The Red Herring Exposed - A Clue Analysis (PART 2)

THE FIRST MURDER - MR. BODDY

The Situation:
The first murder is the one most under the control of Wadsworth, aside from the Singing Telegram Girl. The guests have all come to the house and the tension is rising as they start to interact with each other, some recognizing each other, some just nervous to be there. All the while Wadsworth hides the details of the dinners supposed mystery host until after dinner. During that dinner, where everyone realizes that they have much in common, Mr. Boddy finally arrives, suitcase in hand. He is immediately presented as a scumbag and set apart from the other guests. At this point the audience is forced to assume that Wadsworth and the game pieces are the "heroes" of the movie with Mr. Boddy the "villain" whose murder will set off the mystery of the movie.

At this point it is important to remember that Mr. Boddy is actually just a butler, playing a role given to him by Wadsworth. We have no reason to believe that Mr. Boddy is informing on anyone at the gathering or that he is deserving in any way. After watching the movie we can only assume that Wadsworth wants him gone for unstated reasons.

The real question is why does Mr. Boddy continue to participate? Once the group returns to the study, Wadsworth identifies Mr. Boddy as the blackmailer. Mr. Boddy helpfully informs the audience that "This is a hoax!" but sadly for him, the other guests attack him, believing Mr. Boddy to be their blackmailer. Once the commotion has died down, Mr. Boddy produces the various weapons and tries to get the guests to kill Wadsworth for orchestrating the nights events. We can only assume again that these actions by Mr. Boddy were part of the role given to him by Wadsworth. However, Mr. Boddy was just attacked by the guests. Under what logic could Mr. Boddy be operating under where he assumes that giving the people who just attacked him deadly weapons will somehow turn out alright for him? A reasonable person, knowing Wadsworth to be the real villain, should have assumed by now that Wadsworth was setting them up for a fall. Wadsworth even ups the tension by announcing that the police are coming yet Mr. Boddy continues playing his part, hands out the weapons and turns off the light. Perhaps Mr. Boddy expected something else to happen with the lights off but its difficult to imagine what Wadsworth could have told him the plan was that would have left Mr. Boddy so outwardly confident.

The Murder:
The murder, or should I say attempted murder, happens when the lights go out. There is some rustling, a deep gasp and a gunshot. When the lights come back on. Mr. Boddy is on the ground. Professor Plum declares him dead from unknown causes as the bullet missed its target.

We know now that Professor Plum did indeed try to shoot Mr. Boddy in an attempt to end the blackmail. Arguably this makes Plum the most scrupulous person in the movie aside from Mr. Green. While the others killed for personal vendettas, Plum tried to kill the villain. I guess that makes him the hero?

At this point though we have to wonder why Prof. Plum declared him dead. Was it simply so that he could ensure that he could have another shot at him later? Seems unlikely to assume that could occur. The shot was fired in the dark, Prof. Plum could have announced that Mr. Boddy was faking death (I assume the gasp was a deep breath by Mr. Boddy so he could hold his breath to fake death) and feigned ignorance of the shot. Pure incompetence is the reason given as to why Prof. Plum mistakenly thought him dead but that doesn't make any sense.

At this point Wadsworth has actually lost control of the narrative. When the lights go off, Wadsworth himself apparently does nothing. In that situation someone could easily have killed Wadsworth for knowing too many secrets. They could also kill Mr. Boddy for blackmailing them, or, like sensible people, nobody could have done anything since most people don't murder. The only thing I can think of that explains both Wadsworth's inaction and Mr. Boddy's continuing willingness to play the role of the target/villain, is that the plan from the start was for Mr. Boddy to fake his death and then try to sneak out when Yvette starts screaming, presumably in on the plan. This would get the murder ball rolling for the night and allow Mr. Boddy to escape into the night, or into some dark corner of the mansion. Otherwise, Mr. Boddy would have to know he was marked for death and would have schemed like hell to escape. There is no evidence to suggest he did though and as we will see in Murder #3, Yvette's future actions cast doubt on this possibility.

