Tragedy By The Bay

There was a unspeakable tragedy Thursday night in the Bay area and for once, it had nothing to do with Oakland.

As fans of San Fransisco's beloved 49ers flocked to the stadium to catch the game, all seemed well on this picturesque night.

Until the kickoff that is.

As soon as kicker Joe Nedney put foot to ball to start the contest, the entire playing field suddenly turned into a vast ocean of pure excrement, swallowing all aspects of humanity and, for tonight anyway, competitive sport.

The fans in attendance were shocked, stunned, appalled and driven to fits of physical violence and illness by the unholy display on what used to be hallowed gridiron.

San Fransisco PETA Chief and GLAAD enthusiast Maurice DeFranschitti, in attendance to protest the use of leather footballs on the field and blame George Bush for the increase in the price of water soluble lubricant, struggled to right his world. "These things NEVER happen in the animal kingdom. Only man can create a mountain of shit this big!" In an unfortunate twist of irony, DeFranschitti was then bitten by the rare Yellow-bellied marmot, driven insane by the intense methane fumes.

Many other fans simply had questions.

"Do you suppose they trucked in all this from Chicago or did they just borrow some of the excess in Sacramento?" one concerned conspiracy theorist asked, to nobody in particular.

The saddest event from a frightful night was the tale of an overweight, shit covered man wearing a tattered "6" Bears jersey. Early reports seem to indicate that the man is suffering from sever Downs Syndrome and his barely coherent rants seem to confirm that theory.

"HOW CAN YOU THROW 5 PICKS WHEN YOU ONLY ATTEMPT 4 PASSES?! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! I LOVE SHEEP AND OYSTERS! TAKE ME BACK! TAKE ME BACK! I CAN GROW A BEARD!!!!!!"

A sad end to a miserable day. May God Almighty spare that man from the nightmare of his own existence.

Patrick T. McGarry, reporting.