***UPDATE*** In the spirit of positive over negative, in addition to identifying some of the worst movies ever, I will also try and offer up a better alternative.
13. Gosford Park (2001) - There is a certain strain of British movie that is very leisurely paced yet somehow still manages to be a compelling watch that can even pull you in to a mystery or get you invested in certain characters almost against your will. Think of some of the older Poirot movies and shows or what I assume Dowton Abbey is like. This narcalepsy inducing bore is none of those things. They managed to get that particular brand of classism that is so familar to British entertainment, the stuffy condescension of most of the characters, what I assume is supposed to be razor sharp dialogue and a great depiction of the utterly pointless, superficial activities of upper class England. Sadly, it has almost nothing else. There's a murder at some point but I didn't care about anything that was happening and all I felt was a creeping sense of envy. The other characters in the movie didn't seem particularly bothered either. Some people went hunting, some servants banged some other servants, servants banged some top floor idiots, they played cards and we heard long conversations between staff about what kind of people their bosses were. Terrible as it turns out. The only thing remotely interesting was that someone decided that the best thing to have Ryan Phillippe do was pretend to be Scottish. Outstanding. If the point was to instill a sense of dread about the utter pointlessness of the human experiement, then well done. Gold stars all around. The fact that they tried to sell this as a comedic murder mystery is hilarious. The only thing less interesting than the whodunnit was finding out the answer. Horrific. TRY INSTEAD: Poirot (1989-2013), The Pearl of Death (1944), Layer Cake (2004).
12. Voyagers (2021) - Jesus this sucks. Not even the free pass of a pandemic excuses this lame Lord of the Flies rip-off. The first problem is that the world apparently has the technology to locate a new Earth and organize a colinizing mission in 2063. Sure, its 2021 now and only Amazon can get a package into space with any efficiency but in forty more years we can embark on an 86 year space mission. Sure. I couldn't get a door latch for my minivan in less than a month from China but Colin Ferrel can get a bunch of space millenials into deep space lickety split. The pace of this movie is completely wrecked. The main prick of the movie goes from member of the crew, to suspicious, to rebellious in the first seven minutes of the movie for apparently self evident reasons. Apparently 18 years of space schooling didn't quite take. I think Colin Ferrel can safely pack up that teacher of the year mug. Then we get 80 minutes of angsty, brooding rape faces. The future of humanity is supposedly at stake and I was openly rooting for all of them to get sucked into a black hole. TRY INSTEAD: High-Life.
11. Martyrs (2008) - This movie had all the makings of a nice little B grade revenge/slasher/psycho horror flick and then everything went straight to hell. It seemed like about 50 minutes into the movie they realized they ran out of script and needed something to fill the last 40 minutes. Then some French jackass came up with the idea to brutally beat a young girl for 30 minutes, skin her alive for 5, then use the last five minutes to try and justify that with a ton of psuedo-religous nut-jobbery. I don't consider myself a lightweight when it comes to violent movies but this is just offensive how little the movie cares about women, runaways, mental health issues, religion, the audience and basic human decency. You just can't do these things without any justification for it. This movie has negative justification. It lacks the lighthearted comedy you find in Hostel movies. I think the senselessness of this movie compares to a movie like Captivity but that's just a guess because I'll never watch that abomination. TRY INSTEAD: Why don't you turn off the Netflix for a while and just hug your kids for once.
10. Alyce Kills (2011) - When a movie revolves itself around a smattering of lesbian sex scenes followed by a drug fueled descent into madness, the bar for success is set so low it's practically on the ground. How can you screw up such a simple formula? How about long drawn out monologues about Enron? That's a good start. How about going 65 minutes, in a 95 minute movie, without a killing? Yep. I'm convinced the director forgot the movie was supposed to be a horror until the last day of shooting where he just killed whatever actor happened to be on set. More problems: the fact that the moral compass of the movie is a strung out dealer who trades sex for heroin; the movie ends so abruptly that the editor must've had a stroke mid-edit and nobody bothered to finish it; and the biggest sin of all, most of it was just boring. TRY INSTEAD: Excision (2012), The Loved Ones (2009); Breathless (2012).
9. Midnight in Paris (2011) - This franco-masturbatory pile of self indulgent excrement must have been underwritten by the French Chamber of Commerce. I realize that Woody Allen has turned his neurotic stalking from NYC to Europe but this is ridiculous. It's one thing to be nostalgic for the past but to be nostalgic for a past that never existed is pathetic. I refuse to believe that Owen Wilson would find the magic wormhole that allowed him to travel back in time just so he can get Hemmingway to give him notes on his crappy book. I also refuse to believe that the Rachel McAdams character exists in real life. Women this bitchy yet still desired only exist in movies so that we feel sorry for a lead character that we would otherwise wish a horrible, horrible death on. Not this time Woody. TRY INSTEAD: Un Prophete (2009); OSS 117: Lost in Rio (2009); OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (2006).
8. What Dreams May Come (1998) - Sweet Jesus what a mess. Whatever hope this movie had was quickly destroyed in a massive bout of overacting and scenery chewing by Robin Williams and Cuba Gooding Jr. right before he made that movie with Horatio Sanz on the gay cruise. The real crime here though is that not only did they make a god awful movie (pun intended), they obliterated the memory of a pretty readable book. And seriously, Max von Sydow should just pretend to be dead next time Patch Adams comes callin'. TRY INSTEAD: Drag Me To Hell (2009).
7. The Baader-Meinhof Complex (2008) - A grueling, 2 hour plus communist/terrorist lovefest that could only be loved by all those jackasses wearing Che t-shirts. One good part was the nude loving German RAF terrorists trying to explain to the PLO that sex and revolution are one in the same. Bet they got a lot of mileage out of that one. TRY INSTEAD: Munich (2005).
6. Marie Antoinette (2006) - The mystery of Sofia Coppola continues. Avoid this movie at all costs. Gay porn would be a serious upgrade in both acting and plot. TRY INSTEAD: Girl With A Pearl Earring (2003).
5. Drillbit Taylor (2008) - Owen Wilson's veins didn't just spontaneously burst from massive pride and accomplishment you know. TRY INSTEAD: Battle Royale (2000).
4. The Fourth Kind (2009) - The movie starts with Milla Jovovich warning the audience that many of the scenes in the movie are real footage from police files and that the story is essentially true. That would in fact make the movie better if that weren't a complete lie. Not only did they make a fictional movie, they opened it with a fictional PSA to try and make you think it might be true. I already bought your ridiculous premise when I bought the ticket. Stop trying to trick me a second time. And then try making a good movie. TRY INSTEAD: Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy (1968) or Predator (1987).
2 & 3. Lady in the Water/The Happening (2006/2008) - Maybe The Last Airbender will be M. Nights big comeback movie. What's that? Oh. TRY INSTEAD: The Abyss (1989)/The Signal (2007).
1. Sphere (1998) - If Sharon Stone plays a major role that doesn't include coked-out whoring or sex crazed murdering, there's a good chance that movie sucked. Exhibit A. TRY INSTEAD: Event Horizon (1997).
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