Conclusion:
The first murder of the movie was ultimately a failure. Wadsworth's plan is fairly sound. Misidentify the blackmailer, raise tension with the threat of police intervention, provide ample weapons and then provide the opportunity. The whole plan falls apart though when you try and identify one compelling reason the butler acting as Mr. Boddy would continue to play along in the role when it was becoming crystal clear that he would ultimately be the victim. Knowing he was being groomed as the target, and after surviving an attack by the guests already, Mr. Boddy injects the idea of murder into the guests minds by trying to get them to kill Wadsworth for no reason, provides them with numerous weapons and then himself turns the lights off to give everyone a nice blanket of deniability for the impending murder. While entertaining, this scenario makes no sense upon further review.

Up Next:
This murder scene ends when Yvette begins screaming in the lounge. The guests leave Mr. Boddy on the floor and leave the study. The conversation with Yvette leads into Murder #2, The Cook.

Recap:
Wadsworth: 0 murders
Peacock: 0 murder
Green: 0 murders
White: 0 murders
Mustard: 0 murders
Scarlett: 0 murders
Plum: 1 attempted murder

Mr. Boddy: dead
The Cook: alive
Yvette: alive
Stranded Motorist: not arrived
Off Duty Cop: not arrived
Singing Telegram Girl: not arrived

The Red Herring Exposed - A Clue Analysis (PART 1)

Clue, the movie, is going to turn 35 years old next year. Aside from making me feel incredibly old, its also been on a couple of the free streaming services lately (Kanopy and IMDB Tv, I believe) so I've been watching it in the background while I was doing other things. While thoroughly enjoyable, upon rewatching it, I'm not completely sure that the third ending, supposedly the real one, makes any sense. Therefore I will watch it again from the beginning with that ending in mind to see how it holds up. Part one: the characters and scheme, as revealed in the final ending.

THE MASTERMIND:
Wadsworth: The true villain of the movie hiding out as the butler of Hill House. Claims to be another one of Mr. Boddy's victims but is in reality Mr. Boddy himself.

THE GAME CHARACTERS:
Col. Mustard: A soldier being blackmailed by Mr. Boddy for his illegal war profiteering; selling american military radio parts on the black market. This movie takes place in 1954 so presumably Col. Mustard was stealing/selling parts during WW2 and not Korea. Also a patron of Ms. Scarletts brothel.

Ms. Scarlett: Being blackmailed for running a brothel in Washington D.C. Employed Yvette at some point.

Professor Plum: Psychiatrist being blackmailed for having sexual relationships with his female patients. Works for the U.N.

Mrs. White: Being blackmailed for the suspicious murder of her husband. Suspected of cutting off his head and member. Husband had an affair with Yvette.

Mrs. Peacock: Being blackmailed for taking bribes on behalf of her Senator husband in exchange for votes in Congress.

THE MOLE:
Mr. Green: Undercover FBI agent posing as a closeted gay man who is being blackmailed by Mr. Boddy so he won't be fired from the State Department. On a mission to bring down Mr. Boddy.

THE VICTIMS:
Mr. Boddy: Presented as the main villain but is in reality the real Mr. Boddy's (Wadsworth) butler. Was twice killed by Professor Plum. Importantly, Mr. Boddy did not appear to be informing on anyone. A must see for fans of Fear or just Lee Ving in general.

The Cook: The cook was killed by Mrs. Peacock for informing on her accepting bribes.

The Stranded Motorist: Killed by Col. Mustard for informing on his war profiteering.

Yvette: Killed by Mrs. White for having an affair with her late husband. Also Colleen Camp doing some outstanding accent work. Except for when she forgets.

The Policeman: Killed by Mrs. Scarlett for informing on her brothel.

The Singing Telegram Girl: Killed by Wadsworth for . . . . . . reasons. Presumably to tie up loose ends. Small but memorable role the Go-Go's Jane Wiedlin. See PLAN below.

THE PLAN:
The first sign of trouble comes early in the review. What exactly was Wadsworths ultimate plan and how exactly did he think it would go down? Taking the dialogue at face value we can see the broad stroke outline of the plan. Basically, Wadsworth has been blackmailing the guests for so long that they have all run out of money. As blackmail has no use if the victims are broke, Wadsworth's plan is twofold. Get the guests to become his new team of informants using the information they gain due to their positions in government jobs. Second, get the guests to kill off his current team of informants, as they are no longer useful and can only be used against him. This explanation is actually given during the "A" ending and is attributed to Ms. Scarlett but I think it's also Wadsworth's plan. At the end of the movie Wadsworth comments that he is going to continue the blackmail but all his informers are dead and all the proof against the game pieces was burned in the fire. All Wadsworth has left to blackmail them with is the murders he was involved in as well and all they have to give him is information they get from their jobs.

