anthony Parker, JaMario Moon - Near impossible to win a title if any of these guys is being counted on to be the third best player on the team. They can't shoot or defend consistently. You'd think Mo Williams would be out of a job the way Orlando worked him over last year but here we go again.

Anderson Varejao -Does what he does, can't complain.

J.J. Hickson - Why isn't this guy playing more? Super athletic SF could destroy Boston. Need to clear minutes for Antawn I guess.

LeBron James - Nothing short of devastating. 15-6-7, many of those 15 from the stripe. Aside from a monster game 2 against Orlando last year, James is consistently losing in these moments. Sure his supporting cast sucks but isn't the best supposed to make them better? Right now he's a whole lotta Nique and not much Jordon, Kobe.

Even if the Cavs do rally to knock off a pretty weak Celtics team, they've shown no ability to handle creative guards or active big men. Joakim Noah and most of the Celtics are working the middle over at will and Rondo is going crazy despite the noticeable handicap of not being able to shoot. I think Howard/Jameer, Kobe/Pau or Nash/Amare could all go nuts against this Cavs team. LeBron is going to have to average 30+ just to keep them in it.

Doesn't seem up to it at the moment.

Is That You Faust? Shall We Dance Again?

My never ending fascination/consternation with Glenn Beck and his program continues.

I tuned in today for reasons known only to the Almighty hand of providence and my deep subconscious. Right off the bat I was treated to a caller who opened what I assume would have been a question with an earnest praise of Beck and how after looking into Beck's eyes, in person, the caller knew he was a sincere man. A good man.

Then I heard my forehead hit the steering wheel, then everything went black until I woke up in the parking lot of a Fudruckers. I wish I had stayed in the sweet relief of unconsciousness. It seems every time I hear something about Beck it's by some sycophantic follower talking about how sincere and earnest Beck is, thereby giving credibility to the deep thoughts supposedly portrayed on his show.

Now, sincere eyes can often time be the mark of a good honest man but it ignores the simple truth. Sincerity and earnestness are not only the domain of the good but also of liars, fools and the insane. We know this is true because the Kennedys and Clintons have been scourging the political system for years. Obama went from an absolute nothing Chicago city councilman to President in a cocaine heartbeat because of the ability to be earnest and sincere. Any good Hollywood/sporting world sex scandal involves numerous, earnest apologies and statements.

Unfortunately, the ability to speak slowly, look people in the eye and speak with a deep baritone voice is not the mark of an honest man. These things, like many of the things on the radio in the afternoon, are completely meaningless. It's the first thing liars try and perfect before they give you the hard sell. I can only assume people use these crutches to judge character because actually judging the substance of a persons actions is time consuming and involves a measure of intellectual honesty that gets in the way of a good story.

How much better off would the world be if people had the ability to ignore the heartfelt lies and only see the substance (or lack thereof) in a person. I personally would be happy if I could simply turn the dial without being accosted by the delusional ass kissery of the Sycophant Nation. Where's a good Lady Gaga/Ke$ha double play when you need it?

DT's Baby!! DT's!

I've got them bad son and it's not because I ran out of model cement to huff tonight. No these DT's are simply an idea handed down to me from the almighty hand of providence through some drunken jackass in Philadelphia. Sounds crazy but then again God did speak through burning bushes and decided to kill all of mankind for acting too much like a frat house. At least we got rainbows out of that deal. Anyway.

I was given my vision as I watched some poor (hopefully) drunken 17 year old moron race out onto the field during Tuesday nights game at Citizens Field looking for his fifteen minutes of fame or however long he could evade the authorities. Then it happened. Some poor schlep of a rent a cop, running as best he could, was about 10 feet away when he unholstered the Peacemaker and let fly into said moron. The results were predictably hilarious. That's when I realized tazing people was always funny, no matter what situation it comes into play. Kid on the field? Hilarious. Lose a bet with your fantasy football league commissioner? Hilarious. Breaking up a domestic disturbance? Awesome. Then I got it.

The Designated Taserer.

Oh yeah, drink it in.

