Everyone Wins! . . . Except the Dead

Another day, another mindless conversation about Afghanistan. The Generals want another 40,000 troops, at least, and Obama wants to placate the Kucinich wing of his party. Thank god I'm here to offer solutions.

OPTION #1
Give the Generals all the troops they want. This would actually be the politically sound thing to do. There aren't enough pacifist-socialists in the country to doom Obama in 2012 or the Dems in 2010. Probably won't happen since Bama is an ideological robot.

OPTION #2
Do nothing, maintain the status quo. This would make nobody happy and hurt the Dems in every election going forward. Might happen anyway since Obama isn't any kind of leader in tough situations.

OPTION #3
Instead of 40,000 extra troops, send 40,000 extra Massive Ordinance bombs. You could even reduce the troop level so long as you were aggressive bombing. I'm not talking about any "shock and awe" crap either, I'm talking about Dresden style carpet bombing and Japan style fire bombing. Obama might rule it out completely due to predictable civilian casualties.

OPTION #4
Leave all troop levels as they are but relax the rules of engagement dramatically. American soldiers are good at many things but they are most effective when they are just allowed to kill the enemy. This would renew troop morale by giving them a legitimate say in the outcome of the war and by extension their lives. This would also result in an increase on the amount of dead terrorists and Taliban fighters. The objective of the war, as I understand it. Maybe possible as the media might hide the change in ROE from leftist activists.

OPTION #5
End the war, remove all troops. This is a horrible idea but could be feasible. Obama could justify it to average Americans by blaming Bush for letting it get out of hand and then blame NATO for not fully committing to the war. This would make his uber pacifists orgasmic, provide plausible cover to a goodish chunk of NATO hating Americans and allow him to stress just how important international institutions are to world peace. You know how he loves that.

Let's see. Five options, three would win the war, two would be a disgrace. I wonder which ones are seriously being considered now.

NFL Week 5 Predictions

Holy crap I got shellacked last week. Vegas knew what they were doing.

Browns +6.5 over BILLS(W)
Steelers -10.5 over LIONS(L)
Cowboys -8.5 over CHIEFS(L)
Vikings -10.5 over RAMS(W)
Raiders +16.5 over GIANTS(L)
EAGLES -13.5 over Buccaneers(W)
PANTHERS -3.5 over Redskins(W)
RAVENS -8.5 over Bengals(L)
Falcons +2.5 over 49ERS(W)
Jaguars +0.5 over SEAHAWKS(L)
Texans +5.5 over CARDINALS(L)
BRONCOS +3.5 over Patriots(W)
Colts -3.5 over TITANS(W)
Jets -1.5 over DOLPHINS(L)

This Week 7-7-0
Overall 42-33-0

Puck Theory

I heard an interesting idea on the B.S. Report the other day regarding the NHL. Simmons said that the NHL should contract to 24 teams with twelve being Canadian and twelve being American. This sounded interesting but contraction is always tricky. Lets see how it would play out:

CANADA:
Current Teams
Montreal Canadians
Toronto Maple Leafs
Ottawa Senators
Vancouver Canucks
Edmonton Oilers
Calgary Flames

Wow, only six current teams left. Sad. It can be done though.
Welcome to the League!

Quebec Nordiques
Winnipeg Jets
Toronto Team #2

To get the last three you need to rely on rabid Canadian fans to fill the arena.

British Columbia team #2. Needs balance with Vancouver. In Victoria maybe.
Halifax. Nova Scotia has people, needs a team and is on the East coast.
The last team has be in either Ontario or Quebec province. I would like to see it in Waterloo just to see how many over dramatic Waterloo lines the media could come up with. Don Cherry might just explode.

United States:
Chicago Blackhawks
Detroit Red Wings
Philadelphia Flyers
Boston Bruins
Pittsburgh Penguins
New Jersey Devils
New York Rangers
St. Louis Blues
Colorado Avalanche
San Jose Sharks
Minnesota North Stars
Hartford Whalers

Tough choices. Here's the explanations.