I think that makes sense though. Wadworth wants to keep in the blackmail game but he wants his current informants gone and he wants the current victims to become the new informants. Easy. How he intends to do that however is suspiciously lacking in details. As we will see when we examine all the murders; Wadsworths has no real control over the outcome. He himself kills nobody until the very last victim and that action seems odd in the context. His goal up until then seemed to be to get everyone else to do the killing so his hands would be clean. The only proactive thing Wadsworth did to provoke the nights activities were to call dinner, invite the guests and provide weapons. For the first 2/3 of the movie, Wadsworth is preaching a non-violent end to the confrontation with Mr. Boddy. The calculation seems to be that just by creating a scenario with the stress of victims confronting their abuser combined with weapons and the threat of time running out (45 minutes until the police arrive) is enough to provoke a violent outcome. Not just violence but a specific set of violent actions. Col. Mustard, Mrs. Peacock and Ms. Scarlett all killed the people informing on them so maybe that was foreseeable but Ms. White killed for personal reasons; Prof. Plum only tried to kill Mr. Boddy in an attempt to end the blackmail and nobody was in a position to kill the Singing Telegram Girl at all. Predicting that outcome is a real stretch.

Which brings us to the tricky problem of the gay, bumbling FBI agent Mr. Green. At the end of the movie Wadsworth reveals that he knew Mr. Green was there to expose him as the real Mr. Boddy. While that reveal gives Col. Mustard an opportunity to use the "Please, there are ladies present!" line, it also confuses Wadsworths plan. There are two scenarios, both of them not really plausible. The first one is that Wadsworth knew the entire time that Green was there to bust him. If thats so, then why allow Green to live through the entire plan?  Had Wadsworth not killed the Singing Telegram Girl and admitted his whole plan, Mr. Green would've had little to work with. Unless Green had prior knowledge of Mr. Boddys true identity, Wadsworth might have just gotten away with it. In this scenario, its difficult to see why Green was invited at all. None of the people involved was informing on Green, assuming there was a real Mr. Green, State Department employee being blackmailed. The second scenario is that Wadsworth didn't know Green was undercover until J. Edgar Hoover inexplicably called the house. At that point the Motorist and Cop have already entered the scene which complicates things but again Wadsworth has done nothing wrong up to that point. Other people have done all the killing, the blackmail evidence has been burned in the fire, and the most useful witnesses against him are being killed of according to plan. Why kill the Telegram Girl and admit to the plan? Very odd indeed. If his plan was to then gun down Mr. Green, why go through the trouble of getting other people to kill the Cook, Yvette, Butler, Motorist and Cop? Killing seven people isn't that much worse legally than killing two, especially if one was a federal agent. It's possible that Wadsworth simply lost his nerve at the end of plan that was being executed to well to be believed. To believe this scenario you would also have to believe that Mr. Green has been undercover, Donnie Brasco style for years, being blackmailed by Mr. Boddy. Otherwise Wadsworth wouldn't have invited him or Wadsworth would've known that the Mr. Green that showed up wasn't the person he had been blackmailing.

OTHER CAST:
The Police Chief-Evangelist: Working with Mr. Green to take down Mr. Boddy. Played by DJ Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP in Cincinnati.

UP NEXT IN PART 2:
We shall begin to examine the murders to see if the proposed solution makes sense.

52nd Academy Awards

It occurred to me recently that, as much as I love movies, I know almost nothing about the Academy Awards. Every year I haven't seen most of the movies, people seem upset at who wins and I continuing not giving a shit.

This seems like a gap in my knowledge base so I've decided to go back and review the Best Picture category for every year since I was born to see what can be learned, based on what I've seen, what I've heard and what I can learn on YouTube in less than 8 minutes.

Up first, the 52nd Academy Awards. April 14, 1980.

Nominees:
Norma Rae - I've only ever heard of this movie as the punchline to jokes about Sally Field and as a reference point for quiver lipped platitudes about labor unions. The trailer is terrible. It looks like the fever dream campaign ad for some low level Democratic House member from the rust belt. Pretty hunky Beau Bridges though, until he punches Sally Field that is.

All that Jazz - Never heard of it in any context. The trailer starts off like hot garbage but somehow morphs into the guy from Jaws in some weird combo of Staying Alive, Perfect and Chicago. I may have to see this one.