Here's how it works. One seat in every section of a sporting event is just as powerful as getting one of those gold tickets into Wonka's joint. Except in this seat, you can't drink beer, you have to show some ID and be fairly competent but for those inconveniences, you get to be the man with his finger on the trigger. Literally. For the duration of that game you get to be Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and Ben Franklin all rolled into one. If any fan who happens to be in your section gets too drunk or rowdy during the game to the point where he has clearly crossed the line, it is the job of the Designated Taserer, or DT, to straighten him or her out. The DT then has a full 10 seconds to administer righteous, electrical justice to the perpetrator. The DT gets the thrill of tazing some bro, the crowd is delighted by the tazing, which is always amusing as previously discussed and the stadium itself is more secure as every section has a sheriff to prevent real threats. It's like the Air Marshall program only it will mostly be to entertain the masses by shocking some nitwit instead of stopping Islamic terrorists from blowing up planes.

And what if the DT can't restore order to his section in the allotted 10 second time frame? In that unfortunate event, unfortunate for the failed DT, all the DT's from the surrounding sections get to come into your section and bring civility back to the world. Luckily for them, they also get to take a few shots at tazing the failed DT as well as the original troublemaker. That seems like a fitting punishment for being impotent when duty calls. It might also spark a Running Man type of scenario in stadiums like the Coliseum in Oakland. DirecTv needs to put together some kind of package where you could watch all the DT's in action. Like the RedZone channel.

How much would you pay to be the man in the magic chair, with the lighting bolt in his hands? I bet the stadiums could make more from that than they could from luxury boxes. Simply asking people nicely not to run onto the field is never going to work, why not combine all the physical humour of a moderate electrocution with vigilante justice? There could even be prizes, taze 5 guys in a season, you get to fire the shirt cannon, taze 10 guys, a photo with you and the cheerleaders of your choice, taze 25 and you get to fly to Hollywood and taze Heidi Montag and see if she melts or if those freakish clown boobs explode. Everybody wins, even Heidi in a meta sort of way. If you already live in LA and get to 25 tazes, you can fly to New York and zap fry that millionaire who gets plastic surgery to make herself look like a cat or you can just taze Gweneth Paltrow, your choice. Either way, you should get a trip out of it.

There is absoluetly no reason not to empower the fan in this way and there isn't a group of people more qualified for the job. The average sports fan delights at watching hockey fights, riots during NBA games in Detroit and cage fighting. There would be lines around the block of thick necked sports fans just looking for that one guy who feels the need to make a spectacle of himself. Now it'll just be a spectacle we can all enjoy as a family at the ballpark.

The Designated Taserer. Ride that lightning baby.

Everyone's A Genious In Their Own Mind

The non-stop teeth gnashing about Arizona's new immigration law has reached what I can only hope is its zenith. That means it's time for the fake intellectuals to come out of the woodwork to try and get off on their own earnestness and deep thinking. Like all jerking off, this exercise is also destined to end in failure and shame.

The two narratives being tossed around by in the closet dimwits revolves around the idea that a) we are a nation of immigrants and 2) the new Arizona law is racist because it will impact our brown skinned brothers far more than other ethnic groups.

First things first, we are not a nation of immigrants, we are a nation of assimilants. Old immigrants came here to become American and celebrate a few of the old holidays. If my great grandpappy knew he risked his life to get here just so I could keep calling myself an immigrant a hundred years later, he might have just skipped the whole ordeal and starved to death in some decrepit Irish farm. Once you get to America, you only stay an immigrant if it's a conscious choice. The rest of us assimilate.

Secondly, saying the new law targets Mexicans is one of those things that sociology flunkies spew trying to impress other flunkies and maybe coerce some naive Pollyanna into bed. And what exactly is that statement supposed to convey? Any law that targets one group of people is racist and unAmerican? Please. All laws and policies target specific groups. Our WW2 nuclear policy targeted specifically Japanese, our embargo policy specifically targets Cubans, our policy on toy safety standards directly targets the Chinese. Does that mean the policies are racist or were we responding to specific threats? Is our policy of non-importation of foreign drugs racist because it mostly impacts Canadian drug distributors? Lefty never seems to have a problem with that unfair law. Is it because they're white or because it's better for Unions? Tough call.