Washington Capitals - D.C. just doesn't feel like a hockey town, maybe not even a sports town. The Skins, Nationals, Bullets (never Wizards) all have been poisoned by D.C. and now suck. Besides, why should all of America subsidize Canada's national sport in our capital?
Carolina Hurricanes - A mistake that needs fixing. Easy call.
Buffalo Sabres - Heartbreaking, they fall prey to there being too many teams in New York and the Hartford mistake being fixed. New York's loss is Connecticut's gain.
Tampa Bay Lightning - Tampa is still in Florida right?
Florida Panthers - See Tampa.
New York Islanders - tough call but NYC doesn't need three teams within 4 minutes of each other. If you want to kill off the Rangers or Devils, I'm willing to listen.
Atlanta Thrashers - please.
Anaheim Ducks, Los Angeles Kings - All the pacific is going to be represented by San Jose which has a good fan base with money. Nobody cares about hockey in Los Angeles when Gretzky isn't there and nobody cares about Anaheim, period. If you don't believe me just ask yourself why the MLB Angles had to add Los Angeles to their team name.
Nashville Predators - Mistake from the start.
Columbus Blue Jackets - Good market but a newbie caught in a numbers game.
Dallas - You stole it from Minnesota and don't deserve it.
Phoenix - You stole it from Winnipeg and then went bankrupt so go screw.

I think this could be a viable plan. A Canadian city only needs 70,000 people to support a team so some of those small markets could work out well. Contraction would make all these teams better as well with less diluted talent pool. Awesomeness ensues.

Read This Post!

Now that we're a full quarter of the way through the NFL season, it's time to take stock of my beloved Raiders.

The only real question left to ask is if Michael Vick will be our starting QB next year or will it be Brady Quinn? A closer inspection is required.

VICK:
Well, to get Vick the Raids would have to make another trade which gives them the opportunity to vastly overpay for something again, (Seymour, R., Brown, L.) so that's a plus. I see a 5 year, 60 million dollar deal, heavily frontloaded and guaranteed. Vick also has the rifle arm and no accuracy, so check and check.

There are some potential roadblocks though. After Al Davis traded the Raiders 2011 first round pick to the Patriots for a long snapper and ball tee, I'm not sure they have enough picks to entice the Eagles into a trade. Unless Andy Reid is eyeballing that 2015 second round conditional. Secondly, Vick is a loser. Al Davis like to take past winners who are washed up and try to recapture glory. Aside from being a dog fighting champion and successful spreader of herpes, I don't think Mexico . . . . er. . . Vick has many trophies on the shelf.

QUINN:
Quinn has the upside of being a total castoff that nobody wants. he got benched in Cleveland for Gods sake. Time for a Plunkett revival! He would certainly come cheap, important for the NFL's least valuable team. Quinn doesn't have any arm to speak of which is bad for the 1960's era playbook the Cable Guy runs but he does have one thing that makes him a near lock to end up in silver and black.

Notre Dame. The Golden Dome. Al Davis loves anybody who played for Notre Dame, even if they suck. Especially if they have a Heisman. Or were mentioned for a Heisman. It's like talent evaluating with Beano Cook.

OUTLOOK: Who Will QB the Raiders in 2010?
Vick - 3:1
Quinn - 5:2
Ron Powlus - 10:1
Jason Campbell - 21:1
Jeff George - 2:7
JaMarcus Russell - off the board

ODDS AND ENDS:
Good effort JaMarcus, now lose 20 pounds and start working in at right tackle.

Can we put to rest the idea that Darren McFadden is an elite talent? He's an injury prone fumble machine who can't work inside the hashes. He's a poor mans Reggie Bush. A POOR MANS REGGIE BUSH!!! He'll be porking Alexis Arquette within the next few weeks, lock it down.

Brett Favre looks like Harry Dean Stanton in Red Dawn.

Aaron Rodgers looks like a man who fully supports a Logans Run type rule for NFL quarterbacks.

Now we know who wears the pants in Tom Brady's house. Nobody.

You only need one thing to make Southern Comfort delicious. A glass.

Or a really long straw.

Adrian Peterson reminds me of a running back who has some big games then disappears.

Why do some bottles of Jack Daniels havea green labels? Is there some form of awesome that I'm unaware of?

C.C. Sabathia could be JaMarcus Russell's half brother.