Apocalypse Now - I love this movie. I'll even watch the 11 hour version where they go the french plantation house to ruminate on life for no discernible reason.

Breaking Away - I knew this was the cycling movie but that's about it. I didn't realize it was a comedy and D-Quaid, Daniel Stern and Jack Earl Haley were in it. Its like Revenge of the Nerds, except the nerds are just slightly lower class white guys. The main group seem like what the four kids from Stand By Me would've turned into if they hadn't gone looking for corpses and instead just took up sports. Slightly intrigued. Is this the last comedy nominated for Best Picture, outside of Forrest Gump? As a bonus, the whole thing is on YouTube for free.

Kramer v. Kramer - Wow, what a garbage trailer. I knew this was a legal procedural movie but I thought it was about a wrongful death or something like that. This thing looks super depressing and boring as all hell. Its also amazing that they've really been making this kind of empowered woman rises up against husband movie continually since 1979. I don't know what ends up happening with the kid but I bet it takes four hours to find out. It's probably better than it seems just because of Hoffman and Streep but I can't imagine what set of circumstances would have to occur for me to watch this.

The Outcome:
Of course Kramer v. Kramer wins. It hits all the same award bait tones that a movie like Crash does. The same thinking that makes Citizen Kane the best movie ever makes Kramer the best movie this year. It good to know that the Academy has been consistent over the years. Apocalypse Now though is the clear lasting presence and deserved winner just based on cultural relevancy alone. I'm a little surprised that Norma Rae and Kramer didn't split the left wing vote and clear the path for Apocalypse. Pretty good diversity of films too with a comedy and a weird jazz musical getting nominated. Pretty good start.

Extra Fun Fact: Wow, the movie that killed nuclear power in the U.S., the China Syndrome, also came out this year? I haven't seen this movie either but its so beloved by Hollywood left wingers that I'm shocked it wasn't nominated for Best Picture. It must be awful. Can you imagine a year that could've had Norma Rae, Kramer v. Kramer and the China Syndrome all nominated for Best Pic at the same time? It's like the Pantheon of virtue signaling.

(Franics Ford Coppola, 5 hours into a screening of Kramer v. Kramer)

A Long Simmering Take

After 21 years its finally time to discuss the 1997 semi-cult flick, Event Horizon, a really good awful horror movie. Specifically the timeline.

It's important to remember that this came out in 1997. On to the timeline.

2015 - Permanent colony established on the Moon: Really movie? You only allowed for 18 years to pass before a full moon colony? I don't understand why movies do this. I think one of the Escape From _____'s had a similar problem with the calendar. In that case it was how quickly can things get so bad. In this case it was wildly optimistic. We don't even have a space shuttle 3 years past the time of colonization. Why not make it 2115 and remove all question?

2032 - Commercial mining begins on Mars: Are you shitting me? Not only did it only take us just 17 years from moon colony to reaching Mars, commercial drilling was ready to go? You can't build an in-ground pool in California without 5 to 10 years of environmental impact studies and bureaucratic palm greasing but private companies are being allowed to drill Mars in 2032? No way. The NASA egg-heads would want to study it for years, then the military would want to poke around, testing laser cannons and photon torpedoes for a while before anyone else set up shop. No way a private company is getting the proper permits and environmental clearance to drill on Mars before 3105.

2040 - Deep space vessel Event Horizon sent to explore boundaries of Solar System; disappears beyond Neptune, the worst space disaster on record: If the first 2 entries on the timeline were wildly ambitious, we now seem to be slamming on the brakes for some reason. In some respects, our probes have already done a pretty good job of mapping the edges of the solar system. I recall getting some pretty cool pictures of Pluto by a probe that is now somewhere outside the solar system. Besides, they already have mining companies set up on Mars. Why is it that 8 years later the edge of the solar system is still uncharted territory? I also don't buy for a second that a ship simply disappearing, with no explosion or video, is the worst disaster in space history. The Event Horizon, and the Lewis & Clark incidentally, seem to be fully staffed by 9 people. The Challenger explosion killed 7 people and it was broadcast on live TV. That was worse. Also, there is no chance they constructed a moon colony and a Mars drilling outpost without some major disasters. Qatar can't host a World Cup without killing a thousand or so workers. This is bullshit.