What exactly do these lightweights not understand? There are two groups of people that currently cause problems by coming to this country; Al-Qaeda, whether it's legal or illegal and Illegal Mexican/South American aliens. Legal immigrants cause no trouble whatsoever. Should we enact new strict crackdowns on all groups regardless of home country? Sweep the streets looking for illegal Dutch, Spaniards, Frenchmen or Russians? What's the point of hassling people who have already shown themselves to follow the law? Shouldn't law abiding behavior be rewarded and lawlessness punished? Of course it should. Then the group in question begins to act lawful, then the law no longer applies to them but to the next group of criminals. But dumb people who get jobs in the media don't want to think logically, they want to lean forward, look you right in the eye, lower their voices and defend values that frankly don't exist in this or any other country by making statements that are profound only in what they expose about the intellect of the person who made them. No country could function for even a decade with the type of open border welfare state these people advocate.

It would be amusing if it wasn't so pathetic and disingenuous. Luckily for us, talking head media zombies are just about done speaking from Mt. Pious on the immigration topic. Now we get to see who can paint the bleakest picture about the oil leak in the Gulf. The best I've heard so far is that the area will be scarred for the next 50 years. 40 if the water is particularly salty. I'll ignore for the moment the fact that Prince William Sound looks pristine today, just 20 short years after it was covered in oil. I'm just happy to get a new set of pompous ill-informed talking points into the news.

Happy Holidays Commies!

May Day came and went again this year, highlighted by a bunch of criminals (or those who support them) marching up and down the streets trying to get the government to make them not criminal. Apparently this is easier than actually stopping the illegal behavior. I suppose if I was forced to choose between marching down a highway or going back to Mexico, I'd march until my feet bled. But that's besides the point.

Their main point of contention was the idiotic notion that the new law in Arizona would empower coppers to demand to see some papers while the amigos are out with the ninos for some ice cream. Apparently carrying identification is too high a burden. Unfortunately, logic throws a wrench into the righteous indignation of those who are offended. First of all, all immigrants are supposed to carry their green cards all the time. Part of the deal. I know expecting the same from illegals and legals is a stretch but we have to have standards. Second, the cops can't just accost you because you're a Mexican who's outside. This would be impossible in Arizona anyway, there's too much sun. Even the gringos are toasted a deep brown from drinking beer and doing meth all day out on Lake Havasu. For a cop to ask for some ID, a person has to already be detained for some other offense. Kinda like when they pull you over for speeding and you seem drunk, they ask you to take a test, then they run your name to see if you have more warrants that need serving. Now they're checking for citizenship too. Big deal. Besides, all of us natural born citizens are stamped with a SS number the day we're born, then we get to spend the rest of our lives showing our ID every time we want to go to the bank, buy beer, take a drive, rent a car, buy a house, and on and on and on. If I can carry my license everytime I hop in the car, you can grab the green card everytime you step outside. If you don't have one, then you're gaming the system and I have no sympathy for you.

Essentially, the Arizona law could be called the "Hey Fed, Do Your F*ckin Job! Act of 2010". All of the provisions of the State law are an effort to enforce laws that already exist at the federal level but aren't enforced. Why aren't they enforced? Simple. Republicans want cheap, slave labor to increase the profit margins, Democrats want a flood of uneducated, poor people to get on welfare, fill up the unions and vote for them until then end of time. Bingo, Bango! Instant crisis. Coincidentally, this is the same strategy that Democrats use in the inner city to try and keep poor black people voting Democrat. Republicans haven't found a way to translate them into cheap labor yet though. While this set-up seems great for all the political hacks in Washington, the citizens of this country (and legal immigrants, for that matter) get to live with the fallout such as the crime wave extending up and down the border resulting in murders, kidnappings, rapes, etc. As a bonus feature, public services such as schools and hospitals are so over extended they are completely unusable if they're even open anymore. You know, it this kind of governmental brilliance that has turned Mexico, Cuba, China, and most of South America into the paradise it is today. Hell, Vlad Putin seems to be so nostalgic for the good old days that he's gonna stay in office until they get it back, no matter how long it takes. Add a healthy dose of self serving politicians with a healthy disregard for the public and you too can turn a prospering nation into a lawless state on the verge of economic and societal collapse.

So Happy May Day protesters. Carry your Soviet and Mexican flags with pride. Wear that Che and Mao shirt without any trace of irony. Your displays simply give testimony to the failure that is your belief system and a reminder of the destruction, poverty and failure you bring with you wherever you go. Feel free to find a hard working taxpayer and thank him for funding the paving of the road you happen to be walking on. Just try not to steal his identity in the process.

To see some pictures of the various "freedom marches" go visit MichelleMalkin.com

Run A 4.2, Win the 8th Pick!