When I see fourth fourth rounder Louis Murphy outplaying Darius Heyward-Bey badly, it makes me go to the dark place for sad time. Maybe trading those first round picks is a good move after all.

Javon Walker? Anybody?

The Afghan - Worlds Worst Blanket

Listening to the running debate between Obama and his generals, it's tempting to just rampage on and on about the Presidents stunning lack of commitment to our troops or to the concept of victory. Well not surprising really but still disappointing.

However, while Obama should just send the reinforcements immediately or end the war completely, one group is getting off without so much as a public reprimand.

NATO.

You know, the group of nations united as one to fight common enemies, blah, blah, blah.

Last time I checked McChrystal was in charge of all NATO forces. If he says he needs 40,000 more troops, why exactly does the United States have to supply all of them? What possible benefit is there to forming an alliance with a group of nations that have no capacity or desire to fight? Most of these countries wouldn't actively fight the Soviets so the odds of them fighting some stateless terrorist is slim indeed.

This sordid situation is becoming all to common in NATO exercises and it is becoming clear that NATO is suffering from UN-itis. That is the disease that makes nations talk about unity out of one side of their mouth, then shirk all responsibility out the other.

If all of NATO can't get 40,000 troops together to keep a nation state from falling completely into anarchy, taking Pakistan with it, then the long term usefulness should be seriously reexamined.

Perhaps, like the UN, this is an organization that simply need not exist anymore.

Certainly not as is, being subsidized by American blood and money.

Love Beads and Razor Blades

Get ready lovers and alternative lifestylers of the world, the IOC just dropped a present right in your laps.

The AstroGlide Olympics, live from Rio de Janerio, Brazil, summer 2016. What makes this extra special is that there is a full six years to prepare! Just think of how many hours of weight loss, tanning and laser hair removal you can get done in that amount of time. Hell, you can even squeeze in a few years of hormone therapy and that sex change you've had your eye on and still be ready to roll for the Games.

This has all the potential to be a record setting event of some sort. When the Olympics (or World Cup, I forget) were in Germany we heard about them busing in more hookers, etc. to handle the crowds of single men and curious women. That was in a cold, somewhat depressing country best known for the Holocaust. Can you imagine how "free spirited" people are going to be in a city where they actually had to pass a law to get parade participants to wear at least four inches of clothes? This is the same city whose Carnival makes Mardi Gras look like Church sponsored social mixer.

It's no wonder the IOC decided to embarrass Obama and break off Chicago in the first round of voting, why were they in the running in the first place? Rio we covered, Madrid is a cool place, a little Europe, a little Mexico, a little Muslim, Tokyo is also cool, some far East culture and all that weird crap they make over there. Good times. What about Chicago? Tons of gangbangers beating each other to death in the streets and fat polish guys? Oppressive heat? They have a place like that in Europe, it's called Poland and I doubt Warsaw made the short list either.

So congrats to Brazil and the IOC. In these tough economic times it's good to know the fine people who manufacture human growth hormone, water soluble lubricant, penicillin and Nautilus machines will be clocking some overtime in the next few years. Combine this with Brazil wanting to get themselves some nukes and the world just got a whole lot more interesting.

And if you happen to be travelling through the Swiss Alps or some Italian villa in the next years and you see a seemingly deranged old man furiously training at all hours of the day, don't be alarmed. That's just Alberto Tomba trying to master the triple jump or javelin throw, so he can get one more shot at the gold.

NFL Week 4 Predictions

home team in CAPS

Lions +10.5 over BEARS(L)
Bengals -5.5 over BROWNS(L)
COLTS -8.5 over Seahawks(W)
Giants -9.5 over CHIEFS(W)
Buccaneers +7.5 over REDSKINS(W)
Titans -2.5 over JAGUARS(L)
Raiders +9.5 over TEXANS(L)
Ravens +2.5 over PATRIOTS(L)
Jets + 6.5 over SAINTS(L)
Cowboys -3.5 over BRONCOS(L)
49ERS -10.5 over Rams(W)
Chargers +6.5 over STEELERS(L)
Packers +3.5 over VIKINGS(L)

This Week: 4-9-0
Overall: 35-26-0