2040 - January 23rd - The Event Horizon broadcasts its blood orgy video: Presumably that means they went to the Chaos Dimension (CD) and came back? I assume they can't broadcast from the CD and people don't seem like they live long in the CD. Who knows, maybe it was just rendering for years waiting for the ship to come back out of the black hole.

2046 - The Event Horizon is discovered in low orbit around Neptune, right where it disappeared: Fine. It is interesting to note that the ship was in a degrading orbit. Meaning that if nobody responded to the rescue beacon the ship would've slowly been sucked into Neptune and crashed. Not a great plan malevolent devil ship.

2047 - The Lewis & Clark is sent to investigate and salvage the Event Horizon: Ok, this is odd to me. In 2040 the Event Horizon is sent out to explore the outer solar system, presumably Neptune, Pluto and on to Proxima Centauri. They make it seem like this is a monumental undertaking that requires the special ship, with the magic drive and that it would be impossible to do without Dr. Weirs black hole drive. All well and good. But only 6 years later when they find the ship around Neptune, it only takes them approximately a year to put together a rescue mission that frankly seems boring and mundane. The crew isn't pissed because its dangerous or uncharted territory, they are mad that their day passes were revoked. And they were able to use what seemed like a normal ship and normal stasis to get from Earth to Neptune in just 56 days. How is it possible that in 6 years technology went from "If we don't have the black hole drive we can't go" to "call an Uber to go poke around and see if those jamokes are still alive." Actually, if space travel has advanced that far, why rescue the Event Horizon at all? They don't seem to need it, it was embarrassing for NASA, just let Neptune disappear it and be done with it.

Other Issues:
The Evil Ship - How powerful is the Sentient Event Horizon? Dr. Weir falls under its spell and hallucinates immediately upon awakening from stasis. We don't how far it was then but as they approach the Event Horizon the first distance they call our is 5,000 meters. Thats over 3 miles. Pretty powerful. But trickery seems to be the only real power it has. All of the torment was done by the crew responding to hallucinations and hurting themselves, or by a brainwashed Dr. Weir doing the work for it. The ship itself doesn't seem to be able to hurt people. The exception is Baby Bear who gets sucked into the CD when the ship opens the gate by itself. It does this a couple times. It doesn't seem to be able to actually power the ship through the gate though and needs a crew. Oddly disparate power levels.

The Stupid People - Once the true nature of this Event Horizon is discovered and the Lewis & Clark destroyed, the plan is for all survivors to move onto the deck of the Event Horizon, blow up the bridge between the deck and the engine core, and use the deck as a life raft by going into stasis. Great. The only problem is that as soon as they find the Event Horizon, they run a scan for lifeforms and are informed that the entire ship is showing traces of life. At the time it seemed like a malfunction but once you knew the ship itself was possessed, why would you think escaping to the deck would matter? All escaping on the deck does is remove you from the Chaos Dimension. A worthy goal but the ship you're on, in the middle of nowhere, is still a raging demon trying to drive you crazy.

The Chaos Dimension - Yeah. How does this work exactly? If we are to believe the movie, the CD is a place that just drives people instantly insane and violent. We certainly see this with the original crew of the Event Horizon. The blood orgy was pretty horrifically gross and violent but it also seemed to impact everyone equally. Everyone was participating in the mayhem, gleefully it seemed. From the glimpses we saw that kind of violence would've killed everyone there in no more than half an hour. Even if the CD kind of supernaturally keeps you going, the point of it is to kill you, how long can you live ripping each other apart? Even enhanced by the CD it can't be more than an hour. Which brings us to the visions of the Lewis & Clark in the CD. Nobody but Weir seems impacted by the evil ship. Only Weir becomes violent. In the vision of the CD, all the L&C crew appear to be getting tortured against their will, in contrast to the willing participants of the Event Horizon. Why does it effect everyone differently? For that matter, why is the CD so full of people? We know why these 7 were there but there seemed to be infinite people being tortured. Where did they all come from? There is almost an conscious effort by the movie to say this isn't some kind of religious hell so they aren't damned souls but just regular people who are there. And at the rate the madness kills people, the influx of new bodies must be consistently high to keep that level of activity going. More realistically it seems like everyone in the whole dimension would be killed off in short order. Also, for a dimension that apparently causes instant madness, they must have quite a few people who perform carpentry and iron work during their blood frenzy. There was an awful lot of barbed wire and specifically designed torture devices made of wood and steel for a completely chaotic realm. I hope the psychos tradesmen have a decent union.

Finally,
Who Was Actually Dead? - At the end of the movie Laurence Fishburne is forced to look into the CD by Weir. He sees the Lewis & Clark crew all getting tortured and he says "They're not dead! They're not dead!" to which the evil Dr. Weir reply's "No, not yet. They're not your crew anymore. They belong to the ship and you are all coming with me!" This seems to indicate that Weir believes that all of the L&C crew will be going to the CD and furthermore that ship needs them alive to man the ship and drive it back into the CD. As we saw before, the ship can't do it alone. Yet we very definitely saw the Dr., lady with the wheelchair bound kid, the mechanic and Weir die by vivisection, falling down the tube, blowing up in the L&C and self mutilation/being shot into space/decompression. Furthermore we see blonde crew member, Cooper and the very injured Baby Bear very much alive on the deck of the Event Horizon. Yet all were in the vision of the CD. So were all the dead people really killed or was that some distortion/hallucination by the ship? Can the ship steal souls and bring them back into the CD along with the living? Or was it just Weir trying to torture Laurence Fishburne and break him down as they entered the CD? I suspect its more just torture for Fishburne but it reeks of a scene that was really choppily edited. Why make it a point to say that people who are clearly dead are really alive and coming to hell? An empty threat if we believe the CD has no religious undertones.

Sequel? - The movie didn't really end, it just split up into 2 halves of a sequel. On one side you have Weir, Fishburne, Peters, Dr. Issac and the black hole drive being sucked into the Chaos Dimension. On the other hand you have Starck, Cooper and Baby Bear trapped on the life raft that is possessed by the Chaos Spirit and that after the rescue is probably being towed back to Earth. I don't know how you link that to the Chaos Dimension but if Ant Man can spend lots of time in the Quantum Universe anything is possible.

The Winner? - Who won the movie? Easy. Smith the mechanic. He never really saw any hallucinations and he was killed by the Lewis & Clark explosion, outside of both the core drive section of the Event Horizon and the Deck Escape Raft section. No way he got sucked into the CD and he doesn't have to deal with an evil ship going back to Earth. Good work Smitty!

(nice job Smitty! Bad news Miller . . . . . .)

Orlando Magic Draft Preview

It's NBA Draft eve,so lets check in on where things stand in the Magic Kingdom:

2017-2018 Record: Shit

Needs: PG, SG, SF, PF, C, Coach, GM, Owner

Strengths: Mascot. Stuff the Magic Dragon is adorable.

POSITION ANALYSIS:
PG - The bad news is that after the Elfrid Payton trade, all that was left was DJ Augustin and Shelvin Mack, which is an absolute abomination. They can't shoot, aren't playmakers, are average defensively and aren't young. On the plus side, they only make 13 million combined.

SG - Evan Fournier, Arron Afflalo, Wesley Iwundu, Rodney Purvis, Jamel Artis. Holy god what a nightmare. None of these guys could start for a conference title participant. None of them can score (noticing a pattern?) and to make matters worse, Fournier is making 17 million for the next 3 years, which makes him untradeable.

SF - Johnathan Simmons, Mario Hezonja, Terrence Ross. Simmons is actually not too bad at 6 million a year, Hezonja is probably gone and Ross is getting 10 million in the last year of his deal. The problem is that, again, they can't shoot. Simmons is a pretty good playmaking slash and kick type but that doesn't work if he has nobody to kick to. Hezonja had moments when Gordon was hurt but the Magic declined the 5th year option and he probably won't be back. Ross was an absolute zero coming from Toronto. Not dependable.

PF - Aaron Gordon, Johnathan Issac, Mo Speights. Issac seems like more of a SF to me but ESPN lists him as a PF so here we are. Reports are that the team will match any offer for Gordon so expect some team to max him out and screw the cap even further. That month where he was lights out from downtown was nice. Every other other month wasn't. Its also very evident that Gordon can't play anywhere but PF so Issac has to slide to the SF, or get blocked from playing time.

C- The absolute disaster masterpiece. 13 million for Nic Vucevic and 17 million for Bismack Biyombo.  The NBA's equivalent of Brock Osweiler. The Serge Ibaka trade and the Biyombo signing are the final nails in the first 6 years of this rebuilding effort.

There may not be a team in the league with less talent. There certainly isn't as more forgettable team, their failures are utterly predictable and boring. At least the Nets have a nutty Russian owner doing crazy things.

DRAFT:
Mock Tendencies - Trae Young would be a disaster. Yes he can shoot but he fell apart in college when teams started roughing him up in the second half of the season and he plays no defense. He's only beneficial if he's free to roam around and play like Steph Curry. The only problem is that he isn't that good, is smaller and the team sucks so he' would get all the attention. Bad fit.

Most Orlando-y pick - Mo Bamba. a super tall guy who can't really shoot. Sounds great, lets just slide him in right next to Gordon, Issac, Biyombo, Vucevic, Hezonja, Iwundu and Birch. Shit, we might be out of roster spots.

Better fit - Wendell Carter. This would be nice because it would mean Biyombo and Vucevic aren't playing but they're still getting paid so that would be a tough pill to swallow.

Best move - Trade back, unload a contract and hope Sexton is still available. Don't give a max contract to Gordon under any circumstance. This team is four years from being noticeable.

Hex-A-GONE!

The United States Men's National Soccer team has final done the impossible; they've made me develop a strong opinion about something related to soccer. I don't particularly like the game and I find the non-stop theatrics and off-sides calls maddening as they always seem to short circuit the faintest sparkle of excitement. Combine that with the sports boxing-like tendencies towards incompetence and corruption and club soccer just isn't worth it.

I do however care about the national teams for the same reason I care about the Olympics. If our nation is going to bother to compete in something, they sure as hell better put up a good show and try and win the damn thing. Out of all the major sports, soccer has the lowest bar possible to be considered a success. Most people stop playing it when they are about 9 so nobody really expects us to win the World Cup and most of these various cups and qualifying tournaments are set-up in such a way that about 70% of the time a tie is considered a wildly positive outcome.

This is especially true of the CONCACAF hexagonal qualifying tournament. This stupid thing seems designed to all but guarantee that Mexico and the United States get to go to the World Cup, plus one or two other squads. Somehow, the U.S. managed to blow the layup this year. Most people will look to tonight's game against Trinidad and Tobago, where the Trinis treated the U.S. like Harvey Weinstein treats affirmative consent, and be shocked by the outcome and the definitive proof that change is needed.

The truth is clearer than that though. It is very clear that Sunil Gulati has no idea how to develop a program. The main proof is in how he treated the Jurgen Klinsmann. Klinsmann was fired after losses to Jamaica, Panama, Mexico and Costa Rica. Prior to that though, Klinsmann led the team to consective victories over the Czech Republic, the Netherlands and Germany. Pretty impressive stuff but Klinsmann was always tinkering with the lineup to mostly negative results so they replaced him with Bruce Arena. Fine.

The Arena regime started out ok with a 6-0 win over Honduras but the rest of The Hex went; tie-Panama, Win-Trinidad, tie-Mexico, loss-Costa Rica, tie-Honduras, loss-Trinidad. The results under arena got progressively worse. Losing to Mexico is no big deal but they played Honduras, Costa Rica, Trinidad and Panama twice each and went 3-3-2. In two games against Costa Rica, they were shut out 4-0 and 2-0. That stuff is embarrassing. At least Klinsmann showed some ability to beat upper echelon European teams, Arena took an inconsistent but occasionally impressive team and made them consistently crap.

The real reason why this qualifying tourney was a disaster is because US Soccer in general is a disaster. At the youth level it is still and sport played primarily by wealthy suburban kids due to the insane cost of the leagues and the incessant travel. I have kids and there is no way I could afford to pay the fees to play year round or be able to take the time to travel all over the place to the various matches. That creates a youth league that severely restricts who can participate, that feeds into a college soccer system that doesn't seem to develop talent much and that ultimately feeds into MLS which is a sham of a league that is just a way station for over the hill Europeans looking to cash in one more time and a place for Americans to play who aren't good enough to get into a European league. If an American in their prime decides to take the MLS money to play closer to home, its guaranteed that his development will stop and regression will begin.