The 2010 NFL Draft is only two days away and for real football fans that's like telling a crack head his next fix is only two days away.

Unless you're a Raiders fan, then you get to skip the wonderful rush of your chosen drug, instead you just get to be sick, get the DT's and go straight into rehab. Darrius Heyward-Bey is one man dose of NFL Anabuse. Whatever cabal of South American miscreants that runs American soccer should just run a loop of game film of DHB and Ted Ginn Jr. getting hit in the face by perfect passes to attract cross over fans. Sure, soccer sucks and is boring enough to fill the final chamber in Dr. Jack's Death Machine but at least it isn't painful and shaming.

So what can we expect from Al's War Room? Who knows. After Okung all the tackles have questionable attitudes or work ethic. Bruce Campbell is a workout star who wasn't even an honorable mention all ACC nominee so he could fit right in. Jean Paul Pierre Pierce de Bastiste Alamain from South Florida is also a physical freak who is only hampered by his complete inability to play football, so keep an eye on him as well.

Who would I choose? Here we go:

Trent Williams T - The only other OL worth the 8 pick after Okung.

Jimmy Clausen QB - I hate Notre Dame in a way that only an Irish Catholic can yet the thought of watching that fat, lazy piece of crap Jam Jam take another snap is unbearable. Hand me my rosaries so I can pray Todd McShay straight to hell.

C.J. Spiller RB - Guess what? The only reason we forget how bad McFadden has been is because DHB and Baby Huey Russell have been so bad. Michael Bush plus an actual playmaker might actually be exciting, no?

Dez Bryant WR - DHB makes James Jett look like Steve Largent covered in stickum. Lou Murphy and Chaz Schielens are fine but don't exactly awe anybody with the afterburners. Kyle Boller needs somebody to go deep to right? Right? Anybody? (head hit keyboard)

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this draft as much as a hot twenty year old looks forward to drinks with Ben Rothlisberger. I only hope that when it's over Al and the boys can at least call me a cab.

Happy V-W Day

Hard to believe its been 17 long years since the greatest military conquest of Bill Clinton's career, the stunning destruction of the Branch Davidian complex in Waco, TX.

It was a glorious day on the battlefield where the federal government, in the face of massive resistance, rolled tanks into a church to pacify the hostile natives. Once somebody got around to putting out the fires and letting the tear gas clear, 76 domestic terrorists were removed from the face of the earth including more than 20 children (future Hitlers) and 2 pregnant women (breeding future Hitlers).

And what was the great crime these religious fanatics were being burned out for? For possessing legal weapons that could be modified into illegal ones, as can all weapons, by the way. For possibly abusing children, although no evidence was ever substantiated. But mostly they were being stormed because they were a bunch of kooky religious types who had a nutty leader who managed to convince his followers that he should be nailing their wives for them.

Sounds like a weekend in Chappaquiddick but I digress.

What they really were guilty of is getting in the cross hairs of a President perceived as a weak, draft dodging lightweight. This was before Monica, Paula Jones, etc. so we can't attribute being a world class p*ssyhound/date rapist to the influences. Either way, Clinton and his top dog General Reno came into office the way normal guys go into jail; with a kick ass on the first day mindset. Instead of the jailhouse Mary, Willy found himself David Koresh; a loony who was just far enough outside the mainstream that he figured nobody would care if the charges were more trumped up than Bush's WMD claims could ever dream to be.

More appalling than the actual invasion of an American citizens home with tanks and attack helicopters was the dead silence from supposed civil liberty advocates that constantly harp on supposed civil rights violations that are mostly just politically correct nonsense. This is particularly relevant today as leftists everywhere are trying to paint the Tea Party protesters as some kind of armed militia movement. If the FBI and DEA can find the stones to whack a bunch Christian separatists living in the middle of nowhere engaged in some kind of consensual religious orgy, you think they won't go crack the skulls of 30,000 Tea Parties congregating in the vicinity of the Capitol? No way. And you can bet that the only sounds you'll hear from those ACLU types is soft laughter because if history is a guide to anything, if you're conservative, white, Christian or an individualist, they don't give a crap about you or your rights.

It should also be noted that the Clinton administrations "military success" in Waco emboldened them to take more action in Ruby Ridge and Mogadishu and it inspired such luminaries as Osama bin Laden, Tim McVeigh and the Unabomber. Good times.