Despite all that though, US Soccer has been on the rise until recently, in spite of itself. In a country of 350 million people, many of whom are soccer loving Latinos, we should be able to find 20 or 30 people capable of beating T&T, Panama, Costa Rica and Honduras consistently. If we can't, and it seems we can't, then its the top level managements fault. The only plan left is to fire Gulati and his Art Shell-esque right hand Arena. Just cut them both out completely. Then what needs to be done is for US Soccer to load up a T-shirt cannon with money and just fire it at any Italian, English, French, Spanish, etc. soccer official who can build a program from the bottom up. Just keep firing the money cannon until they have to accept. 

Thats the whole answer. Play to our strenghts. We Americans don't do soccer. We do money though and there's no shame in paying an outsider to come clean our mess. No more shame than losing to Trinidad with the World Cup on the line.

(US Soccer, in better times.)

squawk . . . Squawk . . . SQUAWK!

Over the past few years it has been very fashionable to bash the 76ers and Sam Hinkie for "The Process", a system that tried to somehow quantify unrelenting suckage into something dignified.

It's strange that over the same period of time that almost nobody has realized that Orlando has been managed by a slightly retarded Myna bird. I swear Rob Hennigan is just 12 Mynas covered in a cheap suit that spent five minutes listening to Daryl Morey and can now repeat things like "collecting assets".

Sadly, giving Hennigan assets is like giving the aforementioned Myna an iPod. Although a bird randomly pecking at the screen might eventually download something useful, just by accident.

Orlando hasn't had a winning season since 2011 (strike shortened) and haven't made it out of the first round of the playoffs since 2009. It's baffling to look at the roster and see what years of ineptitude has wrought. Mostly boring players who can't shoot and would be lucky to be in a 7 man rotation on a title team. Confounding trades for Serge Ibaka, astonishing free agent signings of Jeff Green and Bismack Biyombo and horrible drafting of Hezonja and Payton leave the roster significantly worse than Philadelphia's. I would trade every player on them team for Saric and Embiid.

Making matters worse is that there is obviously no plan. A stupid photo of Patricio Garino signing a contract, (incidentally, if Garino signing a deal is tweet worthy then you should lock the doors and burn the building down) showed a whiteboard in the background with Squaking Rob's off-season master plan on it.

What is the genius plan you ask? Apparently it's to try and pursue any and everyone in the league who sucks. Seriously, check it out HERE.

Sweet Jesus, Danilo Galinari, Paul Millsap and Andre Iguadola are the best names on the board. Good god Luol Deng is on there, on a board for the future! That's like me trying to invest heavily in polio vaccinations. Worse even, at least polio vaccinations were useful at some point!

Two things should really shame everyone involved though. The board seems to imply that the team could get Rookie of the Year candidate Dario Saric for Aaron Gordon. Laughable. What on earth would the Sixers want with a  PF who can't shoot from the outside? The lane is already clogged up with Embiid and Okafor and Tiago Splitter. Saric fits because he can take it outside and create space, Gordon can't and that's why Orlando had to get rid of guys like Ibaka so Gordon could go from the 3 to the 4. Even Sam Hinkie wouldn't do that.

Finally, the big white board is just insulting our intelligence. There are 2 guys on it (Moe Harkless and Tobias Harris) that the team ALREADY HAD and traded away for a bunch of used jocks and a few gallons of poisonous Flint water. Making matters worse, by all the gods in heaven, Jeff Green is on the list, TWICE! The team has him now and he sucks! He sucked for Boston, he sucked for OKC when they had KD and Russ and he sucked for the Clippers next to Blake Griffin and whichever Paul brother doesn't sell insurance. Why would he get better now?

Nevermind the fact that the list also has Omri Casspi, Nikola Mirotic and Kelly "Scalabrine" Olynyk on it. How do any of the other moves help? They are all forwards with limited ability to score. No playmaking guards, no lights out 3 point shooters, no rim protectors.

This is just a feckless abuse of a fan base. I had more hope for the future after Nick Anderson missed his 11th free throw in 95. I saw more light in the tunnel watching Penny Hardaway's knee magically transform into a rusty hinge. Rashard Lewis getting busted for steroids was a ray of sunshine comparatively because it at least showed motivation to win. The only thing that would make this team truly sickening would be a boring defensive minded coach whose favorite player is Roy Hibbert. Oh, hi Frank. Didn't notice you.

All isn't lost though, it should be interesting to see if Orlando will win the lottery and take Jayson Tatum to round out the collection of forwards or fall to to the fifth spot and take Przemek Karnowski.

Either way, the Myna